Uphill struggle

Hi Merlins,

it's very hard to beat the urges when they are so strong and the urges do in the end make you gamble to just get a release from them. I don't know the answers as I only have strong urges now when I am down in the high street and I see the shops and I am in a bad mood, they are telling me to draw out £20 and go have some fun, I just have to walk on buy and get home asap.

You will decide ultimately what you want to do but hopefully you'll stay on the straight and narrow and keep your money in your pocket fella otherwise it'll all start up and take control again.

I wish you a peaceful day with less or no urges mate.

Wilsy

Thank you, Wil. I was just thinking out loud and keeping things in perspective because it helps sometimes.

Morning Little Miss. Just wanted to wish you a good weekend...stephen

Hi lml how are you just wanted to say a big thank you for your supportive posts especially at the beginning when I can back with tail between my legs. Your support means a lot and hope I can return in some way. Best wishes lml X

Woke up to what's now becoming my usual Saturday morning greeting from Stephen wishing me a good weekend, careful Stephen, I'll be starting to expect it! Haha!. Once again you made me smile so thank you and good wishes are returned along with happiness in abundance. (Not at a bun dance, but in abundance. I know what you're like with those dancing feet!) haha!
Lulubobs, I'm glad I was able to be there for you when you came back. I've been a bit quiet on here lately, only because I've been ДЏoing other things but I'm happy to see you seem to be managing well without me and getting lots of support from others.
I noticed you made double figures so well done for that. I know how difficult it is to achieve when you're in the vice-like grip so stand tall, be proud, give yourself a pat on the back and get out there and show the world what they've been missing!
Happy weekend and good wishes to all. x

Hey lil miss wild child! I am almost rolling on the floor laughing out loud (in other words ROLF) about a bun dance! Haha...trust you to come out with that! I am sure few more pairs of feet are tapping along now lol

Thanks for the post. I went through a lil mental ...well...journey of self destruction but am slowly getting back on my feet !(for that bun dance of course!).

Good to see you keeping busy! I was extremely busy doing some outside work (self development) but I guess I chewed on too much as stress took over!

Hay ho...i am here and fighting and it's good enough for me today ☺

Thanks again, hugs back & woofs from lil missy lady bark here 😉

Take Take & take it easy...be proud!

S x

Thank you for the post on my diary Little Miss Young At Heart.

You really brought a smile to my face picturing you and your grandson playing, singing and dancing. What a wonderful way to spend an evening.

Wishing you a great week ahead...stephen x

Hi Lml thanks do much for your kind post, yes had a super weekend! Feel a million miles away from how I felt at the beginning of last year. Admittedly I am not very patient but odaat is really the only way for me, whether it'S a good day, bad day etc as long as I get to bedtime GF that's all that matters. Take care and enjoy a GF day and beyond Sx

Thanks stephen and sharon, lovely to get your messages of support, thanks for taking the time.
Well, I'm still here, battling on. I'll start with the negatives. I was chatting with my adult daughters who known about my gambling for a good few months now and they asked me if I was still wanting to gamble. I replied 'to be perfectly honest, yes I'd probably gamble tomorrow if I could.' My daughter then looked at me and said 'you must feel like you're two different people,'
There's the life you have made for yourself with gambling - the debts, upset, addiction and then there's the life you show to everyone, where you make out everything is fine, yes, you're short on funds but people think that its because of your mortgage/bills etc and things are just a bit tight. They wouldn't dream that you have the debts that you do!'
It did make me think and yes, I suppose she summed it up in a nutshell. I am living my life as two different people.
At the moment I'm beating myself up because once again I've been looking on you tube at my favourite slot been played and I've started to watch it before I go to sleep. Just like I used to do, only then I gambled proper when I went to bed.
Feeling totally cr@P about the fact that I feel the need to do this. I know I should train my brain not to need it. As with all things to do with gambling I know what I should do but doing it is another matter. I'm just prolonging the agony keeping my brain tuned in to gambling, I know, I know. . . You don't have to tell me so please dont!
The good news is, I'm nearly 150 days gf! Yes it's an achievement because I haven't spent a penny but I don't feel good about it because of the fact I'm feeling the need to watch it on you tube. I must try to stop.
Another plus is that I've managed to have a little break. Only on a national holiday but it was an absolute bargain! 4 days bed, breakfast and evening meal £79! I had a really good trip but sitting in the bar on the evening (3 hours of 99p drinks - wine, beer, shorts etc!!) I got chatting to others of a similar age to me and they had retired or had an apartment abroad, or had just paid for their daughters wedding. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge them what they had but It did bring back to me what a mess I'd made with my life. Then again look at the positives, I've got my family and my health, that counts for a hell of a lot.
Anyway, basically I managed to get away because I hadn't gambled for 4 months (kids helped out with a bit of Christmas prezzie money) but if I'd have still been gambling I'd have spent that online.
I do feel as though I've let myself down going on YouTube and I'm not saying it get people to respond, I'm just saying it because it's on my mind, it's feeling like I've got a secret again because nobody knows, that's not a good feeling, I need to get it out of my system. So two things that I need to do now - stop going on you tube and look for where I want to go for my next mini break lol!!
All good wishes x

