Willpower!

Well put Alan. Maybe there not so good for me as you can't exclude from the local grocery shop.
I can see why people use them. I just think maybe people become to dependant on them?

Will power alone won't cut it but we do need it. We need the willingness to find the strength to stop gambling. It's part of the formula we need but can't be relied on it own. Will power alone is a solitary solution in my opinion you need the support of others around you in real life keeping it a secret and just sharing on here means you are not accountable to anyone other than yourself.

As for the blocks I have more blocks in place than a Lego factory they was certainly comforting at the beginning and helped give those around me peace of mind and showed my willingness to commit to changing people say you can get round them an I'm sure you can but I've never tried there just there in the background. My biggest block is that everyone knows but more importantly I know I don't want to gamble anymore.

My recovery from being a serial enabler of a compulsive gambler began when I ditched the willpower for surrender.

Depends where the willpower is focused.

Willpower, plus an intact triangle, plus a refusal to tell loved ones (I question such love), plus a refusal to attend counselling and/ or meetings, all result in won't power.

Willpower used to habitually keep a broken triangle and to bite the bullet re telling and regular attendance at meetings and counselling, such willpower works a whole lot better. It leads to the surrender that Cathy mentions.

Willpower is 'the ability to control your thoughts and the way you behave' (apparently).

I can control my behaviour mostly, but even a zen master can't control their thoughts. Try really hard not to think of a pink polar bear. Try...really hard...not to think of that pink polar bear.

When people talk negatively about willpower being inadequate, what's really meant? Inner resolve?

Inner resolve is fine but there's the problem of applying your faulty mind (however intensely) to fix your faulty mind.

Louis

Want power seems more important than will power

Willpower is but one component to help control gambling. Like any addiction, you are never totally 'cured' and it's always one day at a time.

I would say most compulsive gamblers understand this. I personally feel letting as many people (you can trust) know about our condition helps. Practical measures (such as limiting gambling availability) can help too.

Of course, we are all different and have different measures of resolve. But it's getting other ingredients right to make the most effective mix.

Such as: being honest and open with loved ones. Seeking support like the free counselling you can get from Gamcare and partners. At times of weakness, posting on here. And other measures.

I'm gonna throw a spanner in the works. Take my son for instance who isnt toatally abstaining but having a small bet every week or so. If he continues this this pattern for another five years does that mean the favour goes in his way of being a controlled gambler? (Be nice to me folks)

Sorry, WCID. For me, I would regard this situation as an unexploded bomb. I couldn't live with it, I'd want to see frequent and regular credit reports to check what may or may not be going on behind my back. That in itself isn't healthy for all concerned.

Why is there a need to place the bet? Why can't he be happy without, what is it that he would be missing? That's the key.

CW

I still don't really know what people mean by 'is willpower enough'. It's enough if it's enough. If you have enough willpower you won't gamble.

Question is is more how you do you get to the point of having enough willpower.

It's not by 'grim determination' - trying very very hard and promising the earth, but by learning new ways of behaving and processing stuff.

to WCID - of course your son's limited gambling is hugely preferable to his previous, and so very welcome.

The lack of willingness to give up properly is not ideal but if everyone's lives are more manageable that's massivel helpful.

Louis

Cool I've got enough then

Wcid. If he's happy and he's in control of his life. Which I believe he is. I wouldn't worry about it.
Like you said you don't mind him having x amount a week and he's sticking to it.
Unless the situation changes
Keep on keeping on
X

Cynical wife I really get what you're saying, in my sons case I don't know if it's a need, but the need has greatly reduced and I do keep a monthly eye on his credit file and probably always will along with regular chats with him and with his girlfriend who is in charge of their accounts. What I was trying to say as in Dans post it takes 5 years for someone to be in remission from an illness, if my son continues as he is for another 5 years does that mean he will have a better chance at carrying on as he is. Just a thought. Stopping outright didn't work for him, greatly reducing it has though. i know he doesn't chase his £10 or £20 if he looses, he walks away til the following week. Is that willpower? Is it a want? Is it a time bomb? It's deffinataly a positive change to his addiction. It's always a worry it must be a worry for you as well, with your husband , if he wanted to and if he was able to do you think he would? That in itself is like a ticking time bomb. - wcid

Hi, WCID,

This is second time round for me, I've already done the "it-won't-happen-again-trust-me-I'm-fine" routine. Based on what I've learnt from it and also from stories on the forum and at meetings, for me, I would assume that active betting involves the betting that I could see and a whole lot more that I couldn't. Hence I would be driving myself and everyone mad by demanding credit reports to check and double check and it would be unmanageable all round.

My husband knows that if he were to start, he wouldn't be able to stop. For all the ups, downs and sideways, he is committed not to place another bet at the moment, ODAAT. The means are there if he wanted to do it on the quiet (family money isn't) but he doesn't want to and he supports that by meetings and his commitment. It's his department, not mine. He still has issues and hang ups as do I, long term they need addressing but for me the bomb would start ticking if he were to declare himself cured, stop meetings and demand unsupervised access to family money. For me, it's not the losses, it's the lies, manipulation, isolation, remoteness, the addict behaviour etc that are unmanageable.

Less betting is obviously better than more betting and if it's working, all good. But it's rare once the line has been crossed, almost unique to the forum, other experiments of limited bets have been reported to lead to less limited bets.

Take care,

CW

WCID wrote:

Cynical wife I really get what you're saying, in my sons case I don't know if it's a need, but the need has greatly reduced and I do keep a monthly eye on his credit file and probably always will along with regular chats with him and with his girlfriend who is in charge of their accounts. What I was trying to say as in Dans post it takes 5 years for someone to be in remission from an illness, if my son continues as he is for another 5 years does that mean he will have a better chance at carrying on as he is. Just a thought. Stopping outright didn't work for him, greatly reducing it has though. i know he doesn't chase his £10 or £20 if he looses, he walks away til the following week. Is that willpower? Is it a want? Is it a time bomb? It's deffinataly a positive change to his addiction. It's always a worry it must be a worry for you as well, with your husband , if he wanted to and if he was able to do you think he would? That in itself is like a ticking time bomb. - wcid

Cynical wife's summing up is brilliant in my humble opinion. Compulsuve gambling is recognised as an addiction, progressive in its nature so maybe yes he can control it, but then i place my own experience in the mix and I know how I would be in this situation.

If I was you would I be worried? Very much so, but equally it feels the only thing you can do is hunker down and protect yourself from what hopefully will never happen. Just don't leave yourself exposed.

Having just passed 1000 days of not gambling on this site, i'll offer my experience on the time issue. Yes abstinence can make a difference for some depending on how addictive their gambling was but i'd still not trust myself if i was in action. I hope for your sake this is it and he's reached his rock bottom. tri

Guys I would highly recommend Allen Carrs book on gambling addiction. His theory (which I think has good basis) is that you don't need willpower to stop gambling as that implies that gambling gives you a pleasure and/or crutch and that giving it up will therefore be a sacrifice which requires willpower.

Reading his book has helped me realise that gambling has never provided me any real pleasure just pain and misery so helps try and remove the desire and urge to gamble in the first place (no urge means no willpower required to fight those urges)!

I'm not saying it's worked as I'm only 11 days GF but def worth a read for a fresh perspective on how to approach quitting if nothing else!

interested to hear other people's thoughts on this thought process?