Weakness or Will Power.

Hello everyone, my name is Kav, obviously that's not my real name but that's what I'd like to be called, mainly to remain anonymous but also out of shame.

I have named the title of my diary Weakness or Will Power, simply because I always, always give in to the weakness that is within myself when it comes to gambling, and, I'm trying to draw from my will power, my literally non existent, will power.

Before anyone starts reading this I first want you to know that I don't really want to hold back any information unless it is extremely sensitive as I feel this is the only way I'm going to be able to defeat this, to defeat these demons that constantly restrict and hold me back from being who I am and what I want to be, the demons that don't give me a chance anytime of the day and that are always there in my head, this, this is my way of finally fighting back and I hope you can all understand, I also want to apologise for the length of each post but it is literally the only thing I have at the moment which is helping me occupy my mind and I intend on posting everyday at least once.

I joined this site back in 2015 but haven't really paid attention to it until now, that's because I pretty much lived in denial that I had a gambling problem, it's only now that I've actually realised that if I carry on the way I am, that I will lose everything, not in a gambling sense, but I mean I will literally lose everything, my family, my fiancГ©, my job, my health, everything.

I can pinpoint the day it all began, I was out in town with some friends having a drink and put a couple of quid in a bandit, I didn't have a clue what I was doing and ended up pressing cash or bust and hit the jackpot, I remember the feeling, the adrenaline, the fact I'd just won and could have an even better night that I had planned, and, that's where it all stemmed from, from bandits in pubs to bets in bookies, then in casinos playing poker, roulette and blackjack to more online gaming sites than I even knew existed.

Everything just went from bad to worse, yes, I won't lie, there was some highs some incredible highs and the feeling was amazing and I would describe my successes over and over again to people, but ultimately I have tried to stop that now as to not remind myself of those feelings, because the feeling of everything coming crashing down around you is indescribable.

I have found that almost, not every, but almost every bad decision I have made in my life has purely been down to gambling, every fight I have been in wether it be physical or verbal has 9/10 times been the direct result of gambling and losing and getting angry at somebody who has not deserved to be the target of my aggression in the slightest, but I reach out to the nearest person I can to blame and it's never their fault but only mine, yet I never see that until it's too late.

I want to stop lying to the people I love in order to get my fix, stop lying to my parents or fiancГ© to get more money for what they think is for shopping, a bill or something good, when it's actually for a slot and I end up wanting more and more until it results in despair and resent.

I have removed myself and/or lifetime (or for as long as allowed) banned myself from 100% (to my knowledge) online sites and avoid bookies and arcades as much as I possibly can, but everything sets me off, I've been literally next to tears writing this as when I was writing it a few adverts came on the TV to do with gambling sites, making me feel so weak, I'm really struggling more than the people around me actually realise, but I really am trying hard.

I believe this isn't a place where somebody can just say to you "man up" or "get it together" but as a place where it is recognised as an actual illness and just like a heroin addict being allowed methadone I have allowed myself £5 each weekend for a football bet, which may be completely counter productive I know and I am sincerely sorry to anyone who finds me doing this offensive as I don't want to ruin their process of how to deal with this in their own way, but I am just not strong enough yet to completely give it up, I don't have the will power, I can't stress enough how hard I am finding this and giving myself £5 each Saturday is actually keeping me going at the moment, giving me just a little something and the saddest part of it is knowing that at this moment in my life this is actually the only thing I am looking forward to week in and week out and this is only the first week, if people could help with ideas or anything I would appreciate it more than you know but at the moment I feel so alone this is the only thing I have been able to do to convince myself to even come on here, post this and get help.

This may not be believable but I have been writing this for almost 4 hours, trying to get as much as I can out and I don't even feel like I have said anything, I don't feel like I've said anything at all, I mean I've just been writing this on a blank space on the internet.

I'll just leave it at that for now and like I said will try post at least once a day, I hope everybody else out there struggling with this is doing okay and drawing from their will power, even if it might not feel like it is there, it is, believe me, you wouldn't understand how deep I had to dig to post this and believe me, I will keep digging.

Kav

24/01/18