why,why,why!!!!!!!

Day 10

What a P**tt, can't even manage 10 days.

Not sure if I will ever beat this.............

Trying to find the words to how I felt when I deposited,

Naughty.... No

Optimistic. ...maybe

Safe...... odd choice,

but I have become a solitary person in a house full of people.

After I lost....... stupid, nauseous, deflated

Mostly cos I have let myself down. Getting deeper into financial difficulties and the whole bigger picture of the effect on my family.

Have tried, failed for now but.... have thought about my actions and really want to believe. ..

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

I also failed today. I saw the signs but ignored them and now feel terrible. Many, many people can beat this so we can too. If we don't gamble tomorrow then we can also not gamble the next day and the next. It's really that simple. I'm ready to try again hopefully you can too.

Hey Cheryl

Day one again so what!

You have made great improvements and you know you can do this as you have had a few days of not gambling.

Baby steps again and this time a bit further without falling eventually you will do the week month 3 months etc.

As they say Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm sure that they had problems they had to start over with.

Iv still got the 2 sites open and yip I did fall off

the Waggon. But another one goes today and then the last one hopefully by Tuesday as that's the week I started my clear out of cr**.

Keep posting and stay strong

A x

Hi Cheryl

Thiis roller coaster ride we are on is a recovery ride

You are doing so well get back on and never give up on trying

One day at a time

Stay positive and keep going

Suzanne x

Ty Suzanne, Miss Noluck and Mile End,

For your messages of support it means so much,

Really being hard on myself today, been crying, feel sick and am filled with fear. Life was not meant to be like this, I frowned on people who gambled and people who know me but don't know I gamble would be shocked to find out I am a CG.

Really don't know what to say that is positive and just seem to keep making a mess of things.

There is so much more I should say but really don't feel ready.

Have had counselling before and found it took me a long time to open up, although this is mildly different I feel as though I should present the better side of me and keep my dark side at bay. But I am a gambler, even when I have borrowed money for bills I gamble it instead in the belief it will double then I will have money after I pay the bill.

As you so rightly say Suzanne, we cannot win as we cannot stop.

Its my OH 's 50th on Wednesday and can't even get him a, present, he will be disappointed and I will feel worthless, all because I can't stop this stupidity.

I truly want to stop and believe

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Hiya Cheryl

Iv been there not having money for presents and even fuel to get to work. My OH puts up with my s**t and i dont know why, but theres more to it.

Sometimes just spending quality time is better than any present a movie at home or a nice meal cooked at home.

Come on chin up xx

Ty Miss,

I am trying to organise a family BBQ for bank holiday weekend to celebrate his birthday and will be after pay day, so as long as I stay off the slots should have some spare cash to help him celebrate.I don't mean my posts to be so negative but am trying to be honest as I want this as a reminder WHEN I have achieved 2 or 3 months gamble free of exactly how low it makes you stoop and that I never stop trying

Cheryl xxxx

PS On a lighter note I have predictive text and every time I type Cheryl it adds Cole as a possible next word. Ha ha

Hi Cheryl (cole) um um lol

We wished we had her money lol

Glad you have lightened up a little

Thank you for your supportive post much appreciated

I don't know where I would be now without this site I had so many day 1s before I came in here it has definitely helped me to abstain and maintain

I felt so guilty when my two girls went home yesterday and ashamed because we should have gone away on holiday but I had spent it all on on line bloody slots months ago

Have realised while they were here that they have come to see me not what they can get off me or expect to get but it did not take the shame away when they went home I had quite a tough day yesterday but I got through it because I know if I don't gamble again taking one day at a time I will be able to do it next year my frame if mind is totally different again today my feelings are different every day

Be as negative or as positive on your diary as you want because it is your diary and your recovery

As CGs our recovery is always one day at a time

You can do it if you are 100% committed because then you will put every single barrier in place we have to because we can never underestimate this destructive addiction and as each day goes by we do get stronger and that is soo positive

Keep on keeping trying one day at a time

Suzanne x

Hi Cheryl. I have read your diary after you kindly posted on mine and I recognise you - or at least, I recognise such a lot of what you write about your feelings. We have started this at a similar time - we can do this. I have a challenge for you - I'm not counting days (am in week 2, just) but I have an aim - this Christmas, I will look back to the beginning of August and think 'Thank goodness I made it to 5 months and have presents for my family'. I have lost track of the number of birthday treats, holidays, even little things like a new pair of jeans for my teenage daughter, that I haven't been able to provide because of the CG. Not this Christmas - this year, I am determined, I will hold my head up a little higher. I will be in debt for many many years but am not going to make it worse by throwing money into the slot game bottomless pit. I will feel like it, will try to convince myself 'maybe this will be a big win...' but I am going to try my damnedest to beat this thing - you with me??? xx

Hi Ruthie

Its a deal that is a great goal and one I too would really love to achieve.

I have actually spent 6 hours online aiming to sell on a well known auction site. I have been meaning to do it for ages but the little demon on my right shoulder usually steers me elsewhere. I thought it was about time I made real hard cash and not squander it.

I still have more to list but will see how this lot go. Plus it will a challenge once funds hit my paypal account not to gamble as will need some of the funds for postage.

Used to sell a lot before I became a CG so maybe this will help to distract me.

Ty for your support Ruthie and heres to a brighter future

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Cheryl xxx ( Cole ha ha)

Good morning Cheryl.

Just wanted to say - here goes another day when we don't throw away our money, self-esteem or future. Stay strong - am willing you to succeed 🙂 xx

Hi Cheryl

Well done you getting right back on the road of recovery. Don't be hard on yourself. Forget about yesterday, think about today and don't worry about tomorrow.

Stay strong and keep on trying.

Teejay x

Ty Tee Jay and Ruthie,

No gambling today, really pleased and not wanting to either which is even better.

Hope everyone else is doing well and staying strong.

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Cheryl xxx

Hi Cheryl - well done for today. Me too! We can and will do this 🙂 xx

Cheryl, you still with us?! I do hope so xx