Uphill struggle

Odaat, scream away. That self-respect statement strikes a chord.
I don't care what anyone says, even if you do want gambling out of your life it's so flipping hard to stop - it is for me anyway. When you're in deep it's a nightmare.
You're right, it eats away from the inside out.
Thanks for saying I can put anything I want in my diary. It is a release to put things down in writing and when people like the above respond it does help.
I am conscious of not wanting to offend people or put things in which puts newbies to the site off, make them think there's no hope.
There is hope. There are lots of success stories giving inspiration.
Deano, I want to stand tall. I go to work and see people brimming with self-confidence. I look at them and think 'how do they do that?' 'How come they're so full of confidence?' I do a similar job yet I just pull myself down all the time. I'm my own worse enemy.
By the way odaat, i blocked over 18 sites but had to unblock them because I couldn't get on my work account from which I have to download jobs.
I do see so many people come on this site then they disappear. Does that mean they've gone back to gambling? So so sad. So many people trapped in this world.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. This year, since January i have gambled for around 6 weeks in total. That's a massive improvement from last year.
Christmas time I was an absolute wreck. I'm not as bad as then. I have improved, I've just got to keep battling.
I've been spending too much time on here etc all because of my gambling. My house has suffered, my health has suffered. People wonder why. I just look at the hours I've wasted. I want to get out of this cycle. Have energy for other things. Live a life, a life where I have self-respect.

Hey come on chin up, you had a relapse, your not the first and your not going to be the last, I think you need to start to like yourself again and the only way to do that is to stop the gambling. You have proved you can do it, you also need to realise that th money has gone now and you will never recover those losses through gambling. Best wishes x

Hi lil miss lost,

Had a lil catch up with your diary and wanted to drop by with my support. Take it or leave it, I'm here to voice my feelings seeing that you go through very similar ones.

Right, Samaritans. Keep reaching out! There is no end in support network! Before i found this site i was on the phone to them, on the text to them and also on emails! Doesn't matter that different person picks your thoughts up, they all follow the converse and trying to help ☺. They helped me greatly in the hour of despair and i will be forever thankful for their support.
Diary. Spit all the poison out. Better out than in and that's the proven fact! C'mon, this place is not to fly with fairies! It's true life, true feelings, true fights and true emotions! Get them out, it will help you to ease the load. We have all been in the same place & you know what - we can get bk there at any given time! This is addiction and even if we clap along like seals sometimes, we must remember how serious this beast is. Just like that - hit you, stamp on you and destroy you.

Slips. Learn from them! They do happen (ok, maybe not for everyone but quite few of us). If i would think I'm cured after few months g free - i would fool myself..even a year or two or three...this addiction is sneaky and we MUST keep on top of the game...forever!
All i am trying to say is let time heal your wounds. Things will get easier but my dear friend you need to put some work into it also. Mainly self care. That's where it starts - from within! Try and distract yourself on "dangerous" hours of the day. Take time to stop in your tracks and think about "next move" again. That's all you need to do.
I know that going for a walk, cooking or having a bath when urges strikes is reall challenge...however, give that space for yourself to think again...urges passes, time is really important here ☺

Losses. Let them go. It keeps your mind trapped. We simply cannot win as we cannot stop! Stop..suffer the pain, keep walking through fire. That's the only way to put losses in the back burner. Again, not easy but ...again - time!
As you have noticed time is something very important here.

For now, just concentrate on you and today, that's all you need to do. Let the fog lift and the more options of getting help will be more clearer. You must get help & i know this might sound daunting, don't fear it - it's gonna help you to set yourself free. You simply cannot do it by yourself!

Conclusion. Be kind to you, reach out, keep spitting, think twice, give yourself time to recover mentally & financially.

You're doing great, believe me...falling hurts, standing bk up might drag but the end result is the peace and clarity you get ☺..priceless & ya know - YOU're WORTH IT!!!

