Worry and Regret

h e l P....I'm new here and am dealing with the very recent discovery that my brother has stolen LOADS of stupid money from me for his gambling addiction. I responded with compassion but am enraged

Dear Diary,

I’ve been off on holiday this past week and I’ve appreciated the time at home. I’d usually be abroad at this time but the weather has been pleasant enough and I’m having a good time.

I’ve been running plenty and going back to my boxing 3 times per week. Some kind person told me I was looking fit and lean in the gym - simple kindness and it was well received.

During the week I watched a movie set in Las Vegas. Old habits die hard - I know this stuff should be avoided. I gambled in bookies and casinos for years but was in Vegas only once. Gambling is not something that I need or want to do anymore but the thrill of Las Vegas will never, ever leave me. I am well aware of the reasons behind this. When I went to Vegas all those years ago I’d never played roulette before and certainly never had a gambling problem. It was new, incredibly exciting and I won. Being there in that electric setting was something special and will live with me forever. All I need to see is inside a Vegas casino and my adrenaline runs. But, I’ve ruined all that. I’ll most likely never return and it’ll remain a very fond memory and utterly fabulous holiday.

Years ago I thought abstinence cured you from gambling addiction whereas now I realise abstinence prevents you from hurting yourself. I’m fine with that. Pain is not enjoyable. Suffering is not exciting and being broke takes away your options to experience nice things.

I’m going out to my fave restaurant tonight which is a nice treat and I’m looking forward to it immensely. It’s lovely there.

Next week, my wife and I are going overnight to the hotel we got married in several years ago. I’m looking forward to that. We haven’t had a night out just the two of us for over 2 years. We don’t get babysitters too often.

So, because I no longer gamble life is very decent. I have money for nice treats and I’m taking the right time to exercise and generally take care of myself - all a far cry from where I was previously in life.

RR

Hello. Yes. Weather beautiful.

Garden ongoing. Sport is exciting

Yes I've had a good week.

You too enjoy.

Take care ?

Thank you RR.

May your coming week be a good one. Enjoy the sun.

? Boo

Hi.... I take inspiration from your last post.

You broke the habit some time ago and now your living an enjoyable life. 

I liked it when you said "abstinence prevents you from hurting yourself".. so true.

Iv'e been hurting myself for a life time.

Today I nearly hurt myself again, but chose abstinence instead.

Keep talking about what its like to live normally.

People like me want to hear it and need to hear it.

Regards.. S.A 

Hello. Happy week ahead. Happy running. Loving the Olympics and little furry man very lively. 2nd vaccine next week then the open road. Lots of walks we hope. He's a labrador so it's what they like to do. He's very velcro at times but 11 weeks old a long way to go...

Stay safe.

Boo ?

Hope all is well. Busy here with pup and rain rsin rain.

Stay safe RR

Boo ?

Good Morning Diary,

Well I’ve had one of those weeks which come about to challenge us all from time to time. Lots of things going wrong. Some big issues which I’ll touch on and many small issues, which in isolation are nothing really but when they all come at once it becomes a struggle.

First off, I’ve got Covid which I’ve had for a week so far. It’s not been horrendous in terms of how I feel. Actually, I’ve had worst colds. Its more like a bad hangover where your head hurts, your tired but can’t sleep and no matter how much water you drink the headache won’t go away until you get to nighttime and fall asleep. Unlike a bad hangover, when you wake up the next day you feel the exact same and on it continues. The loss of taste and smell is bizarre. In a billion dollar industry like the diet industry they should have invented a pill that masks taste and smell because they’re is literally no difference between eating a chocolate cake or a banana - take taste and smell away and there is absolutely no need for eating bad food ?

My big issue this week which I am devastated about is a car issue. I feel utterly mugged off and cheated. I drive a German made car with a market leading reputation for being of top quality and being able to do 200k miles plus if well maintained. I’ve had the car for just under 3 years and bought it at just under 3 years old. Its got a full service history, 50,000 miles approx on the clock and less than six years old. I’ve never had a single issue with it.

I felt unwell at work, suspected Covid, tried to leave for test and car wouldn’t start. I had driven to work only a few hours before with no issues and no warning lights. Anyway, I had to get it towed to a garage, to a mechanic I’ve known for years and is well trusted. He says the engine has seized. 

