Uphill struggle

We can abstainer, we have to for our own sanity!
I'm still here, still hanging in. Thanks to the blocks I'm heading towards a gf Christmas. I promised myself I wouldn't spend this Christmas like my previous ones, having to put a brave face on despair, I'm happy to report I have nearly got there, just a few days to go.
Love and strength to all who are struggling.. Never give up. This addiction messes with your head but you can fight back. Only way that i could was to get blocks in place, well then, so be it. It's working so I'm sticking to it. I know for a fact I wouldn't if I didn't have them.
I've been so busy, only been able to pop in for quick catch-ups.
Wishing you all happiness this Christmas, there is hope and peace out there. We just have to find it x

Massive improvement on this time last year.

You have made some big strides forward this year Little miss lost.

Well done.

LML

You are working really hard and as you can see it is now starting to pay off. Keeping busy is always good and staying on here is not only helping you but you are also helping newbies and others posting on here. You always sound so kind and caring.

I wish you good luck for the rest of Xmas and hope 2018 will go well for you.

Take care

Gamparentanon

Belated thanks Glint and it's lovely to hear from you. Yes I have made changes in this last year and it has helped. They took a long time coming because deep down I didn't want to stop. I know I am far from safety but my health and well-being has improved for the changes so I can only say they have brought positives.
Gamparentanon, thank you for your very kind words. I guess, like yourself, only due to different circumstances, we can see what harm this addiction causes and how lonely and despairing it can make you feel.
I also return your kind words and wish you and all on here a wonderful 2018. x

Just a thought but what do you do when you just want to go online, watch the reels go round, feel the excitement of waiting for them to stop and gamble, gamble, gamble?
Yes I know it's not good for me, yes I know it's wrong and I NEVER come out winning in the long run, yes I know it always ends up with me feeling terrible but the fact is, whenever I get a spare hour the urges are always there.
I know that due to blocks I can't now get online but I wish I could.
Depresses me that I still want to and probably always will.
So much money lost. So much debt built up. So little spare cash at the end of each month to make any difference to those debts.
Got to keep going. Got to stay positive, got to learn by my mistakes and love the fact I've had a gamble free Christmas where I have not had to fake it, not felt despair and I have been able to look at myself in a mirror without feeling disgust.
Guess it's just one of those nights, roll on tomorrow xx

Lml...ditto your feelings tonight! Word to word as it's how exactly I feel.

Let's ride this out yeah..minute at a time..

You're doing well, cut yourself some slack and just imagine what next Xmas can bring! ☺..work for it..abstain & maintain

S&B xx

Hi S&B,
Sorry you feel like it also but I guess it helps knowing we're not on our own.
I guess it's just part and parcel of this addiction. I go back to before I started the slots. Life was just . . . normal.
No major excitement, yes there were upsets, yes I'd been heartbroken but that was just . . . life. The turmoil caused by this addiction is not life it's debilitating, mind numbing and torturous. It messes with your head, it tells you you're a complete idiot, fool, useless individual. It gives you a negative bank balance, numerous maxed out credit cards, 4 figure bank loan and a screwed up brain to confirm the fact that yes, weak as you are you've messed up big style.
Tomorrow things will look different, when I'm busy I don't even think about gambling. Tomorrow I'll get back on track. I'm grateful that tomorrow I'll think yes I'm nearly 3 months gamble free and no doubt i will feel better.
Sorry for negativity, I have so much good in my life I should feel happier. I will, I'll just have to tell the negatives to jog on!! Lol!
Love to all x

Hi Lml, I also get frustrated thst debts are clearing slowly but they are reducing not growing. I do literally anything to not think about gsmbling...eat(not so good!), have a bath or go to bed early. You are doing so well and as SJB sais ease up on yourself, ever dsy not gambling means you are winning. Take care S:)

Thanks sharon,
Apologies in advance . . .
It's no good I have to say it, I'm sounding bitter and twisted but I'm so envious of the people who can write I have XXXXX amount of debt and if I don't gamble for 6 months I can pay it off.
I'm not so kind and caring now am I! Jealousy is a bad thing - yes??
Note to self. . . Find a partner who can help pay bills or change job!! x

Ha!
There are no sugar daddies around I'm afraid lml lol..
Besides ain't it better to graft for our own money! It's not really about the jobs either huh..i am still pondering of applying for less paid job only cause I want to do it..maybe something i like so at the end of the day it's not about money huh..values, self reapect and dreams..thats what it is about!

