nI've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he had a big win and changed his job (that he didnt enjoy but didnt want to admit) about a year and a half in, he then got into a problem but didnt tell anyone for a whil he then admited he had a problem. He was in debt and his family and me having no idea gave money to pay off his debt. Its been a year of relapses and hes gone to counceling but it got expensive and he didnt think it helped. He said hed get better when changing jobs about 3 times he changed to a good job had a relapse again and won a lot twice and lost it all again. My perents found out id given him over £3000 to help and their views of him completely changed and they dont want to know him, this was last May, this REALLY gets to me, he does make me happy, we have argued because of things connected to the addiction but i know its an illness, They dont want to even try to understnand it for me and ultimately no matter what happens with my boyfriend they have pushed me far away because of their atitude, they know he isnt a bad person. His own parents have said maybe the relationship isn't good for him, thinking of reasons to his addiction when the addiction is the reason for everything in his life suffering. I dont know what to do, i stil live with my parents at the momment but i feel i need to move out as soon as i can so i can live my own life without them judging me and questioning me and treating my like a little girl that doesnt know what shes doing, i know he has a problem and im not naive about it and how bad it is. How can i make them realise that i want to make it work that he makes me happy, i have had horrible nasty boyfriend in the past, he is a lovely guy with a problem, they seem to not realise this, that the arguments are because of his adiction arent a sign we should split but jst normal with gambling problem. Im really srtrugling, right now they think Im not with him because we argued and my sister told them, so does his parents they say im better off without him that i can do better, they dont deal with hid mental state very well, im at the point im scared of what to do? If i make it clear im still with him will they all have a go at me and make me feel stupid, i shouldnt have to deal with that like im doing something wrong should i? Has anyone else been through this??
It sounds like gambling is causing a lot of heartache for you & it's good that he isn't hiding his gambling however the general advice is that giving money to a gambler only allows them to carry it on. If he has a good job then it must be a serious addiction for him to be needing money from you & as a parent i can totally understand why they would have a low opinion of him about this.
You don't have to be a bad person to be a bad influence & to drag people down with you.
I don't mean to sound harsh but what is he doing to combat his gambling issues? I can see why you want your parents to like your partner but it works both ways, respect is earned & he should be doing something to combat the gambling demon.
him for homida nihelo I now dont send him money, he is still paying me back but he had a relapse 2 weeks ago he had been doing £50 a week not telling anyone. He has a had couciling but it didnt seem to help him maybe he was the wrong type of counclior i dont know, he used to call ga but im not sure if he still does now he gets to a good place and stops i think. He has now given his finances to his mum to take the pressure of knowing where to send his money to and so he can try to enjoy his life again he seemed to struggle with being young and not enjoying himself when the first year we had a holiday to america and city breaks and now there is nothing, soemthing my parents mentioned and i honestly dont mind not having holiday im not with him for holidays. They are convinced he will never get through it and i dont like that atitude. If it was me in this position fbey wouldnt be saying i was a bad person would they? I find it all hard with people with opinions and not having support. He helped me through a lot in the past not addiction but helped me be myself after some bad relationships with bad guys. I want to help him without being judged like im stupid for doing it. Maybe id be better as his friend for now until hes better i sometimes think? But then there are a lot of people that will ask why we split up and if we get back together more questions. And im scared it wont be a good thing for him or that i will loose him for good 🙁
Your parents are right. he won't get through it unless he wants to and at the moment he doesn't.
You might not mind things like no holidays right now but is this what you want your future to be? What about a few years down the line when there may not be the money for food or rent?
Your parents aren't trying to control you they just want the best for you. Read up on the addiciton and where it leads when it goes unchecked then think carefully about what you want and deserve. Put yourself first. All the time he's gambling he won't.
Spot on Lethe, the Gambling won't stop until he wants it to. I've had 15 years gambling and lost a fortune. Time came for me was when I was taking my kids birthday money for gambling. Now That's lower than low and that's where it could end up. Everything 2nd to the demon.
You seem to have moved from one abusive relationship to the next, hence your parents' concern. Would you prefer for them to be totally indifferent?
As a parent myself and the wife of a CG, your post absolutely horrifies me. Your parents' problem is that you need to help yourself and if you won't heed advice and warnings, you'll have to just keep heading for disaster until you are prepared to help yourself.
If you read round the forum, you'll see the reality of where gambling ends up. Dishonesty, broken relationships, broken people. Criminal acts (in some cases) and prison. Homelessness. Debt and financial instability. It's an addiction.
Your bf is not some tortured soul who is marvellous if only he didn't gamble behind your back, persuade you to give him money, mislead you, blame everything apart from himself as to why he bets. But he's not that marvellous because he does all of these things. He would be well advised to accept responsibility for his betting and you would be well advised to stop buying into his excuses.
Focus on you, think about what you expect from a life partner and why. And what you expect from your parents and what they expect from you and why.
