Hi, I am new to the forum. I guess I only realised mum had a proper gambling addiction this year. I've always been aware for years she likes to go on fruit mashines and the casino but it was only this year that I actually came to the realisation.
I have a 1 year old baby and am now 8 months pregnant with the next one. I went back to work for a short time and mum said she would look after the baby. My husband and I were grateful and said we would help her with petrol money. Well this is the worst thing we could have said. I get daily messages asking to transfer the petrol money! She is the only person I know that seems to spend hundreds of pounds a week on petrol??!!
She has always asked to borrow money from me and if I don't she says she will have to P**n her phone or can't have dinner. She is now living in a caravan and always seems to have a problem with her bank not updating or no petrol etc. Her partner is a gambling addict to and although earns good money never has any.
I don't earn a lot of money in my little part time job and have now gone onto stat mat pay and I couldn't handle her asking me for petrol money all the time. She also tried to blackmail me saying if I didn't transfer her money she wasn't coming to look after the baby. The next day she didn't turn up and I couldn't go to work. I coyldnt get to the bank as my 1 year old has had hip surgery! She seems to make me feel guilty for her life choices and gets annoyed with me if I don't give her money or buy her cigarettes :/ I know I cannot help her as she won't admit her problem but what else can I do? I just want the children to have a normal nan that they can spent time with.
I just wanted to add this is just the lastest of events. Mum has been homeless, living with friends, had a flat etc for the past 8 years. She has constantly had no money and at times very manipulative. She seems to make 'new friends' a lot and I have even had one of them knock at my door saying she owes her money but can't get hold of her. I didn't even know the lady! She goes to the casino near enough every night as she gets 'free' food and drinks and plays online every day. I never begrudged giving her the petrol money but she always seemed to want it transferred (so she could play online) and I don't have online banking so I had to go into the bank. It's very difficult as I enjoy her company sometimes but most of the time she talks about having no money or other people etc. Even at Christmas she didn't buy us any gifts she gave my husband a free gift from the casino she got and said she would get me something when she had some money. To which I obviously said dont worry of corse.
Hi Pink_123,
Well done for posting on the Forum. Really sorry to hear about the situation with your mom, it sounds really challenging and it sounds like it has been affecting you more intelnsly lately.
I would recommend that if you haven't done so yet call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or our Netline here. The service is available 8AM to Midnight 365 days a year.
In the meantime I would recommend that you stop giving your mom any money, this will just enable her to carry on gambling. I appreciate this is not necessarily easy to communicate and follow through, but it is important that you start setting some boundaries in your (and ultimately your mom's) interest.
Keep posting and have a look at other posts in this section, you will find a lot of support and advice.
All the best,
Eva
Forum Admin
Hi pink sorry that you're here, it must be very difficult watching your mother live like this. You're right you can't stop her. As Eva said don't give her money. Ways around this are going with her to fill up on petrol, buy food for her etc. Realistically she is unreliable and in the grip of addiction if she's willing to blackmail you. For things to change you have to change. Think about you and what you want. It seems her addiction is fooling her to think it pays for dinner at the casino. You have to be clear about your limits. No more bank transfers no more money. If you want to help her that's what you have to do. Call gamcare or go to a gamanon meeting. Ask questions here.
Thank you for posting back 🙂 I agree with the not giving her any money bit a lot of the time I don't it was just because I felt I had to as she was looking after the baby but when I actually spoke to a close friend I realised that's what nans do they look after the grandchildren and she said her mom wouldn't ask her for money. It's a very difficult situation as I enjoy seeing her sometimes (when she seems normal) then other times I literally go and see her and she sits on her phone and tell me she can't do anything because she has no money and is depressed :/ I have approached the subject before about the gambling but she gets very defensive and almost tells me off. She says don't be stupid and makes excuses. She is very good at making me feel bad. I think you are right I think now I have actually realised it is the gambling that has changed her I have to change my behaviour with her. I'm not sure how to do that without pushing her away??
Hi pink, gambling and any addiction causes all those things. Depression, personality changes, moodiness, denial. She doesn't want to stop because she can't see life without it. You won't push her away, she's doing that herself. You can set boundaries though. It's not a crime to tell someone you know they're gambling and it's affecting your relationship. You don't have to stop seeing her, just stop giving her money.
She's not going to stop tapping your funds all the time you're handing them over and doing so is enabling her gambling.
Are the costs she's demanding in line with your own calculations? If not, revise them down to the true figure then give her fuel vouchers. If she complains regulated childcare would be substantially cheaper than subsiding a gambling addiction.
You can't save her. You can't reason with her. Protect yourself.
Thank you for your replies. I stopped work early and went onto maternity leave as I couldn't handle being blackmailed. I gave her prob a little more than what the fuel would actually cost so not loads over. It wasn't the money it was the hundred of messages I would get with the guilt trip. Aside from that I get a few messages a month saying can I lend her £100 for this £150 for that, things like rent, food, gas etc otherwise she will have to pawn her phone etc. A lot of the time I don't really have that spare and I say no but then she keeps asking and then asks again on pay day. I'm not going to lend her any money anymore. The problem I have is that I am finding it hard to set the boundaries and she is very very good at manipulating. I have caught her out lying a few times too sometimes really stupid things?? Without pushing her away I am finding it hard as when I speak to her one day she will be on top of the world 'let's go for coffee' and good company and the next time will be that she is so depressed she has not money the weather is rubbish etc etc! She is the more depressed state and I guess prob happy as she has won?? It is such a terrible addition gambling it totally destroys people and unfortunately she cannot see it and is in denial and lives for the day not the future. I just can't see her changing I really can't. It is hard because it is a massive time in my life where having a baby and having another you usually have the support from family but I don't. I think I have accepted that now. I would like to give the helpline a call maybe just advise of how to communicate with her and set the boundaries. I am very lucky I have a lovely husband. I guess if anyone on here is a recovered gambling addict and suggests anything else or someone that has similar situation please feel free to post. Thank you for everyone's post it really helps to talk about it.
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