Uphill struggle

Sorry meant not gambling x

Up and showered. So difficult knowing that yesterday I had some money which I should have used to make my life easier.
Then Zombie mode takes over.
I'm not making excuses. Greed, hoping to make things even better. Stupidity.
Yes I've got to get on with it. Dust myself down and as you say loxxie put it away in a box in my head.
I've got more boxes in there than Noel has on deal or no deal!!
Thanks everyone for your support.
52 years old and I still feel I need to grow up. Never imagined I'd be in this position but I am and I have to get on with it. x

Good to hear miss. ..
And I know exactly what you mean ...we're the same age love...so yes...maybe we should have known better .. but we didn't set out to become addicts. ...but we've recognised that we are.... So that's improvement .....
Those boxes in your head can be used usefully love....if an urge strikes....take a peek inside to remind you of the vile place those slots take you to....
Go enjoy your day....
Yesterday's gone...
Tommorrows not promised..
It's today that matters
Xx

Hope you had a nice day with the family x

Hi Little Miss Lost just dropping by to wish you well. I'm 50 a week Tuesday so we are nearly same age. You hit a nerve with me when you said you had to grow up I feel like that too hun ashamed with myself at my age when I should know better but it's an addiction and it can strike anyone at any age especially as in our age group we started the destruction later in life due to no internet when we were young lol sometimes I wish it had never been invented. Best of wishes hun keep strong and stay safe Lu x

Thanks for all of your kind messages.
I ended up having a lovely day yesterday. Out and about, then a meal. My girls said I looked tired - yep! Did I spill the beans and tell them about my addiction? - nope. I still kept it locked away, pounding to get out of that box. i still can't admit to them. I just don't want to add being an addict onto my list of failures. As I've said previously I've had 'labels' attached to me in my lifetime. I just can't face having another one put on me.
Does that make me a coward, bad person , fool??? After all, I've to face facts - I am that person.
Stupid thing is, I came out winning on my relapse but I feel absolutely terrible. Partly because I was stupid and gave half of my winnings back a couple of days later (now I've to face my friend who I'd told I'd won to, she'll be asking me which credit card I paid off and told me in no uncertain terms that I was a fool for going on again! - I know, I know!!) And it scares me that I'll never be free from this evil.
Sorry, my head's a bit of a shed but I'm OK. Just need a few days to help close the gaping hole I feel I have in my heart. The one that tells me I've let my family/friends down yet again and above all else myself.
Problem is, even when I don't gamble I don't have any money. Life just seems to be one big struggle.

Just re-read my last post.
I hate the fact that I seem to be all doom and gloom.
I had even sent an email to the samaritans to spare you all having to read about me bleating on!
I know I've to change my mindset. I can work that out for myself.
I've said before I'm lucky because yes, like many people, I have many problems (mainly caused through money) in my life but I also have many positives the main ones being my family/friends and reasonably good health.
I've got to pick myself up and start again.

Just re-read my last post.
I hate the fact that I seem to be all doom and gloom.
I had even sent an email to the samaritans to spare you all having to read about me bleating on!
I know I've to change my mindset. I can work that out for myself.
I've said before I'm lucky because yes, like many people, I have many problems (mainly caused through money) in my life but I also have many positives the main ones being my family/friends and reasonably good health.
I've got to pick myself up and start again.

Its ok to be sad. Use the diary to express how you feel and your thoughts. You are important.

Hi LmL , It takes a little time to see light at the end of the tunnel but you do have to sit sometimes and reflect on the positives you have in your life , instead of dwelling on the negatives , there's hardly anyone on here who's not been affected financially as a result of what weve done while in the *** of this addiction of ours and all thiose feelings of guilt, anger and that feeling of what have I done or how could I have been so stupid stay with us for a while initially , it will get better and once accepted you'll get to like yourself a little better and begin to forgive , were all human and as such we all make mistakes in life and this is just one of them but being human gifts us the opportunity to also learn from those mistakes and at the end of the day it's just money and that comes and goes throughout our lives , it's a means to an end and nothing more and all debt's can be repaid over time however long that takes .

Don't beat yourself up as it won't aid your recovery , whats done is done so time to draw that line and move on , keep ranting on here if you find it helps , it's not just for the good times which will return in time and I've alway's found venting to be very theraputic :)).

Be proud in yourself for addressing your addiction and actively doing something about it but remember to look after you too !!

Alan x

Hi lml really feel for you I understand the really low feelings hope your bit better now I don't mind you 'ranting' just let off steam on my thread if you want I really do understand x Lu x

Had money in my bank. So very rare not to be in my overdraft. How do I explain how bad I feel because I put a lot of that money back on the slots?
I could cry, rant, scream and shout at myself. Call myself all the stupid names under the sun yet i also feel numb by it all. Tired of having it going through my head time and time again.
Tired of having to consciously think, what's done is done, move on, draw a line.
I can't change what's happened so stop beating myself up, move on. Be resposible, break the triangle.
Yet to be perfectly honest I'm still thinking just try another hundred, I might win and be able to put something back then I won't feel so bad - listen to me . . . I could scream at myself!!!!
The most likely scenario is I won't win. I know that, then I'll feel even worse, want to hide away and scream even louder. Wallow in self flipping pity.
I write this down and think what cynical wife would be thinking if she reads it. I'm sorry cw I know I need a good slap!! I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and think of others around me who I'm probably affecting.
But this is how I feel at the moment. I know miracles don't happen so I'll just have to hope I manage to get my head sorted soon and get back in the real world.

Never mind CW, I'm screaming @ you! I've been there, that other hundred that you want to risk won't just be another hundred...Win today, lose tomorrow. Financial gain doesn't give you your self respect back, make you happy again, it just keeps you in the action longer.

Breaking the triangle is the easy bit, getting past this is a whole other ball game! All addiction is giving you is hell, another excuse for you to prove to the world what a loser you are...You're not! But, as you know, there is no magic wand 🙁 Either you step up & take responsibility for this madness inside of us, doing everything you can to close doors or it eats you up from the inside out. Get that money out of your account, speak to the internet provider again (I thought they'd blocked all your over 18 sites), download blocking software, reconsider GA, see if you can get another round of counselling, get to your GP & don't give a second's thought to people here not wanting to hear you wallow on! This is your diary, if people don't like it, they should stay away. By all means contact the Samaritans if you feel like you need to but if you just want to write, get it down here, let people know how harmful this addiction is.

Keep fighting LML, there is a way through - ODAAT

Sometimes you get knocked down lower than you have ever been. To stand up taller than you ever were

Hey....come on...you know what you got to do....
Doesn't matter what anybody else says.....it's about you love....
It's your life....your choices....
And well done for coming back here and fessing up....a lot don't !
That tells me that you do want to fight this addiction....x