Hi lml here’s hoping I can uplift you a bit my friend x regards watching on you tube, your still gf! Don’t pull yourself down because at end of day your not actually feeding money into the slot which you should be proud of yourself. You know though it’s not an ideal way to be but maybe it’s your way of ‘weening’ yourself off gambling. Don’t be too hard on yourself lml your not actually gambling. Could you find something else that interests you on You Tube? I watch a lot of history stuff, bit of an addict to the 14th/15th & 16th century period. Is there anything else that interests you? I’m with you lml, keep fighting you offer so much support, take some for yourself:) best of wishes my friend X lulu

Hi Lml lovely to hear you've had a break, recovery is so tiring and draining but a million times better than gambling but really saps it out of you. Don't beat yourself up as whatever keeps you GF is a help and hopefully you'l need what your doing less? Absolutely no disrespect to your family but unless you have been a gambler I think it's impossible to understand what thought processes happen and how addictive it is.I have always been drawn to arcades, slot machines etc and it literally took a mention of online bingo/slots and I was hooked. I feel so pathetic that I have been so sucked in but there are other issues that have contributed for sure. Sorry to blurb but you really are doing your best and every GF is a good day take care Sx

Hi, thanks lulu and sharon for your kind words, it was lovely to hear from you, good to see your gf days building up too! We all know where we're coming from on here, I used to be one of those who couldn't understand how people could do such a thing as gamble, now I'll never pass comment on anything anyone does again because unfortunately I now know first hand how addictions work.
I had a bit of a shock tonight. I got an email showing my new statement from stepchange. I haven't bothered looking at it lately because I just pay a set amount a month which isn't much so I know that my balance won't change that much. Tonight I found my account number and checked my statement and saw that one of my debts had gone up by nearly £2000!
When I looked at previous statements it showed that it jumped up in November last year. I phoned stepchange but they're closed due to bad weather conditions. What a carry on. I hope I can get it sorted soon and I hope they've got it wrong although there most likely will probably be some valid reason for the increase. I'm never going to get the debts paid off at this rate. I might even have to think about an iva which I'm not sure is a good idea because I have equity in my house now.
I know they're my debts and I'm to blame for the mess I've got myself into but it really doesn't seem fair that others can get them written off if they don't own a property or work (I think that's the case, sorry if I'm wrong) I guess I'm just pickled off with seeing that extra chunk been added to my debt. I try not to think about what I owe, it gets me down if I do.
Ah well, these things are sent to try us!
Moan, moan, moan . . . that all i seem to do lately!
Note to self . . . Stop moaning and cheer up!!! Lol! X

re - read my post above and I apologise to anybody who I might of upset due to my rant. This addiction can affect anyone and the stress it causes treats us no differently - young or old, rich or poor.
Just a follow up. I've managed to get things sorted at stepchange. After a few phone calls it became clear that mistakes had been made and my debt was thankfully reduced.
Happy weekend to all x

Hey LML, I’m glad you managed to sort things at Stepchange.

Stay positive and keep yourself on the non gambling path.

Dan x

Thanks Dan, well I suppose I've no other option than to stay gambling free. I'm so much better with my health, patience, stress levels when I keep off the slots. I don't mind buying myself the odd treats like a take away, new top etc so why would I go back??
I never have much money but at least I always have enough for the essentials.
When I look back at myself at my lowest I wonder how I got through those days. I'd be a fool to go back to it. I must not give in. I like been able to get up in the morning and not have to think about how much I lost the night before - let's face it, I like just been able to sleep!
I like been able to look at myself in the mirror without hating myself.
I like been able to truthfully answer my girls when they ask if I've managed to stay gf. I like been able to have the odd treat.
That's a lot of likes so my life must be looking up because 6 months ago I couldn't have said them.
I must forget all the good that being gf brings. It's all too easy to take recovery for granted.
All good wishes x