Getting away with it or recovery?

My wife knew about my gambling when it initially came to light several years ago and did this help me with some kind of "real" recovery? No is the honest answer.

I think it being out in the open at the time was a good thing because I saw it for the problem it was but it didn't stop me gambling because I wanted to win back the losses so everything went back to normal.

So perhaps openness is required at one stage or another but where I am at now I don't see that it will help me. The decision to quit has now come from me rather than any external pressure. I have done a lot of reading and put some blocks in place and everything is going nicely.

Also I am not sure honesty is what you are calling for its actually openness. I haven't lied to anyone, nobody has said why are you acting different or why don't you buy yourself nice things - you are saying that people should be told whereas as see this as creating a problem where there isn't one.

31 days GF - No urges and a hatred of all things gambling related.

I think I read you were found out before, which is quite different to coming clean.

I think if you are keeping your addiction secret you're leading a lie, regardless of whether you actually utter a lie. Certainly in respect of a wife/partner.

I know openness seems more palatable but if you've been caught, you go back under without admitting, that's way beyond not being 'open'. I see that as deceptive and a betrayal of trust.

Incidentally, I don't have a problem with people saying they're too sh eite scared to tell. But I do object to people claiming secrecy is in the other half's best interest. Have a read around f and f - or better still ask them if they would rather their OHs chose secrecy. It just seems intellectually dishonest or deluded

I was caught, things were out in the open I was honest but took up gambling again because I wanted to put things right and in my warped mind thought gambling could eventually provide a quick fix...WRONG.

So what I am trying to say is that being open doesn't necessarily help. I believe that you need to understand the industry you are playing against (not with). The gambling industry is not your friend it is there to take every penny you can get your hands on, when there's no money left then they spit you out and move on to the next mug.

Only when you have a realisation of what you are dealing with and accept what you have lost will you recover.

And in my opinion the only way to succeed is to replace gambling with something. If you sit and do nothing then of course you will go back to gambling.

There was an article I saw at the weekend about Shaun Ryder overcoming his drug addictions by cycling from 9am to 11pm for days on end - this worked for him. Everyone should find a way like he did.

Should the O-H not get the opportunity to ' recover '. A couple can be in the same room but not in the same room, especially when one half is the addict and figuring out how there gonna juggle this months bills or deludedly thinking that if they stay ' clean ' this month well than everything will be a-ok.

Addiction switches between heroism, ' oh, we'll win for our family and get the big house we crave ' to ' oh, she/ he doesn't need to know, it's my mess and responsibility, so I'll take care of it my self '. There is some truth in the latter but the manning up is by the clean slate.

This is my experience anyway and there's always the ' recovery is bespoke ' curtain we can hide behind. There's no uniqueness in addiction or re(dis)covery

Shaun Ryder hardly a great example

@volcano From what I have read you lost your OH due to gambling - sorry to hear that but perhaps this affects your opinion on the subject. How has your recovery been improved by this?

I am not looking to be some kind of "born again...", attempts to be the perfect person, apologising for everything does not appeal - I simple want to stop gambling.

"Shaun Ryder hardly a great example" - why? Someone overcoming his demons is not a good example for others?

Being deceived by someone with whom you are supposed to be in an emotional relationship hurts. It hurts whether its an outright lie or a lie by omission. As repeatedly stated in the f&f section.

Each person chooses whether to keep quiet in or open up, but don't be under any illusion that omitting to tell benefits a relationship or that it's what the other person wants. Keeping quiet is just getting away with it, until the inevitable discovery. My husband managed sixteen years of keeping quiet, which I now realise says more about me than him.

Cycling instead of drug use for fourteen hours a day? One compulsive / extreme behavior being replaced with a different one? Maybe a cheaper version, less damaging but a compulsive behavior that allows the same escape from connections or relationships with other human beings as any sort of using allows.

