Uphill struggle

Hello Little Miss. I am so sorry to read of your return to gambling. It really doesn't make any sense why any of us return to gambling when we know full well what the outcome will be.

I am pleased though that you have come back on the diaries. You know that here you are amongst friends who understand what you are going through.

Whatever you might think at the moment, you are a lovely lady who tries to do what is right and proper. You love your family dearly. You have also given love and support to the many children who have passed through your classrooms. You didn't ask to be a compulsive gambler and you have tried on many occasions to overcome the gambling urges. You are a good person with an illness.

Don't beat yourself up because it won't do any good. Take stock of your situation and decide on the best way forward. It might be best to come clean with your daughters and ask for their help in managing your finances again but that is a choice for you to make. They are however, fully aware of your addiction to gambling (although they might not understand it), so it might not come as a complete surprise to them.

I wish you well my friend. I am going to bed shortly and will ask the angels to bring you comfort, understanding and the inner strength you will need in continuing your journey up the gamcare mountain...stephen x

I have read a lot of the comments here(almost all), little miss lost. I can see that you are depending solely on willpower. It is impossible, as I have learned now. TRUST ME. Willpower is used in a conflict of will. Gambling is addiction! You have to remove the brainwashing and the desire to gamble. The main reason for failure is fear... The fear that you will be deprived. But you arent! You lose nothing by stopping and gain everything.

You must NOT try to not think about gambling. If I say "dont think about apples", what did you think? Exactly. Its VITAL that you dont block thoughts. Instead of thinking: "d**n... I cant gamble", think: "Yippie, IM FREE!! I dont have to do that anymore"
Paradoxally think of this: When a gambler bets, he in that moment feels like a non-gambler feels all the time. A non gambler is on par all the time. A gambler is always under par. He goes on par when gambling, but after, his normal par is below par!

REMEMBER THIS! The urge is created by your last gamble, meaning it does not relieve stress, its the cause of it! Enjoy breaking the little monster in your body! Take away the desire to gamble, and you dont need willpower or anything else. I was 2 years gamble free with access to all gambling sites whilst having money in my available bank card. Unfortunately a trauma got me back, but I have learned that now! That gambling does not fix your anxiety etc, its the cause of it.

Thankyou determined Dan, it is indeed unfortunate that there are many people in our situation.
I feel for each and every one of them. I wish you success in your journey and hope to join you on your way.
Hello self sufficient, my hometown friend. Reading the above post brought me to tears. Thankyou for your kind words. I've taken every one of them and wrapped them around me like a security blanket.
I have a friend that I have spoken to about my latest bout of gambling but as much as she tries, she just doesn't understand why I do it when I, myself know that deep down I'll end up losing. That's why I'm back here, amongst fellow sufferers who, if probably like myself, really know where I'm coming from when I talk about the pull of the reels.
So, I've blocked myself from the site, leaving their money monster rubbing it's tummy and licking it's lips, no doubt with a contented leer on its face.
Along with you Stephen, I hope that your angels give me guidance and strength to get through yet another self-inflicted traumatic experience.
I'll see how I go, I'm not sure that I can face telling my children at the moment, coward that I am. It's taking me all my time just to go through the motions. I'll build my strength back up a little, then the situation that I have put myself in again will probably mean that I'll have to come clean anyway. My daughters know that I've had the money off my parents, they'll still think that I have it. That's the hardest part, I've not only let myself down, I've let them down again too. They try to support me so much but I've got to get off that line of thought because I'll just break down if I don't, then I'll be no use to anyone.
Work keeps me going. I have no time to think about my personal problems when I'm there, it's a reprieve but I'm back to beating myself up whenever I have a minute and my thoughts return to my situation in hand.
Sending you a big grateful hug for your unwavering support, I'll catch up on your diary soon.
Li'l miss x

Sorry rootofallevil, I have just read your post. Must have come through whilst I was writing mine. Thankyou for your time. I'll take on board your advice and wish you success on your journey x

Hey love ...I can feel your pain ...and remember all those feelings so well.....good on you for coming back here and seeking support...I'm certainly not going to judge you love....I really think you need to talk to you're daughters....hard ..yes ...again I remember that scenario. ..shame..guilt...embarrasment etc..I felt just the same...but...you need to draw some strength from them...you're addiction will just keeping chipping away at you ...untill it takes absolutely eveything....it will keep telling you it can make eveything all right...but you know love...that it's actually making all the problems...get those blocks in place now .....they can....and do work....Will power alone simply won't work....
You've done this before...so you can do it again....remember that first cake you made as a child ?
Bit of a mess I expect. ...lol
I reckon one you made today would be much more presentable....
And to make a good cake. .....you have to put in the right ingredients ...so....to really fight you're addiction love.....think about what's going into you're cake !
Sending you a supportive hug ((())))xxx

You just dont need it... Imagine if you dont stop now. You will in 10 years think back if you stopped then... Its a vicious cycle that is not ever stopping by itself. Gambling consumes people. Its never enough. If you win, that is going back in. Then you start to think of all the winnings and try to win that back. People win to gamble more...

