Uphill struggle

Hi Lml glad you had an enjoyable Sunday, I can relate to every line of your post! I realise now that gambling transformed me into a shell with nothing inside, almost like there was nothing there because I was consumed by the thought of the next spin either to spend my 'winnings' or try to win back my losses. I spent most of yesterday pottering around and met a friend for coffee, so nice to do everyday stuff and not think about gsmbling/money/debts. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there, is v,reassuring for me and others to know you're not alone Take care S 🙂

Glad you had a lovely Sunday love..
Simple things make us smile now....we all become walnuts when we're in the heart of addiction...trapped in a shell that seems impossible to crack...but very slowly the cracks of freedom come along....happy glimpses of a new future....yes...the urges do come...often totally out of the blue...but you're fighting them. ..that's what counts...so well done to you...
Hope you're Monday's...as good as Sunday...take care xx

Chris30z, amazed and humbled that you got through my whole diary.
It's made me read a few pages from the beginning again.
Reading about my relapses annoys me so much. What a flipping idiot! I could slap myself when I read about them lol!
I need to thank you because
It's just reinforced to me how I could never win because I can't stop and also makes me aware of the fact that I'm totally fed up with all the emotions that being an addict throws at you.
As I've stated in the past, I just want you feel 'normal'!!

Sharon, we seem to have so much in common. It's a great feeling to be able to go out with friends and buy a drink or even go mad and pay for some food with it. Madness, but unfortunately it's true. Actually feeling happy to be laying money out on such 'luxuries' is such an achievement in itself and gives us a real boost.

Loxxie, so many posts helping me along this rocky path in the past were from you. I've told you before, you have been (and still are) one of my biggest inspirations on here. You continuously show that it can be done. Gambling can be kicked into touch. I hope you are still enjoying reaping the benefits gained from remaining gf.

Ps all the Christmas adverts/films on tv are making me feel christmassy! The last 2 Christmases have been pretty horrendous. This year, through making changes, I'm hoping all will be different. No calls needed to the samaritans, no black clouds or heavy weights on my shoulder just happiness in abundance!!
Love and strength to all xx

Love the Christmas bit. ..
Was the same for me. ..hated it for so many years...
Skint..
Desperately playing to win Christmas money...
And like you...couldn't wait for last year's...I was about 11 months free last year...and remember the excitment brewing...the pleasure in gift shopping...although small gifts were on the list was fantastic...and a great time was had by all...
And I'm looking forward to this year the same....can't wait to get decs up....lol....
Always waited till last minute before...and just did the normal addict thing of going through the motions...not now...tis all done with meaning....and pride. .
To be able to spend normally ...
Amazing....I spose it's because our sense of value of money is returning....Any way...it's good. .
And I'm glad you're experiencing that now. ...
Take care x

Hi LML

Thanks for your comments on my diary, I appreciate your kind words.

Really pleased to read your still on the path to a gamble free future. You can win if you stop and you are becoming proof life can be turned around no matter how far down the rabbit hole we may have gone. Realisation of our failures, our flaws and our past, addressing it rather than wallowing in it gives us the energy, desire and sheer will power to change. I am adamanty there is not many with will power stronger than a gambler. Why else would we continue to gamble knowing we will lose but trying to convince ourselves all we need is one big win. If we flick that gear from backwards to forwards and use that will power to stop we can achieve anything. The hardest part is wanting to stop and giving up on that quick fix. It is a long road back but a road back that is so rewarding.

Keep going and stay strong.

Matt

Thankyou for posting on my diary, it is much appreciated.

Congratulations on your progress, you are doing really well and are helping others by sharing your experiences.