Thank you for your previous reply. I kind of got into my own messy head over the weekend so struggled to reply! Now I'm back lol!!

How are things now? ....anger & jealousy apart ☺

Keep concentrating on today & today only. Litte steps forward..remember we had to learn to walk before we were able to run! (All the crawling bussiness which we tend to forget too soon 😉 ).

Happy New Year...make it a good one! The choice is yours!

S&B xx

Hi LML, I have just read through your whole diary. A rollercoaster ride for sure. I am so pleased for you having been GF for the past few months, I am sorry you are still getting so many gambling related thoughts. I am still struggling to get past my huge losses but I feel so much better after posting my diary/story yesterday. Your honesty and frankness in your diary has been incredible to see. Thanks for sharing your ongoing story LML. Scott.

Thanks S & B,
I'm happy to graft, just having a helping hand paying bills so I'd have a little more left over at the end of the month would be nice! Lol!
To be honest, I'm quite good. A little annoyed with myself because I went onto demo spins of my favourite game for a bit. I know it's a stupid thing to do but since when has knowing I'm being stupid stopped me?!! I bet people reading this could slap me , I don't blame them, I could slap myself lol!

Hi Scott, warm welcome to the forum. Amazed and honoured you managed to get through my diary and didn't give up half way through!
You're right, it's littered with many ups and downs. I've truly been in some dark places and don't know how I've hid it from people in the past
To be honest, I haven't put a lot down that's personal to me,( I've had surprise family wedddings and surprise family visits from abroad) because I'm just plain frightened someone is on here who might know me and put 2 and 2 together - madness!
Anyway, sounds like you've had your share of roller coaster rides yourself!
I'm so glad you've come on here and shared your story. It really helps to have like - minded people who understand. I hope this helps you to move on and recover from not only the money losses but the emotional beating this addiction gives us as well!
All good wishes for a gamble free 2018. We can do this!! X

Apologies upfront but...slap slap!!!

What are you thinking!. Not being funny but demos got me into serious trouble before.thats how it starts...addiction is looking f9forr a way in!
Where are your blocks? GamBan is only £10 for a year's license. Worth peace of mind! Protect yourself and don't let gambling beast tell you otherwise!

Now sleepy...shake all this off by the morning & don't beat urself up!...thank God nothing really happened and you have your finances intact! (Can't let the sugar daddy work overtime can we lol)

Xx

Thanks S & B slaps still stinging!
My brain needs rewiring. Problem is, people on here say 'I don't even feel like gambling, I never want to do it again. . .' I'm afraid for me that's not the case. I just want to stop losing and turning myself into an emotional wreck! I stop for months, don't go on anything, yet I still want to play. I guess my head still won't let go. I'm just been honest, I'm sure I'm not on my own.
Well, looks like it's time for my next step. Gamban here I come. I'll get my daughter to help me out buying it seen as I can't use my card online, it would certainly be £10 well spent if it doesn't mess my phone up.
Thanks S & B - message received, Over and out! X

Dear Little Miss lost in a tragic trance. Please be careful because you know the persuasive powers of the addiction.

Sadly we sometimes see gambling as a comforter but all it does is give us nightmares and trauma.

Take up hobbies, yoga, adult education classes, get a sewing machine, go to the gym, hang-gliging, mountaineer! Anything what takes your fancy. But don't play games with the addiction because it's smarter than we are.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. Keep looking forward and enjoy your recovery...stephen