"The only way to leave the casino with a small fortune, is to go there with a big one"

Hi rootofallevil & Loxxie, my saviour when I fall!!
I don't know what to do with myself. I do well, I have blocks in place with gamstop then lose it big style and go into self-destruct mode because I managed to find a site that would let me on.
Anyway, that's enough of that. I've just got to think positively, I am so lucky, lovely caring family, quite good health and a gorgeous little grandson who melts my heart. What more could I need?!
Happiness to all x

Many thanks Little Miss for your post on my diary. It is just what I needed as I have been pestered today by thoughts of gambling. I will re-read that post many times over the coming days and weeks when I am in need a reality check.

I hope you are feeling ok and have come to terms with the situation you now find yourself in. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the peace, contentment and happiness which you deserve and which is waiting for you somewhere up ahead on your gamble free journey.

We cause ourselves so much heartache for no good reason but we must not lose hope. After a fall one must get back on their feet and try again. Take care my friend ...stephen x

Hello Little Miss Light On The Christmas Tree. Hope you are enjoying the festivities with your wonderful family. I imagine your lovely little grandson will be keeping everyone entertained. Precious moments to be embraced and good memories to be made.

I honestly believe that now is a great oportunity for us to make a fresh start. Let's kick this horrible gambling into touch once and for all.

I Propose that we make 2019 a gamble free year.

What have we got to lose? Nothing.

What have we got to gain? I don't know.

Let's just try it and find out.... Love and best wishes from stephen x

Hi Stephen, lovely to hear from you.
Christmas day shared with my family, yes indeed I'm a very lucky lady.
Once again, as a trait of a compulsive gambler, I felt undeserving of my gifts.
Thanks to blocks, I haven't lost that much in this last year, compared to previous years but on a few occasions I have still succumbed to the pull so that in itself is a negative.
I'm just thankful that I have family and friends in my life to help keep my going. I could so easily succumb to the devastation/debts/self hatred caused by gambling by locking myself away but I have to keep going, keep smiling, keep loving and giving because without them, I truly would be an empty vessel.
I'm looking forward to happier days ahead. Free from the dark clouds of gambling. When you take gambling or more to the point, losing, out of the equation the world is a much better place.
Here's to contentment and happiness in 2019. I'm starting it by having my gorgeous grandson sleep over, what a great way to start the year (hopefully, if he allows me to get some sleep!!) haha!
Good wishes, strength, love and happiness to all x

Bedt wishes for 2019 Lml, you can do this! Be kind to yourself and enjoy time with your super family, take care S x

How you doing miss...?
Xx

Thankyou for your unwavering support Sharon and Loxxie.
I'm doing fine thanks.
I've got personal problems and faults with my house that need fixing etc but nothing that brings me down as low as when I gamble.
There are times when it just hits you, how good you feel when you haven't been gambling. I've said it before but I'll say it again, you walk around, without that troublesome heavy weight on your shoulder. You feel good about yourself.
I noticed this last week, it just hit me. I was walking through my place of work, smiling at people as I went with a spring in my step. I just thought to myself, this is great, this is how I want to feel. The only time I feel like this is when I'm not gambling.
Fortunately for me, I've only gambled a few times, probably for a week or so at a time, over the last year. I've had my fill of months on end walking with that black cloud above my head. I know for a fact, gamble free is the only way. When gamble free, my mental health improves massively.
Can you believe that for Christmas my children put together for a plane ticket for me to go and see my son who lives in Australia!!!
I'll be going in our summer, just after he's had my second grandchild!! How lucky am I!!!
Loxxie, you've been my guiding light. As you asked in the post above how I am, it's lovely to share this news with you.
Why would I gamble and mess this up?? I'm determined not to. My family deserve a better mum and I'm doing all I can to make sure that's what they get.

All good wishes
Lml x

Just lovely news miss...
I'm imagining you strutting round with you're head held high....beaming from ear to ear...
And so you should......it's great to read you're doing so well. ...and even better to hear that you can cope with everyday P**P....without running to gamble.....and that you're feeling so posative.....
Those children of yours. ....they love you.....and you deserve that trip.....soooooo exciting.....
Keep doing what you're doing love...it's working.....xc

That is such wonderful news Lml and I am so pleased for you. You are a very special lady and your family will always love and respect you for the love and affection you have shown them throughout there lives.

Thank you so much for the poem you posted on my diary. I have read it several times over and I will read it many times in the future. Two verses in particular had a great impact on me:

"Maybe all that you need to achieve gamble free,

Is some self-belief,

That you are worthy!"

&

"If I had a wand,

I'd wave it your way,

And make this one wish,

Gamble free, you will stay."

I sometimes try to picture my guardian angels watching over me. From now on, if ever I am troubled by thoughts of gambling I will ask the angels to make a space for you and your wand. The Angels are very loving and will be delighted to have you alongside them....Stephen x