why,why,why!!!!!!!

Hi Tee Jay,

Ty and same to you xxx

Brutus xxx

Day 4

No mishaps today, although been at work 13hrs. So no access but thankfully and surprisingly no inclination.

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Hi Brutus

Well done on day 4 keep going and keep trying and keep positive it's the only way to go in the end

Take care

Suzanne xx

Day 5

13hr shift over so no chance to gamble, bit of a downer today got a court letter yesterday, then made me realise how bad I have let this become and at this precise moment, I am sorry to say, I really really can't see this will ever get sorted. Need financial advice and have a day off tomorrow so must try and sort somehow

WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Hi Brutus

I know how you feel, but it really is all sortable, give the debt advice line a call. I emailed them about my debt and they sent me loads of info about what my options were and how they could help.

These early days of recovery are the darkest, these are the days when we will have to face up to what our addiction has done and the devastation it leaves behind but we must take each day as it comes and what it brings. As long as we stay strong and don't ever go back.

Sending you as many positive thoughts as I can 🙂

Tee jay x

Day 6

I feel as down as a person can feel. I don't think I feel sorry for myself but regret, anger and annoyance at myself for just how much I have let down my family. Could't gamble if I wanted as no money now. What a state to be in.

My thoughts when gambling were "if I win I can sort things" . But I never win as I never stop.

My daughter has just come in she is 19 vibrant, intelligent and has no idea who her mother really is.

I just feel totally ashamed and this makes me withdraw.

My other daughter has just come in saying "hi and she loves me". Why does she cos I have ruined her future.

Sorry this is too self loathing orientated so will sign off for a bit.

Not sure what decisions I will make at the present time,

Day 7

Feeling mildly better today. Lets hope it stays that way. Am using distraction therapy, that and the fact when I looked properly I have neglected my household chores a bit.

Did some thinking last night about this addiction of mine and also that has made me feel I have to stop as have almost totally withdrawn from life.

I am now looking at it one day at a time. I may be over 50 but could still get finances back to some level ground.

I have a huge decision to make as am now considering leaving OH as think he can be my trigger. I know I could do other things and its my choice to gamble but we do all have triggers. Never had any debt til I met him, initially for the first few years he never paid anything towards home/family now he moans that he cant spend 250 at a beer fest and he still keeps all his money.

I should have done it years ago and that is down to my burying my head in the sand and cowardice.

I know that will not take the addiction away as that is mine and my own fault.

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Hi Brutus

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today, I think it is good that you are looking into your life and trying to see where it can be sorted. I think this is the biggest part of recovery. I know I have been doing the same with mine at the moment.

Stay strong and take each day as it comes

Tee jay x

Hi Brutus

One week gambling free well done

It's good to read that you are sorting all the s**t that gambling rewards us with but as CG we tend to be very impatient and want results yesterday take one day at a Time with everything don't rush into anything else that may be negative at this time you need to push positives through and one week gambling free is definitely a big positive

We have to walk before we can run if that makes sense

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

Ty for support and very true word's,

Really my mind is all over the place with good and bad thoughts will not make any rash decisions, but did think a clean break and a fresh start would help, but that was this morning and I change so quickly at the moment. Up/down , sad/ happy, scared /relieved its all the emotions.

Would help my finances too and could start again but would never afford a mortgage nor would I get one

My name is Cheryl

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Hi Cheryl

Feelings will be all over the place I find every day I feel different that's why I call this journey a roller coaster ride hang on tight ride through the lows and embrace the highs this does give us positive thoughts

You are doing great

Suzanne xx

Can't sleep feelings all over the place and not sure which way to turn. Don't even know why but feel like S*t. Realisation I think has hit home of the magnitude of my gambling and how much I have lost and not just the financial side, but my integrity and self worth.

Really do want to beat this but my resolve is waining although my stubbornness is trying to take over.

I really want to sleep but every time I close my eyes a thought jumps into my head and wham am wide awake again.

Sorry this is a bit maudlin just attempting to be honest.

Have been reading up about bankruptcy which was scary also maybe just selling up and renting.

Not sure how easy it is to rent with poor credit so that's next thing to look into.

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Hi Cheryl

I have just read your diary and wanted to share my journey a little, in the hope that some of it might help you. I admit that I only read your parts and not the responses, in order to save time, so I apologise if I repeat the advice of others.

I wanted to begin by saying that I am 53 and gave up gambling just over a year ago and I cannot put into words the massive improvement in my life that this has brought about, for me , my partner and our two daughters. It wasn't easy and without putting barriers in place, it would not have been possible, but having experienced the benefits and put the hard times behind me, the rest , for me, is easy.

It has helped me to treat my gambling as an addiction and I believe that this helped me to understand and cope better. It explained the withdrawal process, with it's mood swings, mixed emotions and lack of clarity. It explained the dangerous and uncontrollable urges that I could only overcome because of certain barriers. It also helped me understand the need to retrain my brain and open it to new and healthier stimuli and activities.

I have been involved in GA for most of that time, but I do not share the GA ethos. What it gave me, however, was a group of friends who understood me and who I understood and our weekly meetings gave me the motivation to research the psychology of gambling and psychology in general. If you are interested I have some good links to articles and videos that I and the group found informative and useful.

I will follow your progress with interest and would like to say that at your stage in the journey every day without gambling is a huge achievement. It may not seem it, but looking back, I know that it is true. Please give yourself the credit you deserve and don't concentrate on the negatives, they are too easy to find.

Some of us may have done some pretty awful things while caught up in the throes of our addiction, that does not define us a person. What defines us is what we do today and tomorrow and we all have the right to make mistakes. In my years I have come across some pretty frightful, obnoxious, dishonest, uncharitable and toxic people who have these traits as part of their inherent personality rather than as a by-product of something that started as a harmless pastime.

No one ever built a grand palace without laying the foundations first and that is what you are doing now and where you will end up. I wish you all the best and all the strength that you need to find the real you again.

Ken

Hi. Cheryl

Stubbornness and determination positive words take one hour at a time if need be to keep thoughts at bay you are doing really well keep going forwards and stay strong and win today

You will not win because you will not stop so win big today by simply not playing

Suzanne x

Hi Cheryl

Sending positive thoughts your way. This journey will not be an easy one but take one day at a time.

Stay strong and keep posting

Best wishes

Teejay x