Worry and Regret

Had a bit of a frustrating day today. Downloaded Gamban but it’s still not working. I was so happy as well when I downloaded it because I know that this will make a tremendous difference to me. I haven’t been at the stage where I’m gambling daily for years now. I’ve been trying to stop for so long that it’s occasional relapses but with brutal financial consequences so, again, Gamban can really help me.

Im still in the don’t know what to do with myself stage. Really down, really sad, really scared that I will do this again whether it be 3 months or three years from now. I can’t continue to go through my life never doing anything or spending anything because I’m repaying debt.

I need to bring healthy habits into my life in order to make me feel better about me but it seems like work and I’ve not got the fight or motivation for this. That’s something that needs to change. I’m always waiting to start tomorrow. I need healthy structure. Something that I can do daily which will bring visible benefits. Again, I look back at running. To run every night after work, after the kids are in bed. Go out into the fresh air, run, get fresh air, de stress, think about my day positively, come home have a shower and relax with a cup of tea. That sounds great to me. It’s only me that prevents myself from doing this.

I didn’t gamble today but I was fairly vacant for much of the day to all around me.

RR

I don’t want to become repetitive but I want to maintain an honest diary and one that I can look back on as I hopefully improve as a person and improve both mentally and physically. So, today has been a tough day mentally and physically I haven’t taken care of myself properly.

I am constantly changing hour to hour with thoughts of despair followed by thought of positivity followed by thoughts of despair.

I read on diaries that the debt will take care of itself and that it needs to be managed with patience and common sense. That sounds like advice from an experienced campaigner who has been there, done it and bought the t-shirt. I’m not there yet and I can’t afford to buy a t-shirt. One day, hopefully, but for now this debt rips my heart out and tortures  my poor mind at will.

The only common sense that I have at my fragile disposal is that I can certainly not make my situation worse if I just don’t gamble. It may not get better as quickly as I would like but I can do something about not making a bad situation worse and this is what I must do day after day.

A secondary thought for today is that I am in a world of mess but what can I do to make me feel better in the here and now. I could aim to get fit, eat better, lose a little weight, read more, try to get more sleep and I’m sure I could come up with a hundred other better ways of spending my days rather than worry, worry, worry.

Basically, I need  short to medium term goal that I can focus on that with effort will bring some reward i.e. make me happy, proud, content whatever.

I’ve had a welcome distraction today and a break from the normal routine which I’ve been looking forward to. I’m away with work for a few days on my own and I’ve had a thoroughly good day. I’ve just returned from a lovely restaurant with nice company and I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet of my hotel room. 

My day started with a three hour train journey at 7am and the time on my own has been great. I’ve not focused on the negativity of debt and I’ve not worried about it for the first time in a week. Instead, I feel good today which has been great.

The debt will take care of itself. As S.A. Told me earlier in the week let it sit in the background and chip away at it whilst having as good a quality of life as possible. It’s good advice.

I hope for more days like this. Keep busy, don’t ponder on negative emotion and move forward.

Hi RR

Did you manage to get your Gamban sorted? If I remember I downloaded the gamban app and just filled in a few questions, but it was instant

Well done, it does get easier and the anxiety does subside slowly

I'm only 45 days in so can't really advise, however I do feel so much happier and certainly have a healthier mind at present

I can't get complacent, I'm taking each day

Good luck! x

One week ago tonight I made a terrible decision by logging on to play roulette. I created an illusion in my mind where my actions were necessary - I had to win money. This was nonsense and the outcome was to add a further 6 to 12 months of debt repayments.

There is a good discussion going on about impatience on the debate thread. I acted out of impatience. I acted because I could not practice will power. As I’ve already stated on the other thread will power is the ability to resist short term temptations in order to meet long term goals. If I could have postponed my actions for just one hour last week that might have been enough to reverse my decision. That is gone now which I’m starting to face up to but what about next time. There will be a next time. That is not defeatist. That is a realistic certainty.

Of course we can help by putting blocks in place which is absolutely the correct thing to do but for tonight I am focusing on will power. So with that my message is we can all work at improving our ability to practice will power. This present itself to us every single day. It may be what and when we eat or drink. It may be when we decide to go to bed or when we choose to get out of bed. It could be as simple as prepping the night before rather leaving everything to the last minute the following morning when you are in a rush to get out the door. We all have a chance everyday to get better at will power. To get so good at it that the next time an urge to gamble hits I could be able to resist that temptation long enough to come back to my senses which would allow me to maintain my long term goals of not gambling and paying off my debt. Maybe.

