why,why,why!!!!!!!

Day 51

My resolve is strong today as I have astrong person walking with me, my friend Suzanne. Who has helped me so much and given me strength in my difficult times. You truly are an amazing lady.
No thoughts today and I slept quite well so feel refreshed.
Have to move forwards, so onwards and upwards

Cheryl xxx

Hi Cheryl,

Your post has made me feel quite humble, I am sooo pleased I have been of some help to you. And sooo very pleased you are feeling stronger and in the mindset to kick that addiction into oblivion.

Making the right choice every day, can only be good for us, because it does make us move forwards, onwards and upwards every single day.

Always walking along side of you my friend ,

Have a good gambling free day.

Suzanne xxxx

Day 52

Read through my diary and realise although I can be strong I am ultimately weak. All the good advice on here was tremendous, but I have continually ignored it and gone back to gambling at each pay day. Still think I may win big, nothing worse than an old fool.
But have now gone past 1 pay day with strength and now want to keep 2015 as my year being gamble free.
I still have thoughts but have completely closed all access to on line sites and have no access to money, so finally I have learnt from this wonderful site.
I too feel humbled Suzanne as you and Triangle have continued to support me despite my frequent relapses.
This will be a hard year sorting finances but it, I pray, with determination and resolve on my part will be a gamble free year.
I will take it one day at a time and keep myself on high alert for urges.
Onwards and upwards
Cheryl xxx

Morning Cheryl,

Some days I feel quite bemused, because if I read back through my diary, I am contradicting myself right left and centre, everyday I feel different, didn't like the rollercoaster of different moods swings a while back, because I thought I was not being true to myself or my diary, but of course I was, I was being totally honest with how I felt every day, whether it be happy one day, sad and depressed the next that is truly how I felt,feel, I won't feel guilty about my feelings and moods changing like the weather anymore, in a way it's quite amusing, to know what I write today may be totally the opposite tomorrow. all part of recovery I guess.

You are doing really great you have past the 50 mark, and payday, those urges lesson as the days build up, each day you will feel stronger, yes they will continue to lurk in the background, but you have and can continue to not act on those negative thoughts.

Very proud of you Cheryl, by taking one day at a time, you do win every day, because you have not lost anymore of your life, sanity and money, our debts will go down even if it's very slowly, but they sure won't increase.

Have a good gambling free day my friend

Suzannexxx

Day 53

First day back at work, 1 month off and back on a 12hr shift. So tired am off to bed and no thoughts of gambling

Cheryl xxx

Hi Cheryl,

Straight back to 12 hour shifts OUCH. You will feel shattered.

54 days today my friend and no gambling thoughts, you are doing simply great.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

55 days today,well done, hope work is not working you too hard.

Take care, stay strong and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Day 58

Still about just very shattered. Had eldest plus fiancГ© over on Sunday otherwise just slept
Cheryl xxx

Great going Cheryl, 58 days, gamble free,

Suzanne xx

Still here plodding on
Cheryl x

Good, plodding is a very good word lol. And to see 61 days are fantastic numbers.my friend.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Xxx

Day 64
Should feel good but having one of those "w*f have I done times ", hence little posting as even this feels like a chore. Plus night duty taking me off the radar.
I so want to begin to feel positive again but I need a big fat kick up the jacksie. I should feel proud but I don't. I just despise myself and feel I have no right to live at present.
Even more than any of this I feel sorrow for all that I have inflicted upon those innocents also wrapped up in this, my family.They don't deserve any of this and I don't deserve them.
I HATE what I have allowed this to do to me and that I and I alone have let this happen.
Sorry it's so maudlin but need to get it out somewhere as it's eating away.
C x

Hi Cheryl,

Pleased you have posted its good to vent your feelings whether negative or positive, I have one thing to say, you have achieved so much in 64 days,( I had similar thoughts last week,,)! We are bound to get these thoughts, hell we can't just dismiss our gambling past destruction, but just think what you have done in those hard 64 days, you have not gambled, been through s**t but stayed strong, just keep pushing through it will get better the more days we put in the bigger the achievement, and the stronger we get,

We can't change the past but by hook,and by crook we will change our future, just keep pushing through, you will.soon be feeling positive again,

always there and always walking along side with you.

Suzanne xxxx

Well today is a new day, still no better in my mind. Need to get a visit to the doctors.
Can't move forward and feeling scared. Awful feeling and so physically debilitating it's untrue. Draining any energy I have and head full of fears and anxieties. Thanks to Suzanne for ongoing support it means so much. Although you are my only support it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.
Not sure what will come next needless to say my diary seems mostly full of doom and gloom and self pity.
Can't help that though as this is how I am currently feeling.
Taking a day at a time and always the optimist, surprisingly, as go to bed thinking I will feel better tomorrow!!!!
I need the old Cheryl back pretty soon please, so am going in search of her,
So onwards and upwards
Cheryl xxx