Worry and Regret

Yesterday was a good day. I ran 7 miles in the morning, went to the cinema in the afternoon and lifted weights in the gym at night. I can fit the gym in now because I drop my boy off at his club and pick him up 90 mins later so can pop to the gym in between. I used to hate lifting weights but seem to enjoy it now. It has a calming effect afterwards which I enjoy. The body is a little sore this morning but I’m ok for another run.

I went to see The Saints of Newark. I don’t know what to say about it. I absolutely loved the Sporanos. I’ve watched it many, many times start to finish. I was disappointed in the movie and a little frustrated but it definitely lays the plans for other movies so I’m happy with that. Kind of like a prequel to the prequel if you like.

Anyway, morning run followed by cutting the grass and then relaxing evening in store for me.

RR

I ran a few miles yesterday too.

It never ceases to amaze me how beneficial it is.

S.A 🙂

Where have these last 2 years gone.. Thank you along with others here guiding and supporting me 

Boo.. 

Stay strong 

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I haven’t posted on my diary in a month. How time flies by.

My life is a little crazy at the moment and has been for the past month. I give myself too much to do and I realise this but what can you do. It affects my life and how I feel but I just need to find some sort of balance. During the week, I get up in the dark, arrive at work in the dark, get home from work in the dark and every night of the midweek I take my kids to their clubs. Most nights, if the traffic is kind, I’m in for 15 minutes before going back out to their football, running club or gymnastics. If the traffic is bad, I beep the horn in the driveway and the kids run out to the car. It’s a struggle. My running midweek has taken a battering and I’m missing that. I think my body and mind needs running now. It keeps me in a happy place when I do it and I think it affects me when I don’t. I’ve tried going out in the morning before work and it’s great when I do it but I find it unsustainable. Anyway, life goes on and it won’t be like this forever. Others have far more stress or hardship than me. I’m fortunate to have three healthy, sporty kids who love what they do and at least they’re not hiding away in their rooms on XBox’s all night.

As a household we’ve had some bad luck in terms of finances in the past three months. It started with my car which was a bad one and a lot of money was lost. Since then, there has been more unexpected bills and these unexpected happenings are challenging for an ex-gambler. Personally, I still focus on any debt far too much. Way beyond normal. I will focus on it everyday. My wife, who is normal, doesn’t give it a thought. Just moves on whereas I worry about things. It can affect sleep, my mood etc. I’m not talking about huge debts or anything and in a few months all will be back to normal as if nothing happened but those same traits haunt me - the impatience. I don’t want to pay a credit card off over 12 months, I want to blast it in two months type of thing ?

Thoughts return to gambling. Not the actual placing of a bet rather just the winning of money. That’s the wired mind of a gambling addict who’s two years off a bet. My mind still thinks a few hundred quid on three away wins on a football accumulator can solve this problem. Crazy indeed. There is no problem, as above, things will be fine in a few months time. The impatient mind of a gambler struggles to just sit with a situation that needs no immediate action.

So, still I learn about myself in recovery. A thought is not an action and that is fine. Sometimes unexpected things will happen in life and this is normal and not something to fix in a day. Patience needs to be worked on. Be in a situation and work it honestly and with patience. The end is the reward - when all is better again. Realise when you’re not feeling as good as you normally do and find a way to fix it - still struggling with this one. My midweek days are tough. I need to create time for short runs and then just a little bit to put my feet up and relax. The run will put me in a better place and, with that, I’ll sleep better.

Life is challenging but each battle is a fight to be one and the best victories will always be through hard work and sacrifice. My days of taking the easy way out or jumping from one short cut to the next are over.

I could easily post again next week reporting on a fabulous week and on how happy I am ?

Hello.. Likewise some days here.. My mind gets into turmoil for no reason.. 

Guilt maybe of gambling and not having the savings i should.. 

Who knows.. Winter can be a lonely monotonous time anyway and im sure the season as radiant as it is with colour is also one where we see a lot of fading.. Falling leaves. Daylight hours and less contact even with neighbours.winter seems to take away. 

But we know we are on a level journey now and things will keep getting better. We have stayed enough time in winter as gamblers. 

Nice to read your thread.

Onward and upward as they say.

Boo ?

Morning RR.. 

Stay safe and well 

Boo ?

I find myself sitting in the kitchen staring out the window in complete silence. It’s lovely. I’ve just returned from a 6 mile run and although feeling a little tired I am also very relaxed.

I’ve got a long weekend and off on Monday which is nice. I’ve got a few jobs to do today like put up outside Christmas lights and we’re taking the two youngest kids to see Santa later - the oldest is past that now ?

In all honesty, I still find myself over analysing our finances. The last 4 months has been one thing after the other and our bank has taken a bad beating. My wife doesn’t bat an eyelid at this but it has a huge affect on me to the point where it is not normal.

