Uphill struggle

Morning,

No offence has been taken or is intended but I will pick up on the point that it's easy enough for me to say. Yes and no. Ok, I don't have a compulsion to bet but I spent a long time on the receiving end of someone else's compulsion to indulge himself by donating eye watering sums of family money to BetOnAnythingYouLike.Com. And denying it and lying about it. That's shameful, what's wrong with me that I let it happen? What have I done to the children that I let their father steal from them? It's over a year on, things are better but partly because I do help myself. I attend regular counselling and GamAnon meetings where I introduce myself with the standard wording: My name is...and my husband is a CG. There's comfort to be had from this but also the recognition of what needs to change in me. Which is a whole lot less comfortable.

Of course the addiction will tell you all sorts of lines to stop you doing what needs to be done. You don't want to be seen...and if you do go it might limit the gambling.

There's nothing shameful about overcoming an addiction. The contrary, living in recovery is something to be proud of. But it does involve doing everything that it takes to address the addict mindset, starting with an open acknowledgement of the problem. Total honesty, starting with yourself is a cornerstone of recovery. In attending the counselling last time, did you complete the previous course and did you really engage with it, rather than parrot what the Counsellor wanted to hear? I would urge you to go again and in being there, you're not saying that you're an addict and ashamed, you're there to overcome it. Ditto GA meetings, it's an aspect of getting the support you need to overcome it.

Wish you well.

CW

Your doing great love...your thinking things through...your talking on here...your NOT gambling so.....keep doing what your doing x

Thanks loxxie and CW. Yes I did the full course of councilling through gamcare.
I stopped gambling for three months. I felt so much better in myself but to be fair it didn't take much to make me do it again once the councilling ended. Maybe it didn't help not having anyone to answer to? I obviously wasn't ready to stop just for me.
I thought I'd be OK all the usual cliches but a few weeks after I started gambling again and had fed back in a £1000 win plus extras I turned into a snivelling wreck again. All the old feelings of anxiety, despair and self hatred hit me again.
That's when I came on here. I'd visited the website before but had never written on it.
I was determined that I didn't want to live my life like this so I thought I'd have to put barriers in place which I have. I hadn't done before.
Don't let me put anybody off councilling. I got a lot from it and I'd recommend it to anyone.
I gambled off and on for a couple of months after councilling then I came on here.
Yes it's still difficult, especially when I have a quiet night, I just keep reminding myself how good it feels knowing I'm not having to wake up after yet another night of losing money.
It's so much better to feel like a human rather than a zombie!!
CW - I'm glad you say things seem to be getting better. Long may it continue for you. I'm not brilliant with words but there are many innocent people who get hurt along the way, i admire your strength x

Handing over cards, heading towards 50 days - you are doing very well.

Saddens me to read you write about decisions earlier in your life that have filled you with guilt and remorse that you feel you will never forgive yourself for (post #27).

Trying to manage those emotions might inadvertently help you with the gambling.

That's why I think another more open shot at the counselling might help you.

If you've tried it and really think it just isn't for you, then I respect that. GA certainly helps a lot of people but certainly isn't for everyone. Can appreciate that going into a room full of people would be too much at this stage; which is why I think counselling would be the better option for now.

You know you should worry less (we all worry a bit) about what people think; you know that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

You know what you should do, but can you do it?

If you do will it stop you gambling? I don't think you will know the answer to that until you deal with the underlying causes that make you worry and be critical of yourself.

How you deal with it is up to you.

Keep striving for the best possible life - don't settle for less.

Well done Little miss fifty!

Know how hard this is - great start.

Long way to go.

Stay strong.

Blessings

Glint

Yeh, I've made it!!!!!
Thanks for noticing glint, it's very kind of you. In fact it's thanks to all who have sent messages of encouragement over the last 50 days. This site has been invaluable to helping me stay gf.
I'm looking forward to continuing and having a brighter happier future.

Happy Hawaii Day

Knew you'd do it....
Keep going hun. ..
The futures yours....
X

Oh my, I've been looking at getting help from stepchange and I know they help lots of people but for me because of difficulties with my wages and what the outcome they say it will probably be, I don't want to go through with them.
I'm trying to make cut backs myself on my debts and one of them is I have just text my brother to ask if I can lower my payment which I give him each month against money I've borrowed off him in the past.
I've explained I've had councilling and I'm now determined to stop gambling but I'm struggling to pay back my debts.
He knew I'd borrowed ВЈ6000 in total off him 2 years ago to pay off gambling debts and hasn't mentioned it to me since. I've been paying him back £100 amonth direct debit.
I'm sat here feeling sick waiting for him to get back to me. I wanted to ask him to his face but failed to pluck up the courage every time I saw him.
I'm not sure how much of a shock this will be for him.
To think, getting caught up in gambling has brought me to this.

My brothers got back to me. Saying of course I can knock payment down.
He's put with it a lovely message which in my emotional state has had me blubbering.
I feel a bit daft for writing this on my diary earlier but I'd got myself into a state having to send the text and waiting for the reply. It's a big step having to admit to gambling and all the problems it brings.
Sometimes life can be so upsetting.
Hoping this is a positive step to help recovery.
Thanks diary for helping me on my way.

Heya hun thanks for posting on my diary I too know the feeling of waiting for a reply on texts we blurt out how we feel, put ourselves out there, and because we have little self worth feel like we won't or don't deserve anything back unfortunately for me I didn't get anything back and felt worse than I did before but I believe we find out who our true friends and family are when the chips are down! What a lovely brother u have that's such good news and less pressure for u my situation is similar step change couldn't help me either it's to do with being self employed and people on here have to realise what works for one doesn't work for another I'm still wondering if I will manage all my payments I think the worst one is bank charges!they have waived them so many times they won't help me now but I'm paying around £200 a month there is no one left I can borrow from so I'm Stuck with the cycle every month I hope bit by bit things will get better!x

Morning! I don't know if Stepchange and Payplan are exactly the same, but Payplan helped me. Have you seen that forum admin have arranged a live chat with them, later this week I think? Try to go on there and see what they say. I did contact Stepchange a couple of years ago, but found Payplan a lot 'warmer' if you know what I mean?! It's worth having a look I'd say, I was in a pretty dire state and was able to start sleeping properly and functioning like a normal human being almost immediately that I started talking to them.

Your brother sounds like a peach, I know exactly how you feel, especially the bursting into tears at an act of kindness. Please don't give up on getting help Little Miss Lost. You're doing so well on the gambling front at over 50 days, give yourself a break on the debt front, try to make the chat or even contact them direct.

Take care!

Twinks x

Hey hun
So glad the conversation went well with brother....I find the more I speak about my addiction....the better I feel....just goes to show ...open and honest is the way toward.....
Those days are mounting up now love....well done ..

Thanks for all the above messages.
Kind of you to mention the debt help twinks - thanks but I'll be at work when the live chat is on.
I'm trying to sort a few things out myself with regards to debts so hoping I won't need payplan but I'll bear them in mind.
To be honest all who I have spoken to at stepchange have been lovely.
I was at work till 1 today and then I've been out. Had a walk with a friend and a drink at a pub in what is probably the last of the summer sun. Gorgeous weather, feeling happier with myself.
Long may it continue!

Hey. ..you ok out there little miss x