why,why,why!!!!!!!

Hi Cheryl

Never give up on giving up ok you have slipped

This is a journey for recovery

Get back on the roller coaster and carry on

YOU WANT TO STOP

YOU NEED TO STOP

YOU WILL KEEP TRYING

Sending you positive and strong vibes

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Cheryl

Like Suzanne says don't give up trying. It's never going to be easy and we may slip along the way but get right back on that road of recovery. I am walking it right along with you.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and best wishes.

Tee jay x

Morning, ty for your words of support

Cheryl xxx

Sorry to have let everyone down, particularly my family, really not sure what I can do. This really feels like the end of my road and feel the lowest I have ever felt. Can't borrow money from anyone as run out of excuses as to why I need it. Can't pay my bills and can't work after 12th as spent my registration money. This is such a destructive addiction. Think I got cocky and thought I could boost finances with a little flutter. Well ended up chasing loses, as usual and it feels the more desperate you become the slots seem even more against you.

Don't have a clue what I can do and don't blame anyone on here if you don't comment. Just wanted to share the complete ridiculousness of this addiction and how it affects all aspects of our lives. Am totally convinced I have no options as my compulsion to win this time in particular was to get funds to pay bills. Stupidity rules big time in my head ans this is the consequence. Have to think long and hard about my options, of which only the cowardly one seems upper most at present.

Never felt this scared before in all my life and am even thinking what would be said about me if I end it all.

Feel so alone but is all my own doing.

Cheryl

Hey Cheryl! PLEASE don't feel so bad! You have worked so hard - you have been so supportive to so many people on this site. You know better than most that this fight was never going to be easy! DONT GIVE UP! So you've slipped.... so what? "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again!" One word of advice which I (so far anyway) have found useful.....don't count up your gamble-free days...I was doing that and I think it contributed to a minor relapse....after a few gamble-free days I felt I should "reward" myself with an innocent flutter!! BIG mistake!! Just keep going - you KNOW you can do it - you already DID it! Don't beat yourself up... You've been as low as this before and you sorted it. SORT IT NOW!!! Keep posting....c'mon...chin up!!! Helen. X

Ty Helen,

Just organised counselling but my biggest worry is I have bills and no money. Have told partner he is ( as expected worrying about HIS stress levels), I do sympathise with him but he would never, ever , EVER think about mine even before the gambling. Well that's my issue to solve. Just not sure how to overcome the finance as gave him 300 pounds this month and towards car as he never has money, mostly my fault I suppose. Not sure how to get through next 28 days on 4 pounds!!! with bills to pay. I did say I am at the end of my road wasn't bluffing.

Cheryl x x

Feel very shaky today, have 12 hr shift ahead of me and not feeling confident that I will get through it. Can't believe what I have done but it was my doing so have to accept the aftermath

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Morning Cheryl

Thanks for your message

I am glad you have got back on the roller coaster no matter what you must hold on tight

Long shifts are bad enough but when we feel motiveless and s**t the day seems even more difficult

I did a late yesterday and back in soon with not much break in between

Try and be positive push through the day and give yourself a pat on the back at the end if it,that will make you feel more positive and stronger

You can't go back now so forwards and upwards is the only way slowly but surely

That is a positive for you

Hope your shift is not too gruelling and goes quickly

Don't be too hard on yourself this addiction is just absolutely ridiculous and self destructive

One day at a time maintaining and abstaining Cheryl will get there

Best wishes and take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Cheryl

You are definitely not alone and you can do this. Take it one day at a time.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

Teejay x

Hi Cheryl! Do whatever you can to solve your immediate financial issues - family help? Ironically, the way you're feeling right now will contribute to your recovery! The misery we're left with after gambling is awful - the self-loathing and panic!!! At the end of the day that is the thing that persuades us this is a "mugs game". You WILL be ok....I expect that like me, you have no money to gamble with anyway....again, another contributory element towards your final recovery. Keep going. All the best. Helen. X

Half way through the shift, doing ok thankfully. Amazing tye different hats/ heads we have.

Helen ty for your words, made me think of Pavlov's dogs even they learnt good behaviour through treats or pain. And we say we are the superior race, ha

Lunch over

Ty All for your support

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Morning

Feeling scared, that's all at the moment

Cheryl x

Hi diary

Wanted to say day 32 but realistically day 1 again. The feelings I have right now are too strong to write down.

Angry at what feels like my complacency after everyones support.

My situation financially is desperate and no one can help after asking.

So any newbies, read this and stay strong and focused

Cheryl xxx

Hello cheryl

Being honest isn't easy is it? well done for that

are you getting any other help? give gamcare a ring? get some counselling?

tri

Hi Triangle,

After this relapse, I did go on net line and they have referred me for counselling but it does rather feel too late but will keep trying.

Yes honesty is difficult but in order to achieve my recovery its the only way.

Will keep reading mine and others diaries to try to stay focused and if I am fortunate enough to convince someone to help the present financial situation they will give me strength

Cheryl xxx