Uphill struggle

Hi loxxie,
Yes I'm still here. Day 62.
Just been lying low a bit.
Still popping in on this site.
Still constantly having to tell myself that if I gamble again I won't win.
Sometimes it's difficult when you read aboit people having big wins.
My brain is still saying 'why don't you just have one last try. Raise the stakes, win big and withdraw.'
To tell you the truth loxxie, I'm getting a bit tired of having these thoughts so much.
I don't want them, but they're there. I'm still waking up in the morning, thinking of my situation and saying a silent prayer for strength.
I know it's up to me. I control my thoughts Only I can change them and i am trying. Mine is not a brilliant post to read so I apologise to any newbies reading.
I'll try to finish on positives.
It's a good feeling to look at my previous 2 months bank statements and not see any gambling withdrawals.
It's a good feeling knowing my last two months wages have gone towards paying my debts so that means my debts are going down - not by a lot - but still going down, which is in the right direction.
Bizzarly, it's a good feeling to not have pains in my right arm which I am now thinking could have been repetitive strain injury from pressing the start button on slot games. Has anyone else noticed this????
Thanks for thinking of me loxxie, it means a lot.
Hope you are well x

Great honest post miss...
I Understand and remember everything you've just said...
All I can say hun is...
That big win....even if it came in...wouldn't go to pay your debts....you'd play it through...and more....because that's what us compulsive gamblers do. ...so what's the point....
Those horrible urges....those ifs/buts about playing will lesson love.....it just all takes time...I sympathize with you saying you hate waking and feeling like this....imagine if you ran to the slots one night .....then you'd really feel like s**t the next morning.....keep busy. ...have you seem any of the short films about slot addiction on you tube....some good ones on there.....I found them quite usefull....up to you love....anyway....your doing so well....just keep poodling on....and stay strong...x

Thanks loxxie,
I watched a documentary on slots (it was on a few weeks ago maybe?) People were mentioning it on this site so I watched it on catch up.
I thought it was tragic, upsetting and pretty scary! I can't allow gambling to take over my life. I've got so many good reasons to kick it into touch and keep it there!
I'll have a look on you tube - thanks.
Take care x

Thanks for your kind words ...
I'm glad my dairy helps you a little...
Your doing so well hun. .66 days...
Keep doing what your doing...it's working x

Hi there yes I totally don't miss the achy arm thing after a bender he he I'm all over the place atm panic attacks not sleeping and that's nearly 4 months gf it's good for it all to come out but the guilt and even anger is overwhelming how can we as intelligent people do this to ourselves and our familys I drive past the bookies and see blokes with their kids playing at the front of the shop it's crazy and unreasonable bur once it takes hold it posses you ;so very sad you would never win because it's all not real just winning gives us more credits to keep on playing stay strong!dizzy x

Hi little miss lost,

Thank you so much for your lovely message of support. I really appreciate it. Great to read that you are staying strong. Have a wonderful, gambling free weekend.

Dave X

Hi miss
Thanks for popping over...I'm all good thanks...just busy !. .but that's great ..
Hubbies flight is this wednesday...
London not till end of November...so looking forward to that special time with daughters....
And all because I don't gamble !
Simple really isn't it....lol
We all know that's not quite how it is....but the longer were gamble free.....the better life gets....I'm hoping all's good with you love ...I've just not had the time to spend on here much lately...hope that doesnt sound selfish....it's just the way it is....I'm sure when the cold dark winter arrives I'll be curled up "talking for England ".lol
Stay safe....those days are getting nearer to 3 digits all the time...
X

Haven't written in my diary for a while cos I've nothing uplifting to say and I'm fed up of sounding miserable! I haven't today but I've just got to write.
I phoned my bank today to ask if I could extend my loan so I could pay smaller payments each month because I was struggling to pay. I explained about my gambling problems and how I was trying to sort my life/finances out
I told them I'd contacted step change and they'd said they wanted me to pay just £29 between my creditors (of which there are 5) for the next 40 years!
I told my bank I wanted to try to pay more and could they help me. I pay £128 a month for my loan with them.
I've just transferred a £2000 overdraft with them to an interest free credit card for over 30 months so in the long run that will save me money.
Their reply was because I've managed to pay my loan so far and I have an overdraft facility on my bank account I was OK and couldn't have any help.
I told them that surely if I use my overdraft that means I've no money!!
I explained I only have £100 at the end of the month to live on for food etc after all my debts/bills are paid and thats partly why I've had to use my overdraft and if I go with step change they'll get next to nothing they didn't move and just said as far as they were concerned I had money because of my overdraft facility.
Bonkers!!

