Uphill struggle

Stephen you are a ray of sunshine!
Thank you for your poetic gift.
I know I've tended to moan a bit lately but I suppose I use this forum as a sounding block. Sometimes it helps to get things out so they're not festering inside me. Besides if I'm feeling this way, surely some others must be feeling like it too?
Anyhow, happy to report I've had a lovely weekend with my family.
Saturday, gardening with my 20 month old grandson - (well he played with the watering can and splashed in the puddles. I don't think the worm was too happy to meet him either!)
Today I cooked a lamb dinner and played a few games with my 3 daughters and husbands/partners. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea but we all enjoyed it and had a laugh.
So to bed, new book at the ready. All good wishes x

Hello Little Miss, trust you are having a good weekend. I have missed your posts over the last week and hoping your ok.

I always find inspiration in your posts which have a lot of common sense, good advice and they usually give me a frown and a chuckle at the same time. I imagine many people on the diaries can identify with your struggles and emotional ups and downs.

As you rightly point out it is a good feeling to wake up in the morning having not gambled the previous day. We all have thoughts of gambling and sometimes the urges are quite strong but other times we feel good about our gamble free adventure. It's good to concern ourselves with today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

You recently wrote "we need to rise up from the ashes and regain control of our lives." I couldn't agree with you more...stephen x

Hi diary, thanks for your lovely message Stephen. As you stated I've not been very active on here lately.
I'm happy to say I've still managed to stay off the slots.

Last few days I've put my radio on, watched the telly and noticed even more that all the adverts/sponsors are gambling related. Just makes you realise how much money they must make off the likes of us. They're telling us to 'Do this for free, do that for free, receive this for free, receive that for free ' led me on to think that they've invented a new sport, it's a whole new style of fishing. Throw the bait, wait for the nibble, then reel them in. Only it's not fish they're catching. It's the likes of me and you. Well I've had enough, they've thrown me back in a few times only for me to be tempted and get caught up again. This time I won't take that nibble again. They can go and throw the tempting treats in another pond I'll just swim on by and like the ducks, I'll keep treading water. . .

I was also reading a book earlier. A fiction book about the criminal underworld. There was a page about been in a betting shop and it was describing the punters in there as losers , low life's and s**m. It hit me hard.
I almost fell out with the author (it's one who I love and read regularly) I thought is that how people look at us? Personally, I don't go in betting shops because my vice is online slots but it's just the same. I'm doing exactly what anyone who's stood in a betting shop on a FOBT machine is doing. This flipping addiction - we are not low lives or s**m. We are people with feelings and emotions. We ARE worthy. We CAN and WILL succeed!!
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
All good wishes x

HI LML

Sorry to read you have found it tough recently. You are doing well and keeping on the gamble free path is the only way. You may feel like you are missing the thrill of the slots but maybe it is a little deeper than that, a void that needs filling. Maybe find a new hobby to get your teeth into or make some plans to keep yourself busy and fulfilled.

Remember if you don't have that next gamble life will only improve, you may miss the thrill but you don't miss the devastation and shame that the big losses carry.

Keep going girl.

Matt

Thanks for your kind words Matt, always good to hear from you. I love hearing about your new adventures, all made possible by your determination to become gamble free.
Also thank you Stephen the stoic, your words are heartfelt, flattering and always make me smile.

Hello all, well have I got news for you. I've been really busy lately, big changes in my personal life which have saddened me but i have felt had to be necessary and to be honest not had much inclination to come on here.
Anyway here's the news a few of you will be more interested in. On Friday night I sat for 6 hours till 3am in the morning throwing away just over £100 on an online slot which Gamban had obviously missed.
"Oh no!" I hear you say, "Oh yes!" I reply.
Let's face it, we all know judging from my previous posts it was probably inevitable. I knew in myself that I couldn't commit to saying I'd remain gamble free. It's always been there bubbling away.
As I've also said, others say they rarely get urges, to me the opposite applies.
It was ridiculous really. I was paying in US dollars on a game that I'd never even seen before, how desperate is that?!!
Amazingly, I managed to stop myself, leaving what I thought was ВЈ50 in my bank to get me through to the end of the month. As it turned out it was only £30 so definitely a good job I didn't put more in. (Ps I've self-excluded now!)
Amazingly, I'm not over sad about the fact. It just re-enforced to me how I couldn't stop. 6 months it had been since I last played. I just kept putting in more and more money. I was winning a few times but there was no way on earth that I would draw it out. As my funds were getting lower I'd say to myself just let me win my money back and I'll draw it out - I won, but you've guessed it - I never withdrew. I just sat back in my old zombified mode press, press, pressing!
Yes, afterwards I wished I hadn't but at the time I was quite happy.
I'm at the stage where I seem to have had my fix and what has surprised me is how it's made me feel. I just knew that I wasn't going to stop so now I'm thinking what's the point in doing it?
I'll never have the money to put in it to enable me to win big so what's the point?
I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm just going to look at in 6 months I've spent £100 on slots. I'll take that as a success considering I used to spend at least that in a week from my overdraft or credit cards.
I feel no need to gamble at the minute. I feel quite calm and philosophical about the whole thing.
I'll just keep plodding away and hope this 'not too fussed to go on the slots again' feeling, stays with me. I doubt it but I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts!
All good wishes to everyone , stay strong. Sorry if you've supported me lately. I've always appreciate your posts, they've helped me many a time. I'll get there. Take care x

Hello my friend. At least your ok in yourself which is good news. You had an itch which you felt compelled to scratch so it's over and done with. I was pleased to read you than excluded from that obscure gambling website. It did strike me as a bit ridiculous and I couldn't help but wonder where your £100 is now !!!! Hopefully it's been put to good use wherever it is.

