I'm not sure where to begin and apologies if this is out of order. My son is 38 years old and has been gambling in some form or another since high school. I've paid his debts off. I've cleaned up his messes repeatedly. I've cosigned for him, helped him get a job, bailed him out of jail for a variety of minor offenses, gotten him lawyers for various things, and yes, paid his rent and car, provided money for food, and put a roof over his head.
He has no credit, car is in disrepair and not worth fixing, and he lives in our rental unit. He owes tens of thousands to the IRS, has gambled hundreds of thousands away, and has nothing but "things" that he's collected over the years. He's not violent and comes off as a good-looking and personable guy but he is an addict through and through.
Three years ago, he was being evicted. Long story short, he called said, through tears, that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. I convinced him to get to our house and we'd get him to rehab, which we did. After a year in rehab and a halfway house, where I later learned that he was still gambling, we flew him to be near us. We gave him a job, a place to live rent-free, and a car to drive so he could "get back on his feet."
Today, he has no job, owes more money than he did before, including another 20k to us, and has shown no motivation to get and hold a real job. He is college educated and capable of working.
I have suggested counseling, therapy, GA, family counseling, everything and anything. He always says he's good, doesn't need it or - when he gets into trouble and needs $$ - he'll say yes, of course, I'll get help. Does he? No.
He's been driving for Uber for four weeks and now his car is in the shop. We let him borrow $2500 two weeks ago for repairs on his car, which is barely worth that, just so he could keep working. We knew it was the wrong thing to do but the alternative was to have the hard discussion with him and we just weren't ready. Our deal was that he had to begin setting money aside for a new car because this one is on its last leg AND to seek a real full-time job. Two weeks later, it's in the shop again. It's been three days. He's gone silent. We are at another cross roads here.
We either lend him money to get a new car and continue to let him live rent-free in exchange for his "promise" that he will finally find a real full-time job OR we say that's it. If we do that, he will have to find someone to take him in or help him or he will literally be homeless. Our family has been supportive across the board but we all know not to give him money. All of us except my husband (his step-dad) and I apparently.
I don't know what to do. I know that I shouldn't enable him. He has threatened suicide in the past and I'm certain that he will again - maybe even go through with it. I hope that someone who's been there and is wiser and better informed than I am right now can help guide me and give me strength.
I really feel like we have two options. One - keep on doing the same and nothing changes or two - I roll the dice that he will end up dead on the street or take his own life. I'm going to submit this now without re-reading it 1000 times or I'm going to lose the nerve to share.
THANK YOU for reading and thank you for your support.
i would say although it's tough to let him fend for himself......you've got to let him go do it for himself.
No more money for him..,.
He's 38 for god's sake....
Once u stop bailing him out it might make him grow up a bit?
Sorry a bit harsh but that's my opinion.
I would stop giving him money immediately. It’s strange how many times a car needs fixing, especially if you give him the money to pay for it. I wonder if it would have the same amount of problems if you went with him to the garage and paid for it to be fixed rather than give him the money.
I cannot remember the amount of times that I needed money for something rather than having that “problem” sorted by someone else. I was an addict and all I cared about was getting money to be able to gamble. I was also a compulsive liar which meant even I didn’t know what was the truth and what was a lie. I believed what I was saying. I also would ask for help to get what I wanted.
I don’t believe it’s about age, but more responsibility, and if you don’t make him responsible for his behaviour, he will never learn and never get to the point where he has had enough. He will take everything you have and then discard you when it’s all gone. The addiction doesn’t care and is insatiable.
I understand the threats he has made but his behaviour and his choice of action are on him. Easier said than done I know, but suicide or self harm is a common thought for a lot of problem gamblers. It doesn’t mean we do it or try it. It’s a thought but also a threat to others to coerce them to our way of thinking.
I go back to the money again, you can pay for everything, food so he doesn’t starve, his rent (if it’s one of your own rentals), whatever he needs, but you don’t need to put money in his account or in his hand.
What you can’t do is make him go to GA or rehab and expect it to work. Unfortunately he has to have had enough and want to get well. Once he’s at that point he can start getting better, because he is ill, and he can turn his life around. You need to be hard though and see through the stories and lies and let him fall.
You said you have two options. There’s a third. You let him be responsible for his life and he gets better.
Only when I hit a rock bottom could I start to rebuild my life. I don’t know his rock bottom but he will.
Good luck.
Chris.
@adam123 Harsh is ok. I appreciate all opinions. Thank you.
@chris-uk Thank you very much for your valuable insights. I appreciate your advice and your experience. I also wish you the best in your days ahead. Bravo for getting help!!!
Hello Jackie and Welcome
Now you need to take deep breath because you need to start again with this following the correct advice.
Your son is an ill person that needs to get better....not a bad person trying to be good.
A gambling addiction is a drug addiction and you should tell him that you love him but no more serious money beyond a bus fare or an interview shirt for which he provides receipts
Food parcels is all he should be getting and he should be reaching out for all the help he needs.
Its not your fault but your actions have kept him in the gambling mode because he will see you as the bank of mum and dad as an addict.
Gambling has consequences and although you won't let him starve he needs REALITY CHECKS that life doesn't owe him his next fix.
I'm desperately sorry but there is a point where he makes his own way if he won't listen and seek help..It's the ultimatum or ultimate reality check that must be faced!!
Love help and extreme discipline is what he needs but you can't actually help him unless he is ready. He needs to reach out for a born again moment because gambling kills people to be blunt about it.
You simply can not be throwing good money after bad because an addict will clean you out ....he doesn't mean it...he's not doing all this with an evil laugh.....it's a mental illness and you need to see past the stigma of this
I'm afraid he may have to see it tougher and you will have to show a brand if tough love...it appears you have been paying rent car expenses etc etc etc
Gosh can I come and live with you!...do you see my point??
