Getting away with it or recovery?

Great thread everyone, we all have different views and I don't believe anyone of you are wrong, or right. I do believe u cannot give this evil drug up alone I have tryed and failed, I'm now trying to give this drug up with support and I feel a new woman I got caught though I then came clean to my partner, but I took the chance of becoming single when I came clean, luckily for me he's gave me a chance took over everything financially , gives me allowance each week and so far we are happy and getting back to us.. Someone wrote on here that gamblers have a funny relationship with money it made me chuckle because we do,. I'd say to anyone to take the chance of comming clean if you seriously want to give up in my view if your partner truly loves and cares for you they will be willing to give you a go and help, however if you have done it more than once and they walk away I believe you deserve it ( my view) red x

I am not concerned about myself, nor am I concerned if my wife wanted to leave - she would be within her rights to a certain extent - however I am not willing to take a chances due to the affect any break up would have on my daughter. I have done everything for her since she was born for reasons I won't go into and know for a fact that she would be devastated if I wasn't around everyday. I can see it now that some people will say this is just an excuse and that I am hiding behind this but I will stress that everyones situation is different and you only only privy to the information I am willing to put on here.

A truly excellent post from day@atime which I want to follow up on.

I had become a liar and some might term it a fraudster or thief. I tugged on the heartstrings and the bank of mum and dad to fund a gambling addiction. I can clearly see the rocky road spiralling downwards from there. I went to GA about twenty years ago and was quite shocked about a story of life savings stolen from a biscuit tin belonging to a relative.( I am breaking no confidences now ...no names and this was long ago) I was shocked and at the time thought I could never stoop so low. I felt as if I shouldnt have been at the meeting. The truth is I can now easily see how I could have ended up there and much deeper in trouble.

I liked to think of myself as a good person helping people across the road etc but I needed to face up to what I was actually capable of. I did this with a new openness and confessing my wrongdoings. I am not religious but religions use this as a cleansing of the soul.

I knew that to tackle the addiction I needed to be honest. Something had control of me and I was confused. It took me a while but I finally realised I needed to be honest and tell people what I had done.

I couldnt live with a gambler and Ive been one. I couldnt be out at work all day if a partner was on the online slots. These days a relationship needs financial stability and often two people need to be working. I can see that gambling away money is NOT an isolated incident from my loved one.

Gambling is a huge sign of instability and a person out of control. Its the most irresponsible thing to do with money. It is a huge test of a relationship and I cant blame people for walking out. It has to be said that its perhaps a wakeup call that the gambler needs. I dont want to see anybodys relationship crumble but surely a loving relationship means honesty with each other.

I dont know anybody with a gambling fund that doesnt affect anybody else. Sure the mega rich can afford to chuck it away but some of them gamble to extinction showing the addiction can affect everybody.

So everybody makes their own decisions in recovery but I would feel that keeping secrets is not right. I think by the time we reach the forum its gone a bit beyond quietly and quickly replacing an amount of money.

Then again I am not going to force anyone to have that discussion.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

Hi

Once we are healed and at peace with our self we no longer have any emotional ties to gambling or other addictions.

To no longer even think we loved it hated it or want it in our lives any more.

Today gambling means nothing to me.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi Louis

My desire to stop gambling came from awareness that my actions and words were very unhealthy, that I was hurting myself and hurting people close to me.

My conscience is spiritual value based, when I am being unhealthy and hurting people it goes against my own conscience, that causes guilt and shame in me which is pain.

For me my addictions were a form of escape, very much a fear based issue

My lies were a betrayal of people trust.

With each lie comes larger fears.

Being deception we hurt our relationship with our self and with other people..

Only once I got honest with myself and admitted that my addictions and obsessions were unhealthy would I want to change and more importantly heal.

The feelings of guilt shame and regret are over time replaced with pride confidence in being healthy with in oneself.

The recovery program helps us over come shame and opening up to see and feel the pain with in us all.

I was unable to articulate myself, to understand my feelings and my emotions.

Only once we are honest with our self can we get honest with other people.