My options are to spend £3.5k on reconditioned engine or £7k on new engine. Both prices include labour. I can’t do nothing.

Utterly devastated. This seems brutally unfair. The car was serviced with full oil change only 4 months ago. The problem is timing belt failure.

This must be like a 1 in 100,000 or more type of failure. 

Don’t know what to do. Don’t have the money for repair, don’t want to spend the money once I get it and will immediately sell the car at a loss once its fixed.

Enough ranting for now but this is where real faith is required when quitting gambling because without a shadow of a doubt I know I could punt a lot on a a few football scores today and have a chance of winning my repair money. But, that is bonkers and I won’t. I’ll just need to deal with it and my wife bringing this up for the next 20 years everytime we argue about money or something she wants to buy.

?

RR

So sorry to hear about the covid and your car I hope you feel better soon.

Such a shame about the car but well done for not gambling. I hope things start feeling better soon for you 

Lou x

RR.. Hope sll resolves soon.

Post viral you feeling low anyhow.

Life, will sort.

Take care   boo ?

O dear... your not having a good time of it. Lets hope the Covid clears up quick so you can have a clear head to make your decisions about the car.

Sounds like your just gonna have a to take it on the chin and accept the loss of car and money. Be thankful your not in a gambling mindset. If this had been a few years ago you might be in the process of making very different decisions.

All the best.. S.A 

Thanks for the messages guys. Much appreciated.

I’m waiting on an offer for my car. I’ve managed to round up interest from a company who would fit refurbished engine and sell on and I’ve got a garage owner who’s going to make me an offer. All going well I could be left with a deficit in the hundreds rather than thousands based on my loan settlement figure. Don’t get my wrong if I sold the car healthy today I’d have about £4k deposit to go on my next car which is now gone. I’ve been looking at leasing companies deals and I’ll get a good car for what I’m paying now but it won’t be as good a car as I had. I’ll take the lease for 3 years and get back on my feet. Lick my wounds and move on so to speak. A mechanic told me today he’s never heard of this problem on this type of car with such low mileage.

RR

So, wife and kids all have Covid now. Everyone ok but kids missing school is not ideal. Can’t get my head around this. 6 weeks ago I only knew 4 people who had covid and now I know over 100 easy. Its spread like wild fire where I’m from.

I went a 5 mile run yesterday. Typical me I never ease back into anything and my legs feel like I’ve ran a marathon. Hamstrings tight and sore and general pain from waist down. I’ll not be able to run today but maybe tomorrow.

Car sold. Lost lots of money and life is cruel. But, life still goes on and I’ll have a new car. 

Since the car debacle I’ve found myself doing what I always did which is trying to find a quick, easy solution. I’m not gambling and won’t but the fantasising of winning a quick bet has been with me this past few weekends. The imagining a few hundred on four teams to win ends all my problems. Its just a fantasy and not reality. I just put this on my diary because its real thoughts and I’m a gambling addict with a history. Today, I recognise it as a thought and not an action. My brain is wired a certain way and although I’m changing that wiring I’m aware it takes time. It may exist forever but I have faith that the new way is the best way and that I’ll be fine. I’ve ordered a new car and I’m going to lease for three years which I never do. I don’t like the leasing but it puts me in a new car. My payments are higher but I’ll manage.

P.S. The cost of second hand cars at the moment is ridiculous. The equivalent of the car I had is £4k for expensive today that when I bought it a few years back.

RR

Well im glad covid has gone from your house now. And im fine to. Friends are ok. Its lessons learned.

Busy busy with life. Work. Run and my new pup Henry.. Hes greedy. Nearly scoffed the chicken yesterday. Training classes began last week.

The gambling urge hovers over me now and tben but never lands.

Tbank you and take care

Boo

?

Not posted in a while. Life goes on but still without a car which is frustrating.

The gym membership that I rarely used expired this week so I did what every sane person does and instantly rejoined ? This time will be different and all that.

I’m off work for a few days and including the weekend I have 6 days. Due to covid my garden is fabulous and not much to do there so I’ll get plenty of running, visit(s) to the gym, read a book and relax a little.

By the end of the month I’ll be two years gamble free. The time has flown by but it also feels as if it should be longer. Strange times.

Anyway, I get to walk the kids up to school today which rarely happens and I enjoy it when it does. The excitement of their early lives and all that is before them.

RR