I am constantly on a calculator or making budgets which I know is a complete waste of time because it’s not me spending the money. I can go without but I have a house of five and there is always money being spent on one thing or another. I cannot control every little thing. I need to relax a little with this type of thing. It makes me wonder, did I turn to gambling 20 years ago to bridge a financial gap or did I become like this as a consequence of gambling. I am infatuated with debt. I hate it and I don’t want it no matter how small.

I have definitely fantasised more about gambling in the past few months than any other time in the past two years. I won’t gamble. I have faith that things are better without gambling. For sure, they are miles better. It’s a fact and the evidence of how I live now compared with a few years ago prove this. But still, recently, I imagine winning one bet. One bet which relieves financial pressure. It’s crazy. I honestly believe that it is crazy behaviour and I accept that that is how my mind will always react. By accepting this I am OK with it. My brain still isn’t right and its still irrational and it obviously needs longer to heal and become similar to the brain of someone who never gambled or never struggled with addiction.

The biggest lesson that I’ve learned in recovery is that the easy way or short way out is not the right way. Its a trap. Everything takes work and patience. Results take time.

RR

All is well. 

Christmas tree outdoors.. Dog proof. 

Kick those urges into room 101

Thanks.. Stay safe 

Boo ?

Just one full week of work and a few days beyond that until I stop for Christmas break and I am very excited about this. I need a big break and I love the time off at Christmas. The Christmas break is so different from a summer holiday break. At Christmas I enjoy being at home. Everyone is happy and the kids excitement is contagious. I can have full days in the house and not get bored just perfectly content.

I wondering about the Government’s plans for after Christmas. I have a feeling we could be plunged into a 3 week circuit breaker lockdown prior to New Year. I hope not. One leading politician warning of a Covid tsunami is a little scaremongering in my opinion but she certainly enjoys to make a statement.

I got a letter and a text a few weeks back saying I’ve to get my booster. Not got round to that yet but I’ll try to do this before Christmas or when my wife starts to nag at me ? whichever comes first.

Another Christmas approaches and I fully appreciate that I’m not gambling. I appreciate that I can focus on the here and now without being consumed with gambling. I appreciate that gambling is not taking up any of my time.

RR

Hi... I hear what you say. Go easy on yourself. You have tonnes of responsibility with being a family man. Your doing mighty fine.

You get me thinking of my sisters partner who does not have an addiction but manages the family finances with forensic detail and rest assured will get stressed if something financially unexpected comes along. Its just the way he is and i'd imagine that for you even if you didn't have the compulsive gambling background, you'd still be careful and cautious and worried about money.

You enjoy your Christmas break knowing that you haven't  gambled your money away!

I agree by the way. I think another lock down of sorts is on its way.

Regards.. S.A 

Merry christmas 

Boo???

So, it’s Christmas Eve. Exciting. Also, I’m 820 days gamble free which is super. Gambling hasn’t ruined my sanity going into Christmas for the third year in a row. Long may that continue. I will wake up tomorrow morning and be able to be in the moment when my kids excitedly rush downstairs to open presents rather than be disguising my anguish at gambling all my money away the previous day. That’s priceless.

Last week my poor wife was in hospital again and we were worried we wouldn’t get her out in time for Christmas. The kids were upset and get worried when she’s in hospital. Glad to say she got out a few days ago. Sadly, the woman in the bed next to her had Covid and now we all have to isolate for 10 days. I’m not too bothered about it. We’ll have a super time. I don’t agree with the nurse that I need to isolate. I think it’s nonsense. That makes me a contact of a contact. Surely that can’t be right.

Ive still not had my booster. I got the text message a few weeks back but the past few weeks have been mental. When my wife goes into hospital I juggle the 3 kids and my job and everything else like school, after school clubs etc. This time is more difficult with school events and such. My daughter relying on me picking a party dress and doing her hair = not good. We got by.

We were to host about 14 people tomorrow which we’ve had to cancel which is unfortunate. I’ve now got enough food for 14 people and only 5 to feed which is a bonus. I’m cooking dinner and I can eat for 3 easily ? especially turkey.

To finish, I’m really grateful for GamCare. I’m grateful for finding it and I’m grateful for the joy and relief of not gambling.

Have a super fabulous Christmas everyone.

RR

Awww its a grrrr is this covid.. Dont allow it to rain on your parade.. 

Have a peaceful. Safe and happy time.. 

Enjoy the magic moments.. 

Mrs. R. R.   Get well soon.. 

Boo 

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Today, is my last day off before returning to work tomorrow. I’ve had two weeks of rest and relaxation and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.

As always, I’ve set myself numerous targets for the new year and I hope to make 2022 a great year for me and my family.

I am extremely grateful that I got to enjoy another Christmas without gambling in my life. This sets the platform for being relaxed and worry free something that I need to be able to fully enjoy myself. I can never take this for granted.

Ive ran everyday so far this new year and I’m officially in training for my May marathon.

RR

Hsppy new year and return to work.

Keep at that marathon training.. 

Eat well. Relax and enjoy life

Boo, ?