CW

Hi cynical wife

You say your husband was an cg. Are you still 'together' or has it split you up? I would like some advice if you could provide any on fixing a relationship. I got caught out by my fiancГ©e and now the relationship is broken, not ended as of yet but obviously she is heartbroken so any stories of successfully rekindling the relationship would be appreciated

ItMattersMoreWhenTheresNoMoneyOnIt wrote: @volcano From what I have read you lost your OH due to gambling - sorry to hear that but perhaps this affects your opinion on the subject. How has your recovery been improved by this? I am not looking to be some kind of "born again...", attempts to be the perfect person, apologising for everything does not appeal - I simple want to stop gambling. "Shaun Ryder hardly a great example" - why? Someone overcoming his demons is not a good example for others?

Easy tiger, In wondering where you read that ? I won't get into the ins and outs of my splitting from my ex but it wasn't gambling my friend. But agreed, I was just like you and didn't have the balls to face up telling someone who was a big part of my life. Hence this is where I get my view from, I saw her spirit go flat from this ' secret ' that she knew existed but couldn't put her finger on.

If you think your Mrs hasn't got an inkling, well ok as it means diddly squat to me!

I'm also wondering where you get your born again bit from ? Maybe it's from the same delusional process that I went through. I hate to burst your little bubble but your far from unique.

Knock your self out with idolising Shawn Ryder, and to enlighten you, he did man up and was pretty transparent as didn't live his little lie.

None the less it's your journey and do it what ever way you want...

@volcano everyone is unique myself included. If there was one way to do things then the world would be a much simpler but more boring place.

Let's just see how things pan out and I wish you all the best.

@cw what about if someone is secretly no longer gambling. If I were to get to 1 year, 2 years etc without gambling then what is the point saying by the way I used to gamble.

Honesty matters.

You never told a lie to your husband?

Not deliberately and systematically throughout the duration of the relationship.

You can tell a non deliberate lie?

I don't believe you could class my actions as systematically lieing throughout the duration of my relationship. I am not perfect by any means and have made some bad choices but on the whole I do a lot of good for a lot of people and I am happy in my skin. It seems like there is a lot of emphasis put on certain "steps" on these forums and I am just saying that maybe the cap doesn't always fit.

Before people judge me too harshly I would say that you show me someone that doesn't lie and I will show you a liar.

I have yet to meet a compulsive gambler who isnt also a compulsive liar, the two go hand in hand, in fact the first is impossible to sustain without becoming the second.
I have heard 100s of accounts where the lieing becomes as exciting to the addict as the gambling. Lurching from one impending crisis to another & getting through it relatively unscathed becomes intoxicating. It gives the same rush. Manouvering & manipulating people to believe our lies & give us what we want, boosts our often fragile egos, makes us feel clever boys & girls, smarter than everyone else & in control. I describe it as crisis management. You could describe it as plate spinning. Its a very important component in addiction. No one can gamble, drink, take drugs etc 24/7, so the lieing, the planning, the manipulating of circumstances & people becomes how we self soothe. The finding of funds, the lieing to cover our tracks, the robbing of Peter to pay Paul are as an important part of addiction as the physical gambling because its the anticipation that is addictive, thats the part that creates the fantasy in our heads, not the actual wagering.

This is why honesty is a cornerstone of recovery. Without it you have nothing worth holding onto.

Can one stop without telling? Probably. Can one become a person worth becoming? I doubt it.
Telling isnt mandatory to stop gambling, nothing is. But if you want to look in that mirror everyday without shame or regret its certainly going to help you get there

Its not for me or anyone else to judge you personally and my apologies if it comes across as such. But stating an unpalatable reality isn't judging. Keeping quiet about gambling by definition involves systematic lying to nearest and dearest by false statements and omission. No man is an island and gambling harms those around the gambler. Not said as a judgement but a rebuttal of denial. If you interpret it as judgement, you might ask yourself why.

Focusing on other people's faults distracts from the need to work on own faults. I could lie through my teeth to my husband and it would be my bad, but it doesn't change the cleanliness or otherwise of anyone else's side of the street.

CW