Worry and Regret

Another nice day today. Went for a Park Run this morning which I enjoyed immensely although my thighs are sore. After this my son and I went to a nice cafe for some cake. Went to football this afternoon in the freezing cold and came home with fish and chips. Now inside in a cosy and warm house. Good day.

I think today is my 50th full day gambling free. That time has flown by. In that time, I have not missed gambling for a single minute and I say that truthfully. I realise it will definitely try to find its way back into my life and I know this through experience. My job everyday is to live without it and to be aware that I can never gamble. 

Once I stop I can stay stopped for long periods. Once I start I find it difficult to stop. The answer is obvious.

Slowly but surely Im paying off my debt. Most importantly, my debt is something in the background that I accept and can live with. For the first three weeks this debt absolutely tortured me. I couldnt sleep or concentrate on anything else. I guess for this reason many stay trapped in the cycle trying for a big win that clears or at least reduces the debt. Im glad I opted out.

RR

Congratulations on 50 of the hardest days of your recovery completed my friend. Keep going. One day you'll stop even counting the days... they'll just rack up on their own. You'll be too busy enjoying your new lease of life ??

Imagine that ??✊

You've done brilliantly. Be proud, stay proud, stay gamble free. You can do this.

Been reading some diaries today and, in particular, Signalman’s post makes for a good read.

I would have to agree that I would benefit from looking at my behaviour filters. I had a small bust up with my wife today. Nothing big and it blew over in a few minutes. A flaw of mine is to take what i believe to be unfair treatment far too personally. I had to pick my wife up from somewhere today. For the 20 years that ive been with my wife one thing is certain - im always on time and she’s always late. Today, ive to pick her up at 1pm so im there for 12.55, she comes out at 1.12 and i go mental because ive been sitting in the car with the kids for 17 minutes. This type of thing has happened hundreds of times. No matter how much I moan and how badly we fight she’ll never be on time. So, why dont I just turn up at 1.10? Why cant I change my behaviour? Why do I expect everyone to change for me?

Another thing I struggle with is resentment which is linked to feeling mis-treated. I have a younger sibling who I believe has had their life financed by my parents. Theyve bought cars, paid for holidays, gave a massive deposit for a house, paid for their wedding etc. The list goes on and on. My parents would never allow my sibling to have a credit card or go into debt. I harbour a brutally unhealthy amount of resentment towards this sibling and my parents. For reasons unknown, i have never received any financial aid or gifts from my parents. Ive never asked for help and never would. For some reason weve always been treated differently in this way. Bizarrely, my sibling always tells everyone that im the golden child and the favourite. Ive never received anything other than a birthday and Christmas present. 

Recently, my sibling bought their first house. My parents furnished the house. They claimed they had to because my sibling couldnt afford to. They’ve never even gave me a moving in present and ive lived in three different houses. My sibling lives in a 400k house. Their first house - no deposit to put down and they dont hold a particularly high paying job. All of this seems brutally unfair to me.

Anyway, I read a lot about recovery and about letting go of resentment. How is anybody able to not feel resentment when the above happens on a constant regular basis. Are you just supposed to forgive everything and everybody who has wronged you in your life?

Sorry for ranting - long post. Family s**t eats away at me and has for as long ss I’ve been an adult.

RR

Posted by: RouletteRegret

Anyway, I read a lot about recovery and about letting go of resentment. How is anybody able to not feel resentment when the above happens on a constant regular basis. Are you just supposed to forgive everything and everybody who has wronged you in your life?

Hi mate

I think there is something in here about focusing on gratitude over resentment and self-pity. I can't tell you that I 'learnt' this, it just sort of happened organically over time...

When gratitude for what you do have post-addiction takes centre stage, resentment no longer has room or place. It will wait in the wings for some time and keep pestering you to appear - however eventually it will realise it's no longer needed on the roster and at that point, it will pick up it's jacket and go home ?

I do think if you keep doing what you're doing all this sort of stuff will come in time. It's fabulous that you're recognising all this stuff so early though. You really are doing great ?

I keep reminding myself that if I manage to escape addiction on a day-to-day basis, then I really am one of the lucky ones. I could still be in its throes. Many still are. It hurts reading their stories.

When I see my wife and my boy and we chill out with the fire on and watch a Disney film and drink hot choc I hold them both tight. They are all that matter. I almost lost both of them and my home through gambling so I hold these things dear now... 

When we are all dead in the ground - who got what and when will not matter... All that will be irrelevant. What will live on is the healthy impression that you've made on others close to you and they will use that as a source for their outcomes moving forward. That's all that will live on... The resentments will serve no purpose. Don't waste your precious and finite energy on it mate ?

Hey Sig,

Thanks for the quick response and advice.

I recognise the problems that I have, I recognise the issues that hold me back but I absolutely do not hold any of the answers. Early days as you say.

For as long as I can recall, if ever we are out for a family meal at a restaurant my dad will pay for himself, my mum, and my sibling. I will pay for me, wife and kids. My sibling is in her 30s for goodness sake. Often we go out for the meal and im struggling financially and a night out is the last thing that I can afford. End result - I refuse to go now. I simply make excuse after excuse but wild horses wouldn’t drag me there. Thats not good and its not healthy. I dont want it to be this way bit I’m no mug. I dont want anybody to pay for me rather I just dont want them paying for a sibling living in a 400k house with a premium car who goes through life saying they have no money. I dont have no money - i have negative money and there’s a difference.

