Hi
I am Dave I am a compulsive gambler, and I am a non-religious person.
The recovery program for me means a healing program.
I thought at the beginning of my recovery that if I was able to stop gambling, I would be happy, that was not true.
I thought at the beginning of my recovery that if I paid off all of my debts, I would be happy, that was not true.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
That when I could not cope emotionally, I would try and escape in different ways.
The money was just the fuel for my addictions and obsessions.
From day one walking into the recovery program the person I feared facing the most was myself.
How long would it take me to open up and talk about myself.
How long would it take me to give up talking about my addictions and money.
How long would it take me to give an honest therapy about my feelings and emotions.
How long would it take me to learn to articulate and understand my emotional triggers.
Today I understand my emotional triggers are where my pains not healed, my fears not faced, and my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my feelings of loneliness and boredom.
Why did I last gamble, what was my last emotional trigger and how can I learn from it?
By me facing my last emotional trigger I would learn how to process my feelings in a much healthier way.
My anger was due to be my pains not healed, my fears not faced, and my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
For me I could be outward angry, and I could also be suppressive aggressive.
Being in recovery I would have an understanding my unhealthy reactions caused me many pains.
Being in recovery I would understand that my healthy conscience was based up on healthy spiritual values.
I started to understand that the pains in my life traumatized me in so many ways, and those pains caused fears in me that I did not understand.
I got to understand that I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions.
I also got to understand that in me was a very hurt inner child who lived in fear all of the time.
To protect myself I made very large walls of fear, those very large walls of fear protected that hurt inner child.
Sadly, those very large walls of fear protected that hurt inner child, also stopped that inner child getting out and having healthy intimacy.
The pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Being in recovery you are more self-aware of yourself and now more questions than answers.
Then what happens is very healthy, after meetings you have more questions than answers, then people talk freely and that is when time flies by, also that is the moment you can get that light bulb moments.
Once in therapy the fears reduce and your trust grows, trust also grows in other people.
This is when the word recovery comes true, the pains getting healed, the fears reduce, and you open up more to emotional intimacy.
And what we do did not know or understand is that emotional intimacy is also part of the healing process.
That by living in fear we are cheating our self of our own healing process with healthy likeminded people who are healthy nurturing and encouraging.
The you start to understand that you can only love other people when you are able to love yourself.
To understand that you can only respect other people when you are able to respect yourself.
To understand that you can only be honest with other people when you are able to be honest with yourself.
Also combined in all of this is committing yourself to writing down your needs, to also writing down your wants, to writing down your goals.
Another thing comes to light is that due to pains and trauma in my childhood adversely affected my ability to absorb learn understand the education system.
At 15 years of age, I left school with no educational qualifications what so ever.
Also due to pains and trauma in my childhood my inner child did not grow up emotionally.
So that my physical age and my emotional did not match up at all.
How long would it take to start to admit to myself I was not only unhealthy but was also very emotionally vulnerable, I would also think that being emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was a weak person, not the same thing, also I know that I was then a survivor, yet was also a victim who could not speak up for himself or set up healthy boundaries set from a place of peace.
So, I was committed to myself about my recovery and a healthy healing process.
To exchange unhealthy reactions to healthy interactions.
To exchange unhealthy habits into healthy habits.
How long to heal the hurt inner child?
To understand that money would not heal the hurt inner child.
That living in fear disabled me in so many ways.
Just for today only I will not gamble.
Just for today only, is my slow steady baby steps.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Great to hear someone still thinking about and processing reasons for gambling 29 years on. I think that is essential. Really well done and thanks for sharing it will give many people some clues as to how to proceed and also give hope about the benefits of not gambling. Keep on self reflecting and setting goals 🙂
Hi
Thank you.
Yes setting goals towards healthy habits empowers us all.
To exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits is very powerful.
Dave L
If I can do it any one can.
Non reigiouus or not
It is our commiment to our self to become healthy and heal.
Dave L
Hi
It took me far to long to get myself committed and get in to being motivated in healthy ways.
I did live in to a lot of guilt shame regret once I took recovery seriously.
Nothing healthy about living in the pains of our past, I needed to learn from the past not live in it.
Sticking with healing recoverying and over coming procrastination realy elxcelerated my recovery.
Other people also gave me much healthier perspectives on my life changes.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Hi
Back in 1969 I walked into recovery not knowing how unhealthy I was, I felt that gambling controlled my life and my thinking.
I am now over 30 years clean and interact in healthy ways with people and life today.
