Uphill struggle

Hi, I'm back. I'd say unfortunately but I'm trying to stay positive. 

Just had a relapse and need to have something else to focus on. I joined gamstop years ago and it's definitely helped but I just can't seem to resist completely. I go for months not gambling but then my head goes and I lose what I've saved. 

I've just done the ridiculous and thrown away all of my savings from the last few months and my new pay packet for this month. Dopey me went on a dodgy site not on gamstop. I knew I was being stupid but we all know that doesn't usually make much difference once the gambling demon raises its ugly head. 

The good news is, I feel stronger and though it may not sound it, more in control. I no longer can get credit - not proud saying it but it's helped. At least I cannot get into more debt. 

I've to put these dark months behind me and start again. 

I'm hoping using this thread again will help. 

In my head I want to just get through this month, then when I get paid again build up some savings. They may only be small but the positives I take from achieving this are immense. My mental health improves considerably and my confidence improves which in turn makes me a better person to be around. 

Anyway, I'll leave it here for now. Hi to anyone who remembers me. I wish it was on a happier note that we were catching up, yes I feel a bit of a failure coming back but I must add that I'm stronger and feeling better than I felt a couple of years ago so I suppose on that note all is good. I'm just getting myself out of this hole but this time it's only a pothole and not a cavernous one which it has felt in the past. 

Stay strong 

Lml x

??? Welcome Home Little Miss ??? 

Sorry you fell by the wayside but pleased to see you back on your feet and feeling positive. 

I have thought about you several times this year when education was in the news. Hope you have been managing to get some teaching done. 

I trust you managed to get to Australia and see your new grandchild. That would have been lovely for you. I had a dream in which your family was on the beach in Queensland watching you do acrobatics on a surf board ?‍♀️?‍♀️?.

All good with me, I am just listening to "Sunday Night Is Music Night" on Radio 2. Brilliant program.

Take care dear friend and keep your chin up.

Love and best wishes.

Stephen x 

Thankyou Stace for your kind words. It means a lot to know that you've taken the time to give me your support.

I hope that you continue counting the gamble free days because we all know, through hard lessons, that staying gamble free is the only way forward.

Stay strong, you can do it. X

Stephen, what joy it gave me to see your lovely reply!!

It was kind of you to say that you have been thinking about me. To be honest I looked on this site a while back. I noticed it had all changed and tried to look for a few members who had helped me along the way in the past. I put in your name but nothing came up so it was great to have you reply. I see you have changed your username. 

It's so good to hear that you are doing well. I still don't know how to find a thread on here for you so I have to hope that you're not just saying that and that things have improved for you. 

I'm not kidding when I say that in the past your posts have moved me to tears. I have many questions that I'd like to ask but they may be a bit personal to put out on here but can I just ask the one? You may be surprised by what it is but if you think back to a few years ago, you may realise why I ask. "Do you still get your monthly pass for the bus?" I truly hope that you do and that your work conditions have improved. 

I had to laugh at your remark about Australia. Yes, amazingly, I made it all the way there and back on my own and had a lovely time thankyou. I've managed to save some money to go towards a ticket to go back (covid permitting) and I'm pleased to say I gave it to my brother to look after!! 

Can you believe that in one year every one of my children had a baby so I had 4 new grandchildren which now makes it 5 altogether!! Telling you this, makes me kick myself all over again. Why I should feel the need to gamble is madness. 

I'm just awaiting the news at 8 to see about work. Our school did quite well compared to most. We were able to keep operating quite well in the lead up to Christmas. 

What strange times we're in. I hope that you and your family are keeping well and look forward to hearing from you again. 

Take care 

Love Lml x

Congratulations on your four new grandchildren Little Miss. That is wonderful news. 

I believe the eldest grandchild will be coming on four now so no doubt you will have your hands full with that little chappie ??‍♂️?.

Lockdown again sadly. Will you be teaching online? or putting your feet up for a few weeks? I imagine you will be devastated because I know you love teaching the children and you will also miss the social aspect and the company of your work colleagues.

Well done on putting the money aside for your next visit to Australia. You were very brave travelling all that way on your own. I am pleased it all went well. 

I did used to get a monthly bus pass for work many years ago. Had to leave that job as was troubled with plantar fasciitis and took early retirement 10 years ago. I tried taxi driving when my feet got better but I didn't like it because I was giving all my earnings to the betting shops. Very foolish. 

Pleased to say I am now several months away from my last gamble and feeling very confident about recovery. I was 70 in October so think I am now old enough to know better.

Every time I relapsed I started a new diary and changed my Username. People said it wouldn't help but it made me feel better.

Was enjoying Salsa dancing again until this awful virus came along but hope to get back to it soon.