Kind of said what i wanted to say ☺..ball in ur court

S x

Hi miss lost
I felt every word you said in your latest post ,In my case it's been very hard for me understand the why,s and what for's of gambling , i used to question the hold it has on me , I wanted to be able to control my gambling because I really really enjoyed it . It's taken a long time, alot of upset , money and pain but I have now realised the only way i can control my gambling is to STOP . I used to lie to myself at first ,I didn't use all the support i could, I never went the whole 9 yards with the blocks , missed councilling appointments (I did this because I think it scared me to stop really ). I messed up a few weeks ago and blew nearly £1000 over a few days. I cannot describe how I felt , but one breif thought scared me so much I was literally sick . I lost hope and for the briefest of moments thought about ending it all . I have never before had this strange feeling I was sat on my bed at 3:00 am surrounded in coffee cups crying in front of my I pad .
I was ruined this was my lowest point ..
I'm not sure if this is the time I will beatthis addiction but the next day I did everything I could to make sure I cannot gamble .
I told the person who I felt most uncomfotable telling. I cut all my cards up ,cancelled accounts , sold my I pad , removed the secure code in my debit card (I don't know it) I can't purchase online (the bank will put this in place ) So far so good . I'm just getting my head back together things are getting clearer the more days I stay gamble free the less I want to do it .
I still feel like the lowest human being on earth ,but the thought of the feelings I had that night two weeks keeps me going . NEVER AGAIN do I want feel like giving up. Ruin can be good sometimes as it gives us all a chance to rebuild ourselves .
Like anything in life respect is earned each day gamble free is a step to earning this . I know you deserve respect , but I don't know if I do . That's some thing I too need to work on . Councilling this morning. o*g! It's full of men but I'm making myself go .
Step out of what's comfortable it builds confidence, I was so scared last week I can't believe I went .
Keep your chin up and the best advice for sure is get as much support as you can and place as many blocks as possible.
Lesley xx

Hi LML , Your absolutetly right " Gambling is so flippin hard to stop " I mirror Lesley's comment above , I gambled for over 35 yrs and loved it , even at my darkest time it would still call me and I willingly come running and that's the madness of this addiction , it gives us the things we want in life , Excitement , a sense of belonging , reward when we win and a drive to achieve again when we dont win , even the danger of getting caught all adds to the drug we choose and that's just utter madness . It promises so much but never delivers what we think we need , instead it will take our money , our assets , our self respect and very nearly in my case our life , it wants what you have and will deviuosly plan to take it from you when and however it chooses , yet we still return , time and again .

Youv'e heard all the phrases and cliches but the only true words I can offer is that the cycle of self destruction will not stop until you do , simple words but true words . I havent had abet for over 13 months and those first few were thje most difficult and challenging ones of my life , every day for 35 yrs I'd lived, eaten , breathed and slept with gambling the biggest thing in my life , nobody was aware of my secret as I hid it well , they just thought that I liked the odd £1 here and there in the bookies andf what was wrong with that , yet my life was a complete sham , a place full of lies and deceit and the worst of the deceit came from inside because I believed the bull,S****e I was telling myself while I justified what I'd become and what I was doing to those around me .

I came back from that brink when I attended my daughters 30th birthday party after having just googled " Painless ways to die " I just couldn't imagine letting those I supposedly loved finding out what I really was . As soon as I opened up to others that mattered it was the turning point that meant I could leave gambling behind as it no longer had a place to hide and blackmail me into doing as it demanded .

You are more than capable of doing what you need to do to beat this addiction but you have to look on it as a battle for which you need proper preperation , all those doors where it can get back in fully closed and bolted shut and Honesty is one of the biggest tools you'll have in your armoury , be honest with thiose around you , those that can support you in a time of need , were all human and all make mistakes it's just what it is , were designed that way but were also designed to learn from our mistakes , to adapt and to overcome situations , be honest with yourself by addmiting gambling has you beat and instead of keep getting back in the ring with it beating you to a pulp everyday , you'll accept the defeat and the losses youv'e had along the way and stop taking on something you will never win against .

There is a much better way of life wating for you out there it's got it's hand out waiting for you to grab hold and walk away from whats troubling you , you just have to stretch a bit further to *** it sometimes :))

With lot's of love and hug's Alan , Compulsive gambler

xx

Oh my, all the above posts. You've all taken so much time and shared so much. I want you to know that the time taken has not been in vain.
I've had yet another 'bad' night.
Heavy losses.
Eventually went to sleep kidding myself thinking ' thats ok' I'm glad I've lost because now I really want to stop.
Wake up feeling dreadful. I used money as though it was tissue paper.
In my darkest hour i thought I can do this. I'll turn the page. Start a new chapter. Turn my life around. I won't go on gamcare. I don't want to read about gambling, I want to completely forget about it but I know it's all bluff. What i
I really felt was so alone, now I've come on here (just to write, get things out off my chest!) And what I found are such kind caring people who more importantly have been where I am now. Telling me exactly how it is. Making me see sense, when there seems to be no sense at all.
I'll try not to beat myself up. Tell myself I am worthy and say I can do this. Give myself a hug and get through these first few days.
Put all the money I lost in that box in my head. I really can't think about it. It makes me feel physically sick. Pray that I come out the other side stronger.