I really can't think of anything upbeat or constructive to write. You work so hard for your wages and you have such a lovely nature that it saddens me to think of you wasting both your time and money on something so pointless.

I know from your posts that you still had urges to gamble but it's best to keep fighting it one day at a time. Maybe in time to come the addiction will have less of an influence over us. We might even come to recognise it for what it really is. Take care...stephen x

Thanks Stephen, don't you go worrying about me. I'm so much better than what I used to be when I was in full blown 'spend money that I haven't got and survive on 2 hours sleep' mode.
I'm just a bit in limbo at the moment. I feel I work quite hard but have next to nothing to show for it after all bills are paid. Next month it's my cars MOT test. Depending on how it gets on I'll probably have to borrow off parents to get it through, then add it to my debts with them that I try to pay at £50 off most months.
That's not a position that I expected or wanted to be in at 54 years old.
I suppose I should stop moaning and change my job if I want more money but I'm not sure what I could be happy doing.
Ah well, my family and I are fit and healthy so there's another thing I should be grateful for - and I am.
All good wishes x

I don't think changing your job is the answer because you enjoy your work. Money is not the "be all and end all," job satisfaction has got to be the main priority. You'll just have to manage your money better, relax and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

It really makes my blood boil to see the devastation that compulsive gambling wreaks on peoples lives. Lovely, caring people who, sadly, are addicted to gambling. There is no end of unscrupulous people who will happily take advantage of vulnerable gambling addicts. They prowl the gambling websites looking for their prey.

Take care little miss maestro. Why not draw a line & step over it. A fresh start awaits you, a new chapter in the life of wonderful lady who deserves so much better. Look kindly on yourself and nurture the child within. Show her the love, compassion and affection that you happily give to others.....stephen x

Morning Little Miss, hope your happy and well. Wishing you a good weekend.

I don't know if you are aware but GamStop is now operating whereby anyone can self exclude from all uk registered online bookmakers. It only takes a few minutes to register.

Advice plus a link to it, can be found on threads in in the Overcoming Problem Gambling section of the forum. It is also covered by Mixer in a recent post on the Guru Challenge...stephen x

Just thought I'd drop a line because I haven't written for a while.
Thanks for your kind messages Stephen. I hope you've climbed out of that hole and managed to get yourself onto the right path again. Never give up - you are sooo worth it!
I'm still plodding along, not thrown any more money away online since I was last on here. Like for most people life is throwing obstacles but I'm trying to keep my spirit up and batting them aside.
My family are all well. I'm trying to keep occupied. Personally, it's a tricky time. Wouldn't it be great if someone could come along and tell you what would be the best thing to do for you, when you just don't know which way to turn?!
I'm not sure of many things but I am sure that emotionally I'm a much better person when I'm not gambling. I sleep, work and socialise more when I'm not spinning those awful soul destroying reels.
I've a little bit of money in bank (partly due to my daughter living temporarily with me and paying some board) I'm not sure how I'll cope money wise when she moves out soon but I'll worry about that when it happens. Because of this I'm enjoying being able to pop out with friends for a meal or a few drinks - nothing major but all makes me feel like I'm living a bit and not just existing.
All good wishes to everyone on this journey. Matt - if you're reading I'm so so happy that you've turned your life around. I wish you everything good and love reading your wonderful posts!
Stephen from Ireland - I've forgotten your new name and don't want to come out of typing in case I lose the post! If it's you and you're still out there - don't give up. Try your best to get help. You CAN do it! I wish you all the best and often wonder how you're doing. I hope you've kept paying for your bus pass so you at least don't have those long walks to work. Keep posting and try your best to stay gamble free. As you can see from Matts posts, it CAN be done.
All good wishes to everyone else especially Lulu, Sharon etc x

Great to hear from you Lml and congrats on still remaining GF. I don't post much now as am a) working loads sad b)Sometimes feel like I'm covering old ground. But like yourself even if life is tricky being GF makes it bearable. Take care and enjoy life S x

Just thought I'd share. . .

Booked to have hair cut, coloured and blow dried today at hairdressers. Granted it's on a groupon so it's cheaper but I'd usually colour it myself then get a cheap cut. All courtesy of NOT going on the slots!
Amazing, that as an addict, these little things (which many take for granted) mean a lot and make me feel better about myself.
All good wishes x

Just a quick word.
I still drop in occasionally to catch up with the diaries. I haven't spent one penny on online slots since my last blip so I'm happy with that.
I've been so busy of late that when my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep!
All other areas of my life aren't what I'd hoped for but as long as my head is free from the hell of slots I know that life is good.
For anyone out there struggling, don't give up, In my darkest moments, I really couldn't see me ever being able to stop but I eventually put blocks in place and it's helped.
You can do it if you really want to. On this occasion, the grass is greener on the other side and the sun comes out to help rid you of that heavy, black cloud that sits on your shoulder weighing you down.
Stay strong, be proud, you can do it! X

LML has been through hell but lived to tell the tale

Of sleepness nights tormented when she'd simply weep and wail

Leprechauns, spinning reels, gold in money pots

Enticed her without mercy to the bookies evil slots

Great post miss...
Been a pleasure to watch you fighting the fight....told you you'd get to a better place love...
And trust me.....it just gets better...well done for how far youve come love...have a great weekend xx