Worry and Regret

Hi

The wording self-disciplined in our daily life, how can it be that at one time I was frozen in my fears.

I have done a list of my fears that at one time were mostly 10 out 10.

Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of the dentist, fear of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of the doctors, fear of the opposite s*x, fear of being committed, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me.

This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.

Fear restricted me; fear froze me in the traumas of my past.

I took my worst fear, the 10 out of 10 and I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.

Only once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen would the level of my fears reduce.

The wording being self-sufficient did not mean much to me at the beginning of my recovery.

To learn skills so that I was able to do more with my life and my time.

When I walked in the recovery program, I thought it was going to control my life.

The recovery program was only going to help me help myself.

The recovery program was only going to help me heal from the pains of my past.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Being dedicated in the recovery program I was going to heal my pains also face my fears so that they were not disabling me from living a full productive life.

Often there were people who shared them self and then there would be a light bulb moment where I understood more about myself.

To achieve more and feel happier required more time and effort into my family needs wants and goals.

Success only comes by our own healthy actions and our own healthy words.

For me sitting on my hands doing nothing with my time but abstain was white knuckling my recovery.

The addictions and obsessions indicated I was emotionally vulnerable.

By me admitting that I was emotionally vulnerable could I understand what my last emotional triggers were.

On walking into the recovery program, I was not a healthy adult, sadly due to pains and traumas in my life I had not matured emotionally and over time once healing started, I would mature. 

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Goodness gracious Dave, that was one incredible post. Thank you for sharing that with me.

When I read your posts I think about your words and how they relate to me. They always relate to me in one way or another. It often takes me into deep thought which I like.

Thank you.

RR

Hi RR

I am glad you can relate to my post thank you.

For me sharing my life expereinces has helped me see and feel myself in other people pains and expereinces.

If you can relate to me I am pleased being able to do that.

We learn from our unhealthy experiences and want  to be become healthier in our self.

The healing process comes in many forms.

The light bulb moment hels us see so much more clearly.

Our healthy stimulation is not the same as fear based escape.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

I’ve been tired this week and have had a few nights where I struggled to get to sleep. No idea why. I’m not worried about anything. Not to worry but because Friday morning I usually get to sleep for an extra hour but not this morning. My eldest comes in at 6.30 to wake me up because I’ve slept in and I will be late for work. I tell him it’s Friday. He looks puzzled tells me it’s Thursday then apologies and walks off mumbling. So, early rise today ?

Anyway, life seems back to normal. Work busier than anytime in the past 3 years. I’m out running lots and weeks are passing by at the speed of lightning.

I’m not far off 1000 days from my last bet. My last bet - it makes me shudder. A day when I totally lost the plot. A crazy, wild man who lost all awareness of responsibility as if it were perfectly normal to try and ruin oneself in the blink of an eye. My credit card company stopped me in my tracks after about the 16th withdrawal (can’t quite remember) and I’d still be going now if they hadn’t. I’d lost control that day. I’d lost control years before but that day I’d have kept going without thinking or caring about the repercussions. I felt sorry for myself in truth. Afterwards, I was broken. I had been battered and I felt beaten up and exhausted. And then I stopped.

My ability to hurt myself amazes me. Luckily, I’ve never tried drugs. If I had I’d be dead by now. Maybe not. Maybe I could have stopped that too. Responsible in all other areas of life. Respected at work, good parent all while having a separate, secretive side of life that was killing me inside. How did I cope I’ll never know. Especially work. How could I function to a high level. How could I blow hundreds at lunchtime and 10 minutes later be heavily involved in meetings as if nothing had happened. I’ll never know.

The beautiful thing about life, no matter where you are or what you’re doing you can start over today. Start from today with what you have and change your course. Fabulous.

RR

Great post

Well done on your gamble free time! ? 

Have you got a marathon coming up?..  am sure you mentioned May a while back. If not, am guessing that Covid got in the way of things.

Anyway, its great to see how you have transformed your life for the better.