Nothing uplifting to say?

What you talking about Little miss lost?

Well, don't worry about having nothing uplifting to write.

I'll do it for you.

You're on the threshold of 100 days!

That's cool.

You're taking positive action with the debt, honourably paying off as much as possible and importantly not adding to it.

See you posting about helping other people.

I know, overall you're probably not feeling much better than on day 1. That does sadden me. It will take time, the debts are going down, the days without gambling are going up, things are and will slowly continue to get better.

I'm not too clued up on the banking stuff. I accumulated so much debt the bank closed my account. Didn't even have a bank account for years, now have the most basic one available. I'm not trusted with an overdraft. Think my account is usually reserved for those 16 and under - managed to get the guy in the bank to pull some strings for me.

Sounds like you have a couple of options and tried to negotiate a third that's somewhere in between. Could you not increase the amount you pay to your creditors through StepChange? Probably be more flexible than the bank.

Never see you as miserable. Gambling addiction is tough, things aren't perfect as soon as we stop gambling - it's a long process.

You're on your way.

Here I am saying I've totally lost the plot. Been up all night on the slots. I had access to a d**n card. Proof i Can't be trusted
Feel utterly c**P again. Haven't had this desperate feeling for months.
Went on it the other day, won quite a bit and now I've put half of the winnings back. I was going to do so much with it but no I have to repeat history. I'll never learn.
I'm sorry to everyone who has encouraged me.
I did stay gamble free for 87 days then totally lost the plot.
Nobody has to reply because the way I'm feeling I won't be writing on the site again.
How can I try to help other people on their diaries when I can't help myself?
Back to feeling sick, hating myself , future looks bleak. I'm just a hopeless case.
Sorry if any of this offends. I don't intend to, just feel so upset with myself.
Good luck to all who are fighting so well.

LML

Never give up on giving up.

Yes you screwed up but you can sort it out. You've seen where you have gone wrong, black the access to the card, get some support from family, gamcare and GA.

Don't run away from here this is the time you need here the most. You got to 87 days let's make it at least 187 days this time You're not the first to slip up and you won't be the last. It's now about what you do from here.

I'll finish the same way I started.

Never give up on giving up.

KTF

Hey miss...
It happens...no need to apologise to any of us here....remember...we don't judge each other....we support each other...you've come straight back here and told us what happenend so now you carry on again.....close that final door and ditch that card.....ok...you feel like s**t today but look at the days you felt so good. ...the days you didn't gamble.....you can do it again hun. ....and you'll be stronger .....keep coming here....keep fighting....xx

Feeling terrible.
I'm going out with my daughters and baby grandson today. I've been looking forward to it all week.
I've had one hours sleep. I feel shaky and a mess..
Call myself a mother? I need my head examining.
I've got friends coming round tonight. Don't want them to come now. Don't want to socialise, face people. All the usual crappy feelings back with a vengeance.
Why do I do this? Why am I so flipping weak?
You say I can try again, don't give up. In the meantime I've got to live with more remorse, more guilt. Know that I'm weak.
How am I going to get my head round this? Know that I've been so stupid yet try to enjoy the day ahead.
Here I go again, whine , whine flipping whine. All self- inflicted.
This is my life x

Yes....it is your life love...
And yes....you feel like P**P today...but remember how good you felt last week....you CAN feel like that again...and you will...if you change something....shut the door completely. ...get rid of that last card.. do whatever it takes love.....
As for today....put your face on and get out with your children and enjoy them....don't let your addiction keep you from them...
Beating yourself up about your relapse will do no good...
Learn from it...put those awfull feelings that a relapse brings in a little box in your head....you can't do anything to rewind the last few days love....you can do things to stop it happening again... and that's what matters....
Come on....coffee... shower...face on....and fight xxxxx

HI, come on pick yourself up and start again, it's a blip don't let it ruin your day and future , you have proved you can do this , keep coming on here when you feel the urge or make yourself busy. It serves no purpose and won't help by keep beating yourself up, you will just feel more depressed. Remember the good times you had whilst not gf. Best wishes, stay strong, and today is the first day of the rest of your life x x