The simple fact for me when I could not cope emotionally I would escape in my fears to gambling, I did not understand that I was being self destructive.
I did not know or understand that gambling my addictions or obsessions were a way of me scaping in my fears.
The longer I was consumed by gambling the more emotionally traumatized I was
Today I understand that the word recovery means healing, yet healing from what, in time I was going to start healing the hurt inner child in me.
Every emotional pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, now I am willing to heal my pains but also to face each of my fears and to reduce those fears from very high levels to very low levels.
Sadly over time I did not understand how high numbers of fears and high levels of fears caused me to live on the edge of anxiety, and to even cause me to go in to panic mode very quickly.
Sadly when I panicked I could not think clearly and would often make unhealthy decisions and choices.
High levels of fears caused me to live with lack of trust and not be able to have healthy intimate relationships with all people.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Hi
In the recovery program I got more honest with myseelf.
I stuck with the recovery program because I understood that the addiction and opbsessions were just the symptoms.
Only once I abstained could I start to heal the hurt inner child in me.
Pains caused fears in me that I did not understand.
By reducing the fears in me I could start to open up to emotional intimacy with in myself and with other people.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
@gadaveuk actually i have a friend like this he never gamblied taken drugs of any sort and he the most unstable person i know gambling or drug abuse is just icing on cake as a compulsive gamblier he was one of my triggers with his constant sob stories was one selfish a******e since ive distancesd myself from people like this my life improved i realised i was croweded by too many negative people im in a much better place i was the one that helped him financially even though i was broke most of the time understanding your triggers is key to recovery we live in a selfish you have to think whats best for you life full of rollercosters you just need to prepare for the unexpected and deal with it?
@tazman Hi
There are alot of people unable to heal from the pains o their past.
Because they remain the victim there are not able to heal pains but also are not able to stand up an speak up for them self from a place of peace.
By distancing our selves from very unhealthy people it a boundary we set up for our self.
The same with people who are still active in unhealthy habits.
If we care about our self we are able to say to unhealthy people when you are ready I will go to meetings with you.
Once you are taking recovery seriously I will help and support you.
Why do people not use telephone lists.
It is fear based lack of confidence.
Or more often people do not value them self and feel uncomfortable asking for help.
Asking for help is a sign of strength.
Thank you.
Gambling can rot in hell their nothing in the world it can entice me to do it again it likr another person said on here the last time she gambled was 13 years ago when its your time to shine and know your triggers u just know their nothing the gambling can do to convince me to go back to it again i have made peace with this life all the best?
Hi
I am now emotionally content knowing that Gambling is unhealthy for me.
Yet in the past my reaction to the mention of gambling would cause an unhealthy reaction.
No matter when I last gambled I know it is very important to attend meetings today.
Today is about being safe and content and a healthy person.
Facing and reducing my fears.
It is very important in healing my pains.
It is very important to reduce my procrastinations.
It is very important to express my appreciation and gratitude to my self and all other people.
It is very important to write down daily my needs and my wants.
As my fears reduce my trust grows.
My therapies today have nothing to do about gambling but more about intimacy with myself and other people.
When I was angry I knew that my pains were not healed.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
Hi
Setting healthy boundaries is empowering people to live a healthy life today.
To be emotionally disconnected from all unhealthy hbits makes our life much healthier today.
Love and peace.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Before my entering the recovery program I did not have a clue as to how vulnerabe and how unhealthy I was.
Yes today I have not gambled, yet what else have I done with my day.
Have I felt like a victim, have I reacted in anger or impatience towards my self or other people.
Have I been productive today.
Have I been able to talk to all people completely free of any fears.
Do I show my gratitude towards all people.
Do I say hi to every one I met in my street.
Am I writing down on my lists items that need attention.
Do I adjust to other people when they are impatient and intolerant.
Are all of my fears in low numbers today.
When I walk in to meetings am I able to be my self with out any fears what so ever.
Is my life in balanace today.
How much more can I do to become more self sufficient.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
My fears were a consequence of pains in my life that were not healed or resolved.
Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of the dentist, fear of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of commitments, fear of the opposite s*x, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me, fear of being myself, fear of admitting I was wrong.
Do I want my fears to restrict my life today.
Do I want my fears to restrict my intimacy with myself and other people today.
How much more do I want from my life and my relationships today.
This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.
Yet by facing just one fear at a time.
It was very important to take my highest biggest fear and face that fear first.
After facing your biggest fear every fear after that is easier.
Living in fear is very unhealthy.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham.
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