why,why,why!!!!!!!

Day22

Well am caught off my guard today, woke up, have money in bank and nearly deposited. Then thought better of it but was 2 hours deliberating. I felt euphoric when I was going to, the possibility of a big win, the buzz , the complete absorption in the game so much so that time flies past in an instant. But I didn't deposit and I know this addiction will be with me for a while yet. I think I have been gambling for so long I have forgotten what I did with my time before it took over.

Am on leave this week so could get lots of things done but I feel sad and destroyed.

Realisation has struck hard and I will need all of my strength to get through the weekend as get paid on Friday, on the flip side I so want to beat this and will try to get my head out of my ar*e and make some plans for projects to achieve. This is me being as honest as I can and for now will focus on sorting packages to post from my selling on a well known auction site. I washed all the clothes only to find my cat lying on them this morning!!!!!!!

Best get the washing machine on and redo them.

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Cheryl xxx

Morning Cheryl.

Well done - really well done - on not giving in to the urge this morning. I am having the same feelings whenever I have any money in my account - and I'm expecting some tomorrow so I will think of you when I am trying to ignore the urges. Stay strong Cheryl - I can't do this alone, I need you with me!! If you can, go and buy yourself a small treat - you deserve it and it'll help to reinforce the idea that money is not for throwing away, it's for making life a little more pleasant 🙂

Ruthie.

Morning!

Well done Cheryl for resisting - keep on eBaying (Im assuming its ******* ;)) it gives you something to do.

Stay strong x

Day 23,

Not having a good day and feel uncomfortable in my own home. Have even tried to open new accounts but sensible me interceded. For me it feels the longer I go the harder it gets for now. Am sure it must get easier, maybe I was expecting some sort of epiphany but same s**t different day. Am very quickly learning my triggers and have booked some depression counselling as am now fully aware that is my main trigger. Life goes on around me and I stand still watching, waiting to feel happy. Only I can make this change and gambling is not my counsellor anymore.

This is the scariest but ultimately the ( hopefully ) best roller coaster I will ever go on but I do not wish to ride it again.

I have money in my bank account and that is precisely where it will stay or I withdraw it.

Now I have time I see what bridge's I have to rebuild, the main one is with my family who I adore but have sadly neglected.

Cheryl

Cheryl

Well done on knowing only you can make this change

To continue gambling will only put you in more debt and make you more miserable you will never win or even worse ever be happy as LNG as you continue to gamble

It's hard to abstain especially in the first month and you will have good days and bad days but as each day goes by the good days outweigh the bad days

Abstaining is the only way to go in the end

One day at a time we can rebuild our bonds with our families and through one day at a time we can rebuild our lives

We have one life it's our choice to continue down that self destruction road or fight and use every barrier to a happier and healthier life I

Stay strong positive and don't give in it will get easier and take all your money out after bills if you need to don't leave any extra in your account use the triangle

Suzanne x

Hi Cheryl

Having to face the devastation this addiction causes is one of the hardest things about our recovery (as you know I have been finding it hard too recently). No matter what I face in my relationships and finances though I always try to tell myself how well I am doing in abstaining and always try to remember that feeling you get after depositing then losing, it's just not worth it.

Like you say it is a roller coaster but one that will hopefully get less scary through time as finances get sorted and relationships start to mend.

Stay strong and positive. I'm riding the roller coaster along with you

Tee jay x

Hi Cheryl

I have been busy lately and have only just taken the time to update myself on your story. I am sorry to read that you had a relapse but as with any addiction, continued urges are unavoidable. You did the right thing, you dusted yourself down and got up stronger and fighting. There will come a time when the urges will go away, but until then you will need to be robust, determined, patient and have barriers in place to help. I remember a good analogy being that the urges were like an unwanted visitor at your front door; you have the choice to interact with the visitor or politely, (or otherwise), ask them to go away. Remember it is the strength of the addiction that causes the urges not a lack of motivation on your part.

The encouraging news is that as you get further and further away from your last gamble, you see more and more benefits and improvements in your life. This is how I now know that I will never return to my old ways, I once thought it was gambling that brought some excitement into my life; the reality is that it made my life more boring. I always remind myself, however, that although I now have ultimate control over whether I place another bet, if I did ever place that bet, I would have no control over where that will take me: I suspect a horrible dark place from which I will not escape, but I don't dwell on that thought.

Be nice to yourself, mistakes are part of who we are and you will end up a better person for having made those mistakes and learnt from them.

Take care

Ken

Day 24

Doing 2 overtime nights tonight/ tomorrow to help get car back on the road.

Abstaining and trying to stay strong, nice to end the month with small amount of cash in account. Not that it really belongs to me as debts need addressing, I have become very good at burying my head,

Must try to grab a nap as despite not gambling still not sleeping well. Think my brain says you will be up all night tomorrow so let s get some practice.

Ty for all the new comments and support, could n't do it alone.

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Cheryl xxx

Hi Cheryl

24 days is great going well done

Keep abstaining and maintaining one day at a time

and stay positive

Suzanne xx

Hi Cheryl.

You're not alone - I also thought the urges would just slowly dwindle but it's not happening like that for me either - it's more like a roller coaster, sometimes I'm feeling really positive and at others overwhelmed with the urge to gamble. The only thing that helps me is to keep very very busy - even if it's the end of the day and I'm watching something, even if I'm just chatting to family, if I'm at home I have to keep my hands busy or my mind wanders to you-know-what. I find that concentrating on two things at once leaves no room for mind-wandering. I also don't leave money in my account, but hoping that I will soon be able to have a 'normal' relationship with money. I think it'll get easier and better for us both, but we have to get through this bit first. xx

Hi Cheryl

I have been catching up on posts and found your diary. I found my recovery was easier at the very start but I think the 'novelty' of abstaining wore off after a few days and I felt very low. I am OK now and have clocked up nearly 2 months so stick with it. Your will sleep better, self esteem will return and life will begin to look good again. Yes, the problems which we blocked out with gambling are still there but we can fight them without the added burden of giving our money away as well. After all, when you have gambled and all your money is gone the problems are still there and have now been added to. Jeez, I am about to put my foot through the TV if that Foxy Bingo advert comes on again! Sorry, about that. It's like dangling a can of beer in front of an alcoholic.

Anyway, keep strong and things will get better.

Elfie x

Cheryl, are you still with us? Are you OK?

Ruthie xx

Nearly 4 weeks

Been extremely busy with life and family which has been great. Not been on internet much at all which has felt brilliant as have slept, cleaned the whole house and had family round for a BBQ.

Best of all I had money to buy the provisions for a change. Usually by day 2 after payday I've gambled it all.

Well off now as had some beer and feeling tired

I WILL NOT STOP TRYING

Cheryl xxx

Hi Cheryl

You have come so far already on this journey

and doesn't it feel great to have money in our purse for provisions

Keep strong and positive going forwards and not backwards and keep winning

Have a good day

Take care

Suzanne x

Blown the lot, end of the road for me now. CLASS A IDIOT.