Regards, S.A

And still the beautiful summer continues.. Fields of buttercups, simply melts the heart and very distracting from so many thoughts.

Stay safe and stay busy

Take care... Thank you 

Boo ?

Hope all is well. At last a clear sky day.. I'm not park run today as have other errands to do and no gambling either. 

Nice stroll later.. Stay happy RR.

Boo, ??

Hi

No gambling today and all is well.

It took me along time to understand the levels of fears that Lived in even when in the recovery program.

I understand that as soon as I could reduce my levels of fears the healthier my choices would be each day.

I use to say that life people and situations use to stress me out.

That was not true I was not dealing with things from a aplce of peace.

Reacting in unhealthy ways took time to process in healthy ways.

Having a nice stroll later sounds very relaxing.

It took me some time to not react in such unhealthy ways.

I pushed my body to hard yesterday picking up free compast.

I wanted to fill the whole truck yet I did get a large amount.

Now I need to think out where I want it to go and how best to use it.

I need to empty truck so I can load it up with bags of concrete.

Life is so much fun today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

It took me a long time to understand that the recovery program is a healing process.

It took me a long time to learn to be kind and gentle with myself.

I was not an evil bad or no good person I was simply a vulnerable person who use to lash out in his pains.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, and my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Firstly, I thought that I would be the last person on this planet who would stop gambling.

Once in recovery I learned that I use to stress myself with worrying about things I cannot change.

Living in guilt shame and regret achieves nothing healthy, money lost that is gone let go of it.

So how do you reduce your fears, how do we all learn to live a stress fear life.

Is it true that people life and situations stressed me out, no it was my unhealthy reactions to these things that was unhealthy?

Because I had been unhealthy for some considerable time how do we change, how do we find peace within our self.

And because I ran away so many times in my life where would I stop running in my fears.

If we understand that the recovery program is a healing process, I needed to admit to myself that in me was a hurt child who did not know how to heal from the pains of my past.

By entering into the recovery was my first big step, giving up being focused on the pains of my past due to guilt shame or regret would take some time.

Yet being in recovery program I would find likeminded people who help me see and feel myself in other people by our therapies.

What was impressive people did not feel guilty for being unhealthy people, they were focused on today only.

Only once we admit to our self that certain habits were unhealthy, it was important to exchange each of those unhealthy habits into healthy habits.

This would take time, and with the help of people demonstrating what was healthy or unhealthy in time we find a healthy path to a healthy future.

It took time to reduce my state of anxiety to slow my pace down, to face one thing at aa time, to commit myself to be more relaxed and having less fears in my life.

How to reduce our fears that is a good question, sadly people have the same fear time and time again, dentist, doctors, tax time etc.

For me it was important to accept the very worst that could happen, to write those consequences down on paper, then once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen only then my fears reduce.

Most of my fears were ten out of ten walking into the recovery program.

Now in facing the most of my fears they are in single figures my fears.

It takes time to understand that every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, I also needed to accept that living in fear and anxiety was not healthy for me.

Because of my unhealthy reactions in my life, I did and said certain things that were very unhealthy and went against my own conscience.

I am a non-religious person yet I do understand the reasons behind our conscience and also any person religious or not if they are healthy have a conscience.

So when I lied it was very much fear based, when I lied I went against my own conscience, by hurting others I was hurting myself.

As we get healthier there is less fears and hence no need to lie again.

The hardest person to forgive was myself, in time I would heal my pains and understand that in the past by reacting in my fears I felt I had no choice but to lie, by living an honest life today without any fears there is no reason why I have to lie today.

Living a lie is and was not healthy, yet I felt like I had no choice, the choice today is to be the healthiest person I can be today.

Gambling was not my problem; I was the problem.

Money was not my problem; I was the problem.

Money on its own was never going to heals my hurt inner child.

When I say I am fine it was a lie, in time I would get honest with myself.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Thanks for your message Dave and words of wisdom as always. Much appreciated.