Just setting off to my Salsa class which should be fun ...stephen

Feeling good at the moment. All the messages and kind words above have given me another boost so thank you for taking the time out to drop me a line.
Loxxies memories of Christmas past made me think. This year I have less money to pay for Christmas with (last year I could use credit cards/overdraft) even though I have less money I feel so much better in myself.
Firstly, because this year my family know why I've no money and they are supporting me with my addiction. They've said they don't want anything other than to see me get myself sorted get back on track and be happy with myself.
It helps so much them knowing. It doesn't feel like I have a sordid secret now. I don't have to live a double life, the one I showed to the world and the one I had in my head that I was too ashamed to share with anyone.
I have a full house at the moment because two of my daughters and husband/partner have moved in with me. One has sold their house and are in between moves. This means my lovely little grandson has moved in with me as well therefore my house is full of laughter and chatter again and I get lots of granny cuddles!!
Fortunately they're paying me board which is helping to pay towards Christmas so that's a bonus.
My head is feeling clearer and it's wonderful not feeling guilty or wasting hours watching the spinning reels.
I hope this feeling continues!
Best wishes to all x

Good Afternoon,

I have recently returned to the forum and was having a read of some diaries to draw inspiration.

I will admit to not reading every post but I was struck by your determination and resolve to not let this addiction defeat you.

I refer to your first ever post about 3 months bet free as you wanted to tell your counsellor. I could relate to this. I wrote on my diary each and every day, and attended my GA meetings every week without fail. For me it was a little like the tick in the register at school and the reward of 100% attendance was gratifying in the end.

What we have to remember in reality is our 100% attendance and commitment now has far greater rewards.The love and support of those closest to us and the chance of a better life. Christmas is a challenge, the financial expectation can be overwhelming but your last post really highlights what matters most. Being around those we care about.

I will look forward to following your journey and wish you continued success and strength in abstinence.

Flagg

Thanks for your kind words Flagg.
With regards to telling my councillor that I was still gamble free, I'm not sure whether it was me wanting to please again or me wanting to receive praise!
I wish I could say I will never gamble again but I can't. I know I should never gamble again so that's why I've put the blocks in place. If I didn't have them, i know for a fact that at some point I would gamble again. This upsets me knowing it, but I can only do what I can and as long as this stops me throwing money away then this is what I have to do . I just have to take it a day at a time and go to bed thinking, that's another day ticked off. Another day when my head feels OK, I'm fine with myself and I'm not crying into my pillow calling myself all the stupid names under the sun.
Why would I still want to gamble after all the heartache it's caused? I haven't a clue. It truly baffles me.
It's a hard road to travel but we must. I deserve better and so do my family.
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend x

Just looked at my bank account. Past halfway in the month, still some money in my account. Can afford a small treat for myself if I want one. Not a casino withdrawal in sight - happy days!! x

Happy days indeed. It must be nice to know you can have a small treat and it’s due to staying GF. Well done LML

Well done LML and keep up the good work!

Thank you for your post...& for you lil prayer....i honestly think I need them now...anything to help us push through.

Look after yourself, take the world on the chin! It's worth it & you deserve it ☺

S&B xx

Always nice to see positive posts from you Little miss lost. Know how hard it must of been for you to tell your family, pleased to read it has helped you.

Long may these happy and content feelings continue and grow.

Thanks to all the above for your kind comments.
Glint, when I was reading over a few of my early posts I saw a few of yours which you sent to me. They brought back the memories of how i felt at those times. I was at my lowest on many occasions and I remember reading your messages and you gave me hope with your little sayings. At the time they brought tears to my eyes but they gave me the strength to say 'I'm not a lost cause, I can do this!'
I know that I feel at my happiest, mentally when not gambling so this is what I have to do. Live only using cash. It takes some getting used to when I'm just used to shopping using contactless and pin numbers. A bit of advanced planning is needed but I'm sooo glad of it when madness takes a hold of me and the devil on my shoulder whispers the names of my favourite slots in my ear, reminding me of the bonus spins. See - ridiculous isn't it??? A grown woman taken prisoner by spinning reels. Laughable in our stronger moments. Heartbreaking in our weaker.
I've been on here quite a bit lately. I'm conscious of the fact that I'm sounding upbeat and to some I may be sounding ' full of myself' I know I could easily mess this up and be made to eat my words. I must stay strong.
It's a Sunday, still grateful that I don't have to work it.
We are all capable of doing this. We are all worthy x

Sorry to hear you had a bad evening . Hope you get some good rest tonight and feel better tomorrow