Worry and Regret

Mate

It's only day 16.

You're mind is still in "quick win" mode. We gamblers love a quick win or instant gratification if you like.

To get straight is going to take you a LONG time. But you've committed to this so kudos to you. Don't rush the recovery now, enjoy it.

You're programmed for pain currently so your mind is making you feel like s**t, it's craving the gamble and in turn the messages you are receiving are negative.

You are here posting today, you are not throwing your life away.  Crac k a wry smile... You're going to finally move on from a life of pain and destruction. You're going to do this. 

It's only day 16. There are plenty more down days to come (trust me).

Ride them out... After you have negotiated the rough times there are plenty of good days to come.

In real life there are no quick wins. Welcome to the good times my friend ? nice to see you here. The view is much brighter this end isn't it

Don't be too hard on yourself right now ok? You're a winner right now yet your P*****g on your own bonfire with this lack of motivation lark.

It will come back in time, don't worry.

Mate you're going on a 5 mile run this morning. Most people are in bed nursing hangovers! You're doing good my man!

At day 16 I could just about muster up enough energy to have a shower. You sound like a gutsy, determined person. You can do this. Enjoy the ride to freedom.

Thanks Signalman for taking the time to help me with your words this morning.

After my earlier post I watched a man break the sub 2 hour marathon for the first time. Before I knew it I was getting my running gear on.

I ran 4 miles this morning and felt great after it. I went for a long bath and then had a sensible nice lunch. Overall, I feel far better. Why then is it such a slog to get myself motivated to go for the run in the first place. I honestly believe that running may well be the daily dose of medication that I need to feel good. It should be far easier for me to process. Go for a run and feel good or don’t and feel bad. Not rocket science.

RR

Addiction is a myriad of complexity however lets keep it simple for now...

Gambling was your escape before, escape to it any time you're feeling uneasy or unable to process your feelings.

Without it your in limbo when these times come, imagine walking around with a big exclamation mark flashing on the top of your head... That exclamation mark is what's hampering your motivation, you know what you need to do but are not used to doing it... It is yet to become routine.

Think of the steam train. Needs a heck of a lot of momentum and effort to get going as it leaves the station but once it's off and running its self-propelled. A lot of momentum ans effort will be required of you at the beginning of recovery, on some days it will be more than you can muster up.

Dig deep and do what you can but don't force the issue and don't kick yourself if it doesn't happen that day. Clean time is a magical thing, it will give you the spark and inspiration to do what you need to do as you acquire more.

As someone once said to me, one day you may run 5 miles, one day only two, there may be days when you barely scratch your head and have a shower... But even on those days if you go to bed without having gambled you've done brilliantly and had a brilliant day. That's enough for the day, you're a winner.

Remember what I said, clean time has a magical effect on your motivation and ability to succeed. I wouldn't possibly know what the inner workings of that is nor how to articulate such a phenomenon. Just keep collecting gamble free days. The rest will happen for you. Anything extra you do in between 0 days and the rest of your life is a bonus and a testimony to your dedication to recovery.
Just stay off that next bet day to day ✊

Away for an overnight stay with the family. Weather awful yesterday but to be dry today so we’re set to go to a lovely park which the kids will enjoy.

Ive been out for a nice 4 mile run along a lovely long beach with the sea air flooding my lungs. 

Still down with the debt and money situation in general but it’s only been 18 days. I understand that this will be a process and needs time. What I understand more than anything is that if I put everything into gambling abstinence and recovery then things can only get better financially and in time mentally I will be in a far better place. And this can only happen one day at a time. Eventually all these days will add up and there will be change.

RR

Posted by: RouletteRegret

Away for an overnight stay with the family. Weather awful yesterday but to be dry today so we’re set to go to a lovely park which the kids will enjoy.

Ive been out for a nice 4 mile run along a lovely long beach with the sea air flooding my lungs. 

Still down with the debt and money situation in general but it’s only been 18 days. I understand that this will be a process and needs time. What I understand more than anything is that if I put everything into gambling abstinence and recovery then things can only get better financially and in time mentally I will be in a far better place. And this can only happen one day at a time. Eventually all these days will add up and there will be change.

RR

 

That’s the attitude, it’s the only way pal.

Progress tonight. I’ve managed to go for a run at night when I usually only have the energy to lay on the couch like a beached whale. 

I often post straight after a run because I feel more positive at that time. In truth, life continues to be an uphill struggle. Finances play a huge part in that but I feel less content at work to the point where I’m not enjoying what I do anymore. Hopefully this will pass. Perhaps this is just a consequence of the negative impact gambling has had on my life where it affects everything else no matter what I’m doing.

Anyway, today I worked hard and honestly, I ate healthier than normal and I’ve exercised. I will go to bed at a decent time and read my book. If nothing else, I know I am trying.

RR

Posted by: RouletteRegret

Finances play a huge part in that but I feel less content at work to the point where I’m not enjoying what I do anymore. Hopefully this will pass. 

Mate a few months after I started my recovery I almost sabotaged my job/s and got kicked out because I convinced myself that the way I was treated there contributed to my lack of self-esteem and consequent gambling demise. I kept my job in the end and still work the same job/s. I am happy.

Further down the line I now realise what I was doing and why I behaved this way. What happened was that I was doing all the right things in recovery (as you are) to offset the guilt, remorse, fear of finances etc but I was not giving my efforts a chance to bed in and blossom. 