Anyway, enough b******g for today. My sibling visited last night - enough to set me off on a rant that can last for days.

RR

Posted by: RouletteRegret

Anyway, enough b******g for today. My sibling visited last night - enough to set me off on a rant that can last for days.

RR

 

??

Access some counselling at some point for what your harbouring! It will all help in the quest to unload your rucksack of guilt, regrets, resentments and self-pity... Eventually you'll be light on your feet and free to live a peaceful life ✊

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday mate

Feeling ok today. Work is very busy and fast paced which is the way I like it, I’m not gambling and Christmas is just around the corner. What’s not to like.

I’m not gambling but I’m not changing. Perhaps a little harsh on myself. I’m not putting in the correct effort to change is more accurate. I’m a firm believer in you get out what you put in and I’m not putting enough in. Things that used to upset me still upset me. I’m still self sabotaging and I am not committing to the changes that I know I need to make. Life is tough sometimes and change is difficult but procrastination is laziness and doing nothing will only keep me where I am and where I am isn't where I want to be. 

On the other hand, I’m not gambling, I’m not losing money or adding to debt. I’m not struggling to sleep. I’m not lying. I’m not risking my future on the spin of a wheel or the chance of a number. I’m not absent in the company of others. And, Im not constantly worrying myself into an early grave.

In summary, I don't think Im changing but lots has changed.

RR

I think in this instance choosing to not do something is a big enough change so much as you are actually doing something. It's not like you are idle, doing nowt. You are actively choosing not to gamble. 

Everything else will come with time. I love that you are beginning to think about all the things you could be doing with your time. It's a real positive. 

It's a transition. You are in the middle of it. Whatever itch you're having about doing summat new. That's a good thing. 

Drama x

My determination to not gamble grows by the day. I don't know if its the time of the year but I want to have Christmas as a non gambler. I want to concentrate all my thoughts on experiencing that innocent happiness of my kids at Christmas and I don't want to be absent in my thoughts fretting about a recent loss.

A few things have happened in my mind. Firstly, the penny has dropped that I cannot win. I am a hopeless addict and dreamer and no win will ever be enough. I now know that I have no stop button and no matter the depth of loss I’ll keep playing until some other body prevents me i.e. no funds and card declined. So there it is. The realisation that by playing I’m simply trying to ruin myself.

Do I have things to be grateful for - absolutely. Would I possess more nice things if I hadn't gambled - probably not. I lost over 7k but I wouldn't have 7k had I not gambled I just wouldn’t have debt. The 7k wasn't mine that belonged to the credit card company and they’ll get it back and in return Ill get abstinence and recovery. Without the debt and loss I wouldn't have come here. I’d still be gambling.

RR 

No reason whatsoever for today not to be a super day. I’m taking my son to a cross country championship race later this morning. He tries so hard and is so determined and I love watching and encouraging him. He’ll do well and we’ll go for a nice cake somewhere afterwards.

This afternoon, my team has a big, big game and me and the boys will be there hopefully cheering the team on to a super important 3 points.

Tonight, I feel like fish and chips.

The above all equates to happiness for me.

One big oxymoron about gambling is we believe we gamble for money. Go 57 days without gambling and you'll realise you have more money for the small things, the little treats. Money put in a wallet or purse can stay there when not gambling.

Once upon a time, I played with hundreds every day. My bank transactions were wild showing hundreds in and out every day. When you stop gambling and check a month of transactions on your account compared with previously when gambling every day it blows your mind.

Anyway, just 57 days but enough to see that things can get better. In action as an addict things gets progressively worse Im starting to believe more and more than with abstinence things will get progressively better and it could be uncapped.

RR

Yes exactly. When gambling life gets progressively worse. When not gambling, life stops getting worse and over time it starts to get better. 

As you know from my experiences, we tend to have to constantly remind ourselves of these truths, cos they are truths. Its having the patience to see these truths as they develop over time.

Moral of the story.. Don't gamble and stay stopped.

Thanks for your support 

I had a nice moment last night. It only lasted for about five seconds but nice all the same. I took my oldest bot to one of his clubs and usually wait for over an hour before taking him home again. Anyway, often I used to go to a local bookies and play roulette while waiting to collect him. Last night I went for a blind run - running around streets I don't know and eventually came to an area I recognised which was a row of shops which includes the bookies I so frequently visited. Ran right past it. Felt good knowing that I was running in the freezing cold, sweating and doing something healthy rather than in there stressed, worried and filled with roulette regret.

RR

Been for runs in the last three days and feeling good.

Was out buying a real Christmas tree today and all the kids are happy and excited. 

I had to take the wife into town earlier to get her hair done and I noticed some poor homeless soul sitting in a sleeping bag looking freezing cold. Terrible shame for these individuals. I always think about the homeless when temperatures hit zero and the awfulness of their days and nights. Im in a heated house, watching TV with a beer and about to enjoy a delicious home cooked meal.  Perspective - I have a decent life which I often try to ruin through gambling.

RR