You seem to be heading in the right direction with recovery and the gambling episodes are getting less damaging which is good. One day you will stop permanently. Your life will be better and your angels will be happy. 

Love and best wishes.

Stephen x 

Ha, Stephen, you must think I'm a right Crazy Daisy, the question that I asked you!

Silly me got my Stephens mixed up and I now realise I'm talking to my fellow City dweller!!!!

I've got to say that it's a joy to hear from you too! That's what happens when you change your username!!

It's great to hear that you're a few months gamble free. It's not an easy road but I hope that it's one you can keep on. I'd like to walk beside you, we can help each other along the way!! 

Yes, we're on lockdown again. I'll be in school all this week helping to sort work out for the children etc then I'll be working from home. Put my feet up? I wish haha! I'll be making lots of phone calls, marking online work and anything else that usually crops up! 

We'll also be taking it in turns to go into school to look after the key workers children.

It's a shame you can't still do your dancing (or any of the courses that you used to attend) I hope that you have managed to fill your time with another hobby. You always seemed to keep yourself busy. 

Lovely catching up with you. 

Take care and speak soon 

Love and best wishes

Lml x

Haha Little Miss. It is Stephen from over the river ???.

Online teaching must be a big challenge for you and your colleagues and whilst some children will take it in their stride, I magine others may struggle. Respect to you for giving them guidance in their formative years.

I sincerely hope this is the time you give up gambling for good because I feel it would benefit you greatly.

One day at a time is a good mantra for people like us. Them one days soon add up.

I will be following your progress with a passion and celebrating your victories.

Somewhere over the horizon I can see a lady called Little Miss Found Herself and she looks awesome.

Love and best wishes.

Stephen x 

Little Miss Found Myself sounds good to me!

I must admit, I'm starting to think about myself a bit more than I did, my wants and needs. I'm not seeing this as a bad thing and I suppose it comes as no surprise to realise it comes from my clearer gambling-free stretches that I've had over the last few years.

Gambling makes you lose all of your self-confidence, it makes you feel unworthy, a failure and a bad person - it did me anyway. I've spoken about it on here before. I will never forget the painful emotions. The weight of that black cloud which I swear used to drape itself over my shoulders in my darkest gambling days, dragging me down making me bow my head, preventing me from looking/talking to the people around me. Not wanting them to guess my sordid secret. Not wanting them to know what a failure I was. 

I know that I'm not completely there yet, with regards to recovery but I know that I have turned a corner. I know what makes me feel good - a genuine good and not a temporary good experienced by gambling which is very often followed by a massive downer when I've given all the winnings back because I couldn't stop! What makes me feel good is when I have gone a good amount of months not gambling!! 

Anyway, that's enough of that. I guess it helps to talk about it. I have a couple of friends that I sometimes mention it to if I'm struggling. They're supportive but I know they don't really understand how or why I would gamble - throw my hard earned money away (as they would say!) 

Blimey Stephen, I bet you're thinking, Little Miss Chatterbox is back!! Haha!! 

I apologise for waffling on. 

Here's to better days ahead, strength and happiness for us all. 

Lml x

Hello Little Miss.

Hope you have had a good day.

Your last post took my breath away with its honesty and raw emotion. I can totally identify with the torment you have experienced in the past through gambling.

It is often referred to as insidious and I think that describes it in a nutshell.

The good news is that you, me and many others on the diaries have recognised that we must stop gambling if we are ever to have any quality of life.

We have all tried damage limitation which might work to a degree but ideally we need to be finished with gambling completely. It comes along masquerading as a friend but we all know it certainly is not a friend in any shape or form.

Pleased to say I have had a lovely day. Retired and living the dream. Bit of tidying up followed by a walk through town passing Princes Quay and on to marina and the pier before finishing at the Deep where I chilled (in more ways than one ???) before walking back home. Two hours total and I felt really good afterwards.

Just listened to a song called "Little Miss Lost And Found". Spotify or YouTube.  (I knew there had to be one).

Quite a catchy tune and a couple of lines in particular caught my attention:

"It doesn't really matter just how long you've been lost

Girl, it's never too late to be found."

I believe that is true for all of us because it is never too late to turn over a new leaf.

Love and best wishes.

Stephen x 

Hi, fancy finding a song with that title! I've just listened to it and it is a catchy tune. 

Sounds like you were out and about yesterday, blowing away the cobwebs. I think I'll take a walk today to see my girls and wave from the path! Fortunately, they don't live far away from me and I need to get some exercise.