Like it or not we work and spend what we have left....I understand what's in your son's mind....I've been there and much of it is a self destruction course and depressive illness
Only he will take your family down with him because he is an addict.....it's not an isolated illness....it takes loved ones on the hell ride because friends have often walked away by then and you can't blame them.
He can be helped but is he truly ready?
Be proactive and get medical services therapists involved.....he needs a gentle push through the gamblers anonymous door.
You need to monitor ALL his money....are you ready for this journey because you will need support and counselling also.
Ring Gamcare again and the forum is here.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
@jackie I stopped gambling completely for a few years and I find myself wanting to go back even though I know what it’s done to me in the past. Fortunately, I have never had an online account and don’t want to get one. I have also never got out any loans but I always lose everything I have and can never save any money.
I went in to the bookmakers with a friend last week whilst he went to put a football bet on. I ended up going on the machines. I put hundreds in which I didn’t intend to spend.
I can feel myself getting into old habits even though I really don’t want to. When I went back the other day after winning the night before I told myself over and over I wasn’t going to go in. The next day I was sat playing again.
Does anyone else feel like they have been in this situation and what’s the best way to go about it.
Thank you very much for your valuable insights. I appreciate your advice and your experience. I also wish you the best in your days ahead. Bravo for getting help!!!
Hi Jackie,
Welcome to the forum.
Inam so sorry to learn of your issues with your son and his gambling addiction.
You have been incredibly supportive but now I think it’s time to let him find his own way and perhaps experience the pain of that without your financial support.
I am a gambling addict in recovery and a frw days short of 3 years without gambling. I had to put the work in. Your son has to put the work in and he’s clearly not done that. You deserve a life. You deserve to be happy.
He’ll find his way.
I wish him well and I wish you future peace and happiness.
RR
My son too is in the same boat. His father gave give him till december 1 to move out after he stole from him a number of times. I don't live with his father and we don't get on...my son has been quite absent and verbally abusive to me since I said I would support him if he sought help...I've been saying that for over a year because, since then, he seemed to be in a relapse, isolated, in debt, lying, bad mood. He says that he's not gambling, I know better.
He is a wonderful person when he is not gambling and I love him with all my heart, and I've bailed him out again and again. Now, I think that if he doesn't choose to deal with his addiction, there is nothing I can do. He may ask to move in with me, once he can no longer live with his father (no money, no job, etc.), but I am not going to agree to that if he does not get help. I can't bear to imagine him homeless...but he has been free from many of the devastating consequences because I have bailed him out and given him food, shelter, clothing, cigarettes, and have sometimes paid his debts. Now, once again, he has huge debts...he's 33. I hope he chooses to get help and see how wonderful he is and how insidious and destructive this addiction is. It is the hardest thing to say no
I'm not sure where to begin and apologies if this is out of order. My son is 38 years old and has been gambling in some form or another since high school. I've paid his debts off. I've cleaned up his messes repeatedly. I've cosigned for him, helped him get a job, bailed him out of jail for a variety of minor offenses, gotten him lawyers for various things, and yes, paid his rent and car, provided money for food, and put a roof over his head.
He has no credit, car is in disrepair and not worth fixing, and he lives in our rental unit. He owes tens of thousands to the IRS, has gambled hundreds of thousands away, and has nothing but "things" that he's collected over the years. He's not violent and comes off as a good-looking and personable guy but he is an addict through and through.
Three years ago, he was being evicted. Long story short, he called said, through tears, that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. I convinced him to get to our house and we'd get him to rehab, which we did. After a year in rehab and a halfway house, where I later learned that he was still gambling, we flew him to be near us. We gave him a job, a place to live rent-free, and a car to drive so he could "get back on his feet."
Today, he has no job, owes more money than he did before, including another 20k to us, and has shown no motivation to get and hold a real job. He is college educated and capable of working. Combining work and study is not easy. He uses this https://papersowl.com/blog/nutrition-research-paper-topics service with research topics for nutrition students, which has helped me tremendously!
I have suggested counseling, therapy, GA, family counseling, everything and anything. He always says he's good, doesn't need it or - when he gets into trouble and needs $$ - he'll say yes, of course, I'll get help. Does he? No.
He's been driving for Uber for four weeks and now his car is in the shop. We let him borrow $2500 two weeks ago for repairs on his car, which is barely worth that, just so he could keep working. We knew it was the wrong thing to do but the alternative was to have the hard discussion with him and we just weren't ready. Our deal was that he had to begin setting money aside for a new car because this one is on its last leg AND to seek a real full-time job. Two weeks later, it's in the shop again. It's been three days. He's gone silent. We are at another cross roads here.
We either lend him money to get a new car and continue to let him live rent-free in exchange for his "promise" that he will finally find a real full-time job OR we say that's it. If we do that, he will have to find someone to take him in or help him or he will literally be homeless. Our family has been supportive across the board but we all know not to give him money. All of us except my husband (his step-dad) and I apparently.
I don't know what to do. I know that I shouldn't enable him. He has threatened suicide in the past and I'm certain that he will again - maybe even go through with it. I hope that someone who's been there and is wiser and better informed than I am right now can help guide me and give me strength.
I really feel like we have two options. One - keep on doing the same and nothing changes or two - I roll the dice that he will end up dead on the street or take his own life. I'm going to submit this now without re-reading it 1000 times or I'm going to lose the nerve to share.
THANK YOU for reading and thank you for your support.
Some parents in similar situations have found strength in setting firm boundaries while offering their love and support. You might consider working with a therapist or support group that specializes in dealing with loved ones' addiction issues. Support groups like Gam-Anon (for families and friends of gamblers) can be a game-changer. They offer guidance on navigating these incredibly hard choices while focusing on your mental health too.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