I feel so ashamed and upset with myself. Last week I had money that gave me a chance to get back on track, yes I still had large debts but they would be a lot easier to manage. I was so happy with myself,went into shops, could actually buy a few things so then why have I thrown it all away??????
How I'm going to get my head round knowing ive thrown it away I don't know. How am i going to rid myself of these feelings of guilt?
I'm sorry I'm going on but I really need help.
I've now got to go to a Sunday job that I hate but I have to do it to pay all the debt I've got myself in over the years. This is not the life I want. I'm such a mess.

I know blocks are the answer. Just read another post which said you can ask bank to block gambling transactions. Mine didn't offer this when I rung them saying I was having difficulties. I'll ring again.
I need Internet on my phone for work. Wish I didn't. I'd love to have an Internet free phone, would miss it immensely but just to know I can't get on any sites would be great. I'm going to have to seriously block all possibilities of gambling - I know, I know it's all been said to me before. I did hand my cards over and couldn't gamble but stupidly got credit card to transfer overdraft.
It's all my own doing. I want out. I want to come home and not think about gambling because I know I can't.

Hey miss...
Blocks alone won't do it !
They do serve to make it harder to gamble....but as you've found out love.....you can always get around them...if you want to !
There's no magical answer to make quitting easier....
Yes.....I've got my bb blocked to gambling sites....and I've permanently excluded from the sites I played on.....but I suppose if I really wanted to I could find away round it all....
But I don't want to miss....
Why would I ?
It ruined my life for several years...and I've only got to take a peep in that box in my head to remind me of the s**t gambling caused....
I totally respect how hard the early weeks are....but it's a case of some how pushing through the c**P....to get to the better place of not gambling.....
Not impossible. ...not easy....not fun to be where you are now. ....
Nothing bad will happen if you don't gamble......
Nothing good will happen if you do !
It's just down to choice...
Good luck hun...x

Sorry to hear that you've had a bad time of it.

It's not my place to scream at you or to set your standards for you. You act as you choose to act.

Recovery is about you doing recovery by yourself, for yourself. With support, but ultimately by you. To misquote Duncan, recovery is your gift to yourself.

You have to take ownership of your own choices, GA say that the change in personality that their members try to bring about in themselves includes growing up. It's not just that, it's also about facing up to the problems that you want to try to medicate with gambling.

The choice to keep an blocked or unblocked mobile, parental controls or none, access to money or none, counselling or none, meetings or none, these are the choices that you make that will determine whether or not you achieve recovery.

Not easy but doable and a gf life is the reward, the gift to yourself.

Wish you well,

CW

Feeling a bit better with myself today. It's amazing how you can go from the depths of despair to feeling not too bad. Had a good sleep last night unlike the previous night.
I hope my head stays like this although it Г¬s a bit of a dreamworld scenario.
Shutting out the losses, I guess it's happened so many times you get used to it. Only this time it involved larger amounts of money.
These are the days where the days previously you hurt so badly that you feel you really don't want to go there again.
Today I feel like I can survive this nightmare.

Spoke to a credit card company. Explained my situation. Lady was so kind. They've agreed to knock my monthly payment down by £70. Just needed to tell her all my income and expenditures.
Also spoke to my bank again. I'm having to send a copy of my step change email for them to review my loan repayments. Hopefully will be able to get help with them.
Yes it will affect my credit ratings but it will hopefully mean I can have enough money at the end of the month to be able to feel like I can have a life. At the moment I'm left with nothing.
Every little helps.

Hi LML , Good to see you making positive moves towards sorting things out , I was the same and I would imagine we all go through a period of sorting out the carnage we leave in our wake , things have to be faced up to but at least by being proactive they'll be more on your terms :))

Our debt's are with us for a while and maybe that's a good thing sometimes as it serves as a bit of a reminder not to go back there again ? and as recovery's for life what's the rush ? as long as it's doable for you and means you can manage at the end of each month that's what's important ,

Nice to see a more positive post coming from you :))

Take care ....Alan

Thanks for staying with me Alan and all who've posted to me lately.
Feeling brighter today. I know I've messed my credit rating up and I'll try not to think about how long it will take to pay my debts off now I'm paying lower monthly payments but if I could have enough money at the end of the month to live off and hopefully be able to get a few treats then I'll take that over what I've got now, anyday.

2 positive posts in a row , good for you girl , put up a fight and show gambling who's boss :)) xx