RR

I went a run this morning and feel good. Again, I found the last part hard especially the last mile. It is during this last mile that I really focus on gambling recovery. During this part of the run I tell myself “don’t quit - just get past this and then you’ll feel great”. I imagine resisting the urge to gamble must be similar - don’t quit - just get over this hard part and tomorrow when you wake you’ll feel great knowing that you achieved something and are one huge step further forward in your development/path

Its only been a week gamble free but I’m moving in the right direction.

RR

It’s taken a week but I’m starting to feel far more positive about the future. I’ve been reading across all different discussions today and things have started to sink in. I’ve transferred my debt to one credit card at zero percent for the next 15 months and I feel more positive about this.

Also, the penny has dropped about my debt. I just feel more relaxed about it. Better to go slow and give my all at recovery than to pay quick and remain the same person with the same character defects. In my head I see a line graph with my debt starting high on the left and gradually coming down across the page and as a person my line is near bottom left gradually climbing diagonally up across the page to the right with both lines intersecting.

Im glad I started this diary it has done nothing but good and long may that continue. Good positive day today. Can’t recall the last time I went to bed feeling like that.

I’ve had a nothing day today. My wife isn’t well and we’ve just had a day in of TV. I feel as though I’ve hardly moved off the couch all day while eating non stop garbage.

Today is just one day. I didnt gamble or lose money and tomorrow might be brilliant.

Not really got much to say today just having another quiet day sitting in watching the football.

I watched my son playing football this morning while my wife was at my daughters dancing show. Everybody seems happy to sit in for the rest of the day which is unusual for us as a family.

I got myself a book from the library yesterday. I like a good book but don’t read often enough. This is something that I’m going to try - get to bed early and read a chapter each night and hopefully fall into a deep sleep.

The second decision I’ve made this weekend is to try something new that will force me out of the house a few times midweek. So, tomorrow night I’m going to a boxing club for a class. Apparently it’s great for fitness and it’s  new so there’ll be new people. Worth a try I think.

Mid afternoon I went out a cycle with my son and it felt great out in the fresh air getting some exercise. We cycled for miles and stopped in at a small pub where I had two pints of lager and he had a coke and crisps. Simple stuff but I really enjoyed it.

Now I’m in bed at half eight with a cup of tea and a book. Nice.

Dear @rouletteregret,

Congratulations on achieving your gamble free days, this is excellent! 

It’s great to hear you’re trying a new class to get you out of the house and mixing with new people. It’s really wonderful to hear you’re spending quality time with your Family too, both inside and outside of the house.

Keep up the amazing work and please keep sharing your journey by posting on our Forum.

Take Care

Joanne

Forum Admin

Thanks Joanne for your kind words and support.

I went to boxing last night. Crikey. I can’t lift my arms above my head. My legs ache, my backside aches, my shoulders ache, my upper back aches and skin came away from my knuckles but I loved every minute. Can’t wait to go back. Last night I didn’t gamble instead I gave something else a go and it was fabulous.

Hello RouletteRegret. Congratulations on your excellent progress.

Good to see you are staying gamble free and enjoying other interests and pastimes.

Impressed that you went boxing but concerned to read that the skin had come away from your knuckles. My heart goes out to your opponent who must have taken quite a beating. 

I wish you happy days as you continue on your life changing journey.

Redeemer

I just read Dave’s post about his recovery and it is a fabulous read.

Today, I didn’t gamble but that has to be the bare minimum. After reading Dave’s post it hits home hard that I really need to work on myself. I need to change the way I approach each day, the way I react to situations at work and at home. 

Over  the years with an addiction I’ve become angry and I harbour resentment. I can be sulky and very impatient. I procrastinate and can be lazy. In truth, I don’t believe I suffered from all of these character defects prior to gambling addiction. When you suffer from these character defects it can be hard to be happy and content. I really hope that I can work at myself.

Thank you for your post tonight Dave. It has given me a lot to think about.

RR

I didn’t post yesterday so I thought I should just put down some quick words. I’ve been gambling free for the past 16 days which is good and I need to stay on this path however, I still have days where I feel unmotivated. I’m waiting for something to happen whereas I know that this is not how it happens. I need to make it happen.

Of course this is frustrating. I don’t feel like I have any get up and go. So there it is this is how I feel. I know that if I just go for a 5 mile run this morning I will feel good which will have a massive impact on the type of day I will have today. Yet I cannot be bothered or feel like I don’t possess the energy or drive to get myself to do this which will have a negative impact on my day.

In conclusion, I need to change how I feel. Nobody can do it for me.

RR