Four weeks today we fly away on holiday to sunnier climates and we are all getting very excited. I can’t wait. 

Ive been doing super with my running this week and I’m getting 30 miles in which I’ve done over six days. Starting to see the lbs melt off in time for hols which makes me happy. I have two weights - April to September weight and October to March weight. Darn winter, dark days.

I officially have no gambling debt now. I wasn’t sure if I should mention this or not. In my mind its not that significant. It should be but it comes way behind simply being gamble free. I’d rather be gamble free than debt free if that makes sense. Today I am both and I am grateful for that. Two and a half years ago I couldn’t sleep for worry about gambling debt. I don’t know when I stopped worrying about it but it was quicker than you’d imagine. Once I focused on stopping and recovery the debt sat somewhere in the shadows being chipped away at. My long term supporter and genuine goodguy “S.A.” advised me that this would be the case within the first week or so on my diary and I never forgot it. He was right.

The priority is to stop gambling. Everything else improves after that. Everything.

RR

Hi

Yes it healthy to be appreciated.

Four weeks today we fly away on holiday to sunnier climates no jealousy here what so ever.

It is healthy in getting very excited.

To look forward to our future and to no longer fear it.

A holiday can be both a want or a need, yet it can also bewe are rewarding our self.

For along time I gave my holidays away to complete strangers while I went with out.

Having a running this week is healthy and stimulous.

I see each two pounds loss as not having to walk around with 2 pound bag of sugar tied to my weight.

You are officially gambling debt free that is very healthy.

I had many debts at one time and as we paid each one off we had the choice to pay more off the remaining debts.

That was very powerful for me.

Paying back money owed has nothing to do about the money.

It is our being accountable to our self and becoming more accountable to our unhealthy past.

Some might think that paying back money is about the money, no it is about being accountable to our self.

Some people might even think that paying people back money is the end of it all, no paying back the money is not about healing the pains and fears we caused other people.

I am not able to heal other people pains that has to be thier own choice.

Sadly people I hurt are not in recovery program and healing their pains.

I did not want to admit to myself the people I had betrayed with my lies.

Being debt free is very empowering, yet caution because we are debt free people think our pains are healed.

Being grateful indicates that our values are much healthier today.

A waitress once asked me why I was so polite and courtious.

With giving it a thought I tld her it was becvause I was expressing my values in life and people.

It was not person pleasing or trying to get some thing extra it was showing that I valued myself and other people.

Do a gratitude list was very healthy for me.

Sadly worrying about any things does nto make them better.

Nothing healthy is resolved by worrying.

Living in fear disabled us.

Living in fear indicates lack of trust.

Living in fear indicates fearing emotional intimacy.

Nice expression chipping away at our debts.

Yes very important the priority is to stop gambling just for today only.

Life with out gambling certainly gets better for me.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Thanks for your post Dave. I read this earlier in the week and forgot to respond. I appreciate the time you take and the words you post on my diary.

Ive been reading some posts this morning and it got me to thinking about the mental chaos of gambling.

I often wonder how I could lose hundreds of pounds on roulette at lunchtime and be in a state of disbelief and wild panic only to walk back into work and carry on like nothing had happened. I wouldn’t think about it again until I got back in the car after work finished. How does one do this?

Likewise, I could win or lose hundreds on my way home and be in a state of turmoil or utter joy and walk through the front door and act as if nothing had happened. My wife would ask how my day was and I’d say “good”.

Ive had times where I’ve taken my wife to the hairdresser and agreed to pick her up 2 hours later. She thought I’d went home whereas I was across the street playing roulette. Sometimes I’d win a lot and sometimes I’d lose a lot. My emotions when picking her up were neither up nor down. If I lost inside I’d be in turmoil. Only in a small number of occasions could she could sense something was wrong. I’d smile and deny it. Deceit.