You know RR... think of all the positive things you are doing in recovery as seeds and flowers. They take time to germinate and blossom. It's not so much like what we are used to (smoking a ciggy, having a beer, a punt on the horse that comes in) it's that instant gratification thing again that's currently inbuilt to your system. 

Until then your mind will seek out negativity because it's not getting 'fed'. Once these good deeds youre doing blossom perhaps you'll be more grateful for what you do have day-to-day and what you don't have and is missing from your life will be more of an afterthought rather than the main content of your posts...

Imagine that mate ?

You're doing so well, if only I'd had your grit and determination when I first started this... I wasted so much time procrastinating and feeling sorry for myself for months on end. I ruined Christmas last year for me and my family. I admire your efforts so far.

Remember I mentioned about 'riding it out'? Well such thoughts you may be currently having about employment could be part of what I was talking about, part of the condition... Keep doing what you're doing, keep riding out the dark thoughts and dark days, let's talk about your employment options once your system has been cleansed somewhat and all the seeds you have planted have blossomed in your life. This takes time.

Don't get me wrong, who am I to comment on your employment. In a years time you may be in the pits about your employment and need to move on. But for now I would strongly advise to chill out a bit and take one day at a time... Look at the job dissatisfaction later on once the dust has settled after your gambling exploits. You are a precious soul and thus need to be treated as such... We all are actually.

Man, if I'd got myself thrown out of my job last year I'd be up s**t creek. I'm still in debt up to my ears. Last year not one of you would've been able to convince me that stable employment was the best thing for me at that point in recovery, I was hell bent on pinning my malaise on my employment and the people there.

Today I just regret the way I spoke to that lady and have since tried to make amends to her (in a bid to even out my karmic forces and vanquish the feelings of guilt every time I see her)

See above paragraph. Thats me writing 14 months into this. Check my diary back to some of the dross I used to write at this point last year. That's recovery. I have worked hard at this. Give it time buddy. Let it's do its work. See where you're at with employment when the post-traumatic stress of the gambling has started to subside a bit. Who knows when that will be... Actually scrap that, you'll know when that time has come and the time is right. What I do know is that it certainly isn't after being 20 odd days being gamble free ??✊

Take care 

By the way in GA I've come across LOADS of people who suddenly leave their jobs, partners, children after a few months into this. No judgement on anyone or any individual situation mind you... Just consider the above ?

What you're experiencing is a common thing in recovery... That's all I'm saying.

Thanks Signalman for your comments. 

I went out a run again tonight. Three days in a row now and I feel good. Who would have thought getting off your backside and actually doing something productive and healthy actually helps. So, like yesterday, I worked hard, ate well, exercised, felt good and none of it cost me a single penny. Crikey.

Keep going mate. It's exciting for me (and others no doubt) + good for my own recovery to read how determined you are to find the way out of this, not just a punt but also the general malaise/emptiness you have harboured up until this point.

For it all to be rebuilt it had to come crashing down sadly. However now you are the architect so keep thinking about your blueprint, what it looks like and what you need to do day to day to make it.

For what it's worth your recovery is VERY exciting to me as you are doing and saying all the right things. Just keep going, I promise you life will be ten times better than you've ever known if you just stick at what you're doing. Don't get complacent if you can help it as this is a door by which the addiction gets back in.

Also remember thoughts are just thoughts, you can send them to Coventry whenever you wish... They have little to no bearing over what you actually do or feel... All you have to do is recognise them for what they are and understand that thoughts are NOT symbiotically linked to actions.

My day today. Went to the dentist for a check up only it wasn’t a check up for some reason it was a booked appointment with a hygienist and I get stung for 34 bucks. A defo mistake there but hey ho.

Went a run before dinner which was one of those nasty ones where I felt devoid of energy. Nevertheless, it’s more miles in the bank and I get my dose of mental medicine.

Going for a nice shower now, jammies on and favourite dinner with a pint of beer as company. Not that bad.

P.S. I’m reading a fabulous book by Martina Cole and I love it. Can’t put the thing down. I haven’t been reading for a while and I missed it. Wasn’t doing any enjoyable pass times for a while but I am now and all those small things are making a big difference.

RR

The brutal honesty and reality of my financial situation hits hard today. Things I need to buy cannot be bought. That’s the reality of this situation and I am responsible. Not beating myself up but it creates sadness. It’s just brutal regret. One horrific night where I completely lost the plot, totally oblivious to self care and as a consequence my short term future will be affected. I cant runaway from it and I wouldn’t if I could.  Basically, I need to go without stuff for a while. But, a time will come when the debt is far lower, far more acceptable and far less concerning. Until that day I need to soldier on and not feel sorry for myself.

RR

Another day goes by and I didn’t gamble. The days begin to add up.

Yesterday, I was down about money. Today, I’ve been happy and my financial situation has not affected me. It just goes to show that sometimes I’ll have good days and sometimes I’ll have bad days and neither needs to result in a bet.

I went for a good 4 mile run tonight straight after work and enjoyed it greatly. Just need to keep going now. 

27 days gambling free and I get paid this week. I am excited that I can make a payment towards my debt. That may seem a little weird but I’m trying desperately hard to look at things with a positive mind. So, after only 30 days my debt will be less than it was when I started this diary. That is a positive.