If we do not understand our emotional vulnerability how can we expect other people to understand why we do such unhealthy things.

My fears of being honest stemmed from my very painful unhealthy child hood, the assumption that honesty was painful changes once we open up to therapies and being aware of how emotionally vulnerable we truly are.

The assumption change would not only be scary but would be painful changes when we see and feel change in others, we start to see our future with out insecure unhealthy habits.

For me each lie was fear based, only once I get honest with myself could I get honest with other people.

The getting caught the rebellion was all part of the adrenaline rush and risk taking which started in my child hood.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape from people life and situation I could not cope with.

Is abstaining enough for me today.

Is abstaining mean that I am healed today.

Addicts are often motivated in to getting some thing for nothing.

Being cheap to myself means I do not value myself.

Once we abstain writing down my needs my wants and my goals help me over come my procrastination.

Our fear of emotional vulnerability and people seeing the image we want people to see really is a facade based on my fears, would they really want to know us if we got honest.

To open up and expose our hurt inner child sets us free of our fears and our trust grow.

The word recovery for me means healing.

The wording cowardice I associate with bullies who dump on other people.

Bullies will often pick on the most vulnerable person, bullies are victims who are were very vulnerable emotionally who have never healed from their pains, or healed their hurt inner child.

Our fear of being honest indicates to me we have not matured in to adult hood, that our emotional age does not match up with my physical age.

The trauma in my child hood adversely affected my growth my ability to learn to understand or absorb information.

Our fear of being honest indicates to me that I ad fears of rejection or abandonment, this again was a child hood trauma not resolved.

Our lies and our fears are a way of us protecting our inner child from being hurt.

Only when we reduce our walls of fears can we open up to intimate relationships with our self first of all, and only then intimate relationships with other people.

There have been a few ladies who have commented that their partners were only able to open up and talk to me, when people open up to me are they opening up to the adult in me or are they opening up to the healed little child in me.

Abstaining only means we have stopped causing our self pains, hence it was only once I abstained from more than one unhealthy habit could the healing process start on y hurt inner child.

For me all of my lies were fear based.

Living a lie I am only cheating myself.

Thank you every one very much for your open sharing on these topics.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Posted by: gadaveuk

There have been a few ladies who have commented that their partners were only able to open up and talk to me, when people open up to me are they opening up to the adult in me or are they opening up to the healed little child in me.

Thanks for this Dave - I'm really glad I decided to make more effort to read and understand your posts. This passage had quite an impact on me, there were definitely periods in my life when addiction was more in the background that people would relate to me and I would relate back in a healthy way, I would be present and not engineering my interactions around personal gain - genuine empathy and compassion would usually by my 'go-to's' - I was a pretty solid friend to most.

When addiction was rife in my life invariably my relationships with people were simply based around 'acting out' and manipulating people for personal gain or engaging with people in quite a sociopathic way.

I realise this now and also endeavour to get some of the former back into my life now I am actively taking control of my addictive nature and sending it to the back burner.

I am also realising that your posts work better for me if I don't take them literally and instead refer to the passages as signposts for a better future - some direct me to places I don't really need to go (but others may need to) whilst other posts help me to think and discover more about myself and my journey.

I still think you're as mad as a march hare ?

Thanks Dave ?

You see we never got away with anything. That was all part of the addicted delusion. I was a secretive gambler and my delusion was nobody will know about that but me. 

My delusion was that it was only £100 (for example) and Ive got other money. Its part of a dangerous comfort zone we create which only fuels the addiction.

The reality is that I never earned enough to chuck away that sort of money and I ended up losing thousands every year

My delusion was I could ride it out but it actually eats away at our insides The money is a part of the reason we come back to it in chasing behaviour.

Even if we gamble £1 it is a pound thrown away. 

So ladies and gents, we never really got away with anything as you know in your souls. Thats why everyone must face reality as quickly as possible.

That involves openness, honesty and a born again moment.

The goal is a serenity we never thought possible and gambling in the dustbin of history

Best wishes to everyone on the forum