I read about the increase in numbers of suicide in young males. It makes me think that the masking of these young men is similar to a gambling addict. To everyone around them the sad and shocking suicide comes as a massive shock because nobody knew there was ever a problem. Gambling addicts mask emotions in a similar fashion. We need to talk to people. I am forever telling my kids that if they have a problem with anything they can talk to me and their mum without judgement. No matter how often you say this you still have to continuously dig away to get information from them when you sense something is worrying them. It could be a school test, a disagreement with a friend. At bedtime it usually comes out but they’ve been carrying worries for hours and they’re kids so their worries are nonsense most of the time. You reassure them and they go to sleep feeling happy and secure. What is it in adults that stops is from reaching out for help?

One of the greatest benefits of not gambling is that I don’t need to worry about it anymore. That is magnificent.

RR

@rouletteregret 

Hi

You say the mental chaos of gambling, do you think that we cause our self a lot of emotional trauma.

Often after gambling session I could not even feel the pains and the fears I was in.

I would have a nights sleep and the only thing I thought of was getting in to the buzz adrenaline rush once more.

I did not value myself or the hundreds of pounds I was losing.

The wild panic indicated the levels of fear that consumed me and that I was living with.

Saying to wife I am fine or not so bad was a lie, to myself and my wife..

I use to feel so lost and confused vulnerable and weak inside and my life was in complete turmoil.

In the recovery program I would learn to give therapies, talking about my life what my emotional triggers were.

As I shared more and more of myself my fears reduced and my trust grew with in me.

For me being a gambling addict was a very sad painful experience, all the time being consumed by my fears.

Yes Gambling addicts mask emotions or are in emotional trauma.

It takes time to heal the hurt inner child in our self.

I do not fear Gambling today.

It is some thing which is very unhealthy for me and my family.

Yes we certainly do need to talk to people and also learn to have emotional intimacy.

We should learn to be more caring loving and respectful of our self.

Some people think it is impossible to learn to love our self, yet it is very important in loving our self we start to value and respect our self.

In time we understand that we are not bad evil stupid people, we are simply emotionally vulnerable people.

Nothing healthy is achieved by us causing our self more pains, the recovery is about healing our pains.

Yes we can see fears in other people and yet how long before every ones fears start reducing.

A secure home with no fears no secrets, complete honesty where does it all start.

With myself.

People get to think that asking for help is a sign of weakness.

No asking for help is a sign of strength.

As our fears reduce we in touch with our hurt inner child and the healing process starts.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Today marks 1000 days gambling free.

For most, but not all of approximately 15 years I struggled with gambling on a daily basis. Often I gambled several times per day and when I first tried to quit roulette going just a single day was very difficult. 

Eventually, I would go weeks without gambling and on more than one occasion I could reach 100 days. I always went back to it. It always got worse. Progressively worse. Taking bigger risks and gambling greater amounts. I started to scare myself. I had a worrying ability to hurt myself. If my life was good I could ruin it. If it was bad I could make it worse.

Eventually, 2 things happened. First of all, I told my parents which still remains to be the greatest shame of my life. Next day I went to GA which was the second thing. Everything changed after these events. I started to get better and do better.

After GA I went about 3 or 4 years without gambling (I honestly cannot remember). I stupidly relapsed. Not through desperation to gamble but through being drunk with friends who placed a bet on their phone. The bet lost. I played roulette the following day. This continued for several months. 

The new end came when I lost the plot and lost a significant amount of money in just a few hours. The most I’d ever lost in one sitting. I was destroyed and scared. Truly worried and filled with deep regret. I felt exhausted and finally beaten up to the point of defeat. I fell out of love with roulette that night. That was 1000 days ago.

RR

@rouletteregret I was watching Audrey Hepburn in the nuns story yesterday and she asked a question about knowing when we are humble, the answer being when we can accept our humiliation.. Please don't feel shame RR. We have punished ourselves enough, along with others we love and care for.

We cannot predict where we go from here, for some there will always be setbacks, whose life runs in straight lines.

You have achieved.. You should be proud.

Enjoy the sun.. Enjoy life ? boo