I'm feeling OK at the moment. I try not to think too much about gambling. I made the mistake of going on demo games. Big mistake, it gets your brain back into it. Ridiculous really, you know it's wrong but there's that little devil on your shoulder telling you to do it. Anyway, once again, I'm trying to keep well away. As your song said "take things slowly and you'll get there faster" Yep, I've got to chill, relax, take my time. Not expect a sudden miracle, keep doing the right thing, look after myself and then I'll get there!!!

Take care and stay safe

Lml x

Evening Lml. Hope your having a good weekend and enjoyed your walk.

A daily walk has helped me enormously during the last year. I am fortunate because my location means I can easily walk through the city centre than on to the waterfront. Once there, I enjoy gazing out over the river. The water in the Marina had plenty of ice on it today so pleased I am not living on one of the boats in there. 

Fingers crossed, all this covid malarkey will be sorted out by the summer and life will return to some kind of normality.

Love and best wishes.

Stephen x 

Hi, yes, I enjoyed the walk thanks. Blimey, I didn't realise how cold it was - it certainly gave me rosy cheeks!!

Oh my, I have just spent 10 minutes looking back at my posts. I'm not quite sure whether this was a good thing to do. Many heartwrenching posts amongst them. Many memories which are quite difficult to remember. 

Boy, this addiction has a lot to answer for.

Reading them makes me wonder why would I ever want to gamble again??!! If only it was so easy! 

It also reminded me of the many people who have helped me along the way. I hope that they are all well and managing to stay gf. 

Anyway, at the moment, I have a busy, busy life so that helps.

It's been a week or two now since I last threw my money away and it never ceases to amaze me how little gamble free time it takes before you start to feel much better in yourself.

I'd also like to say thankyou Stephen for your time and consideration. It's lovely to come on and see your posts. I hope that you have had a lovely day.

All good wishes 

Lml x

Inspired by your positivity Little Miss and genuinely believe that your time has come.

It is plain to see you have a good understanding of what we are up against and in all other spheres of your life you behave in a responsible manner. A wonderful sense of humour and you are knowledgeable, supportive and reliable.

In your last post you referred to the last time you gambled as the last time you threw your money away. That really struck a chord with me because we were quite literally throwing money away. Might as well have gone in the charity shop and given them the money!

I glanced back at your diary for the last few years and I also got to wondering how all those lovely people are getting on. Hope they are all happy and enjoying life.

Saw in the news a couple of days ago that Willerby Primary School still has a couple of hundred children attending during the lockdown with one class having 30 children in it. That must make life very difficult for the teaching staff!

I am good. Plodding on is the best way I can describe it. Normally this time of year I would be in my Mediterranean villa or cruising the Caribbean on my yacht but we all have to make sacrifices ???.

Best wishes dear friend.

Keep smiling.

Stephen x 

Haha! Aye aye captain Stephen - Dream on!!

Mind you, as they say, anything is possible - who knows  who you might meet on your walks around the marina? If that fails, you could always be a stowaway haha!!

I truly hope that my time has come. I hope that yours has too but as we all know, it takes more than hope to recover from this addiction. Unfortunately, its hope that got me here in the first place. Hoping I would win!

I never win, when gambling I just stumble from one month to another, or rather from one pay cheque to another. I'm sick of stumbling. I want to walk again - with my head held high. The stupid thing is that I have had many gamble free months and even though I have never had the thoughts of gambling far from my mind, I have loved the feeling it has given me to be gamble free. Just to look in my bank account and not see any gambling withdrawals and to actually have some money left in it!! 

The joy it brings to walk around a shop and be able to treat myself or my family, even if it's just a bunch of flowers or a cream cake, nothing big, just something that gives joy. Even being able to buy myself a takeaway makes me happy. The times that I have lost money and thought, well I can't buy a takeaway because I lost £50 last night so that's my treat money gone. Madness and not the way I want to live. Mind you, it's when I build up a bit of money, that's when my addicted brain thinks, maybe I could use a bit of it and try to win something to make life a little better? Of course, we all know that it doesn't stop at a bit and before I know it my  savings have gone, I'm cursing, inwardly screaming and kicking myself for failing again! Did it make my life a little better - did it heck!! 

Ah well, back to the word hope. No I don't hope I'll succeed it's only when I say I will succeed and do everything in my power to make me, that's when I become closer to achieving my goal. I've just got to master how to keep the urges and false illusions that I might win at bay. I'm looking forward to that day!!! 

Stay safe and all good wishes, 

Lml x

Perfectly true Little Miss. We can hope until the cows come home but without the blocks in place and a good strategy we are facing an uphill struggle.

Not sure if you are aware that Gamcare are arranging for GamCare members to have Gamban installed on their devices free of charge. Just give them a ring if you are interested.

Another new development while you have been away is that some banks are giving customers the option to put a gambling freeze on their accounts. I am with Halifax and did it online in a couple of minutes.

Stephen x