CW
Hi. I'm the mum of a compulsive gambler. My son was with his girlfriend for 7 years so I've seen things not only from my families side but her and her families.I Understand you want to help and support your boyfriend but that only works if he wants recovery and to me it's obvious he doesn't. Nothing you ever say or do will make him stop, it's all down to him. Compulsive gamblers are incredibly manipulative and will have you convinced that black is white, they're also very selfish and while active their next bet comes before anyone, and that includes you. Your parents are not picking on you, they are justifiably worried and I'm sorry to say but your boyfriend will be using that tension between you and your parents to his advantage. We'd made our son leave several times a very difficult and painful decision but had no choice, the last time a few weeks ago and he will not becoming back this time. His exgirlfriend is a lovely girl we got on very well but gradually over time when we'd either thrown him out or he hadn't got his own way he'd managed to convince her we were bad parents and she believed him, classic manipulation. Her parents were starting to see a change in her and they pretty much had the same opinion about my son as does your parents with your boyfri end. much like you, her parents didn't undrstand etc, and I even tried to talk to her but no we all just didnt want to help or support him. A few months after he' d emptied her bank account yet again, she finished with him for good. He'd stolen from her and us many times. Compulsive gambling is progressive, it always gets worse and destroys families and relationships along the way. Your parents love you and if they didn't worry and tell you their concerns they'd wouldn't be doing their job. Im going to be blunt, stop seeing them as the bad guys and listen properly to what they have to say. I once told my sons girlfriend to leave him because I knew the misery he was causing, and if you were my daughter I'd be saying exactly the same to you. I love my son as much as ever but he's a compulsive gambler and so is your boyfriend. Get yourself plenty of support and learn as much as you can about the addiction, this forum will give you a good idea of what life will be like . Take care of you
Hi Ea
I am a parent who has been dealing with family membe the same problem as you and your parents. Gambling is a problem that none of us expect to have to deal with and so when we are faced with it we know little about the addiction and how to handle it. You obviously love your boyfriend and want to help him and you still need your family as well. My advice at the moment is to stay living with your parents and not to get financially involved with your boyfriend while he is gambling. The worst thing you can do is bail him out and he has already taken a good chunk from you which would have helped to secure a deposit on a flat etc. I can see that your parents are concerned and they can see your future ahead is not looking good or secure if you leave now. You can still stay at home with mum and dad and at the same time try and help your boyfriend kick the habit. Ring the counsellors on here and read as many posts on here. It is a case of you perhaps learning as much as possible about the problem and advice like self exclusion from online and bookies, debt advice. Get all the info together, talk to your parents about it and then sit your boyfriend down and talk it over with him. If he really wants to commit to you he will abide by your rules of getting help before moving on with the relationship and maybe offer to moniter his finances. It is really hard but you have to be firm and not lend him money. You really have to look after yourself and your finances and think very carefully about your future. I can tell you your parents will be really worried about you at the moment so please talk to them because you will need lots of support with all of this.
Good luck
Hi Ea,
Just reading through your thread and the advice that has been given is excellent. Thia situation will sadly only get worse provided your bf has no intention of quitting. In a relationship sense, if something is causing a problem, it is tackled together to find a solution otherwise the relationship gets worse over time until it is over. Unless you are willing to settle for a very selfish, wreckless and eventually deceitful and unrealiable guy, I'd read the advice. After arguments and distance caused between your families, if he is not willing to stop and put this right, then all of the charm, thoughtfulness and happiness he may be radiating is all a part of the gamblers beguiling nature. On the surface a gambler can be the charismatic charmer, hiding his feelings but who knows what kind of destruction lays under the surface. If you were my daughter, I'd ask you what he'd say if you asked him to give up gambling and repair the problems (and pay you back!)? If he didn't agree to that in a heartbeat, he doesn't value your relationship enough to change. Don't give him any more money, think of yourself. Don't bail him out or feed his addiction. If he doesn't want to change as addiction can be beaten, then decide if you can live with very little money, not knowing what he is up to and a relationship with no trust! That is what gambling has in store for you.
Take care, Abet
I am married to a compulsive gambler we have 1 son and a baby on the way. Life is very hard and at times I can't stop crying. Im still young but feel about 100. Gambling has took everything from us all and even though he is off it at the moment the chances are he will do it again. Although I wouldn't give up my son for the world, if I could speak to my younger self I would tell her to run for the hills. You have so many opportunities here to walk away from the misery gambling causes. You don't share a home or finances or children with this man yet (these are all things that make it more complicated as time goes on) my own mum cried the other day telling me she wanted so much more for me. As a parent I understand that and I understand how yours feel. Your partner may be lovely in every other way but this is a huge thing. It's not my place to tell you to leave, I know that, but I think you should. He doesn't seem in any way willing to stop and things can become so much worse so quickly that you don't realise it's happened til it's too late. I really wish you the best x
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