Am I doing the right thing?

It's an addiction mate. The frustration etc is all caused by it.

Depends how much you want to help him if it was my kid then I'd try to get him through it. Everyone kicking him out won't be helping. Has he ever been violent towards kids?

There's a lot of people on here with a lot of good advice who have done this. I would imagine taking him in or getting him some where safe to stay being main concern. Then taking control of his finances , getting him counselling, and getting him in a debt payment plan. All the above is free by way pal and people on here will be able to get you the constant numbers.

I know from personal expierence and being homesless my "father" refused to even buy me a jumper when I was frozen on streets at 14. I just didn't fit into his lifestyle.

So from prevouse experience, homelessness and more importantly not having any way to back you leads to getting into wrong groups and your life getting a lot worse.

He's a gambler, he hasn't murdered any one , he hasn't committed any crime just look at it as the sickness it is and it may help mate

Only advice

Thanks, that is helpful Blownitagaib

Mate I'm by no means a guru and there's a lot and I mean a lot of people that can give you a lot better advice!

There's not just counselling and groups for him mate they run them for family etc to help you to advise you and to back you through it. It's not easy and it took some nuts to come on here and ask for advice mate so FairPlay to you.

Hi Bongo, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sorry to hear about your predicament but I would suggest it's rather irrelevant whether he has been violent towards anyone. You threw him a lifeline & he blew it. I'm not saying that it is easy to put your lad out but this is intrinsically linked to the other issues he has had & until he accepts proper help to face his addiction, he's going to struggle. If the other issues have stopped, then he had traded addiction, if they haven't, you supporting a 19 year old with drink & drug problem would put a huge strain on your household. You would need to lay down some very strict ground rules in regards to him handing over his finances so that you don't end up taking food out of the mouths of your little ones & attending meetings (be that GA/NA/AA or counselling) but I agree you are right to protect them.

As Blown says, getting support for you is vital, often the best intentions are the easiest to manipulate. Just because he's not living with you doesn't mean you can't support him mentally, & hopefully you taking these steps has pushed him to rock bottom so he will hopefully reach out & accept what help is out there.

I wish you all every strength - ODAAT

Hi,

I would completely disagree with the advice that you've been given in Post 2 above.

Addiction is progressive, unchecked the only way is down. Most people do not throw a son out of the house without a lot of soul searching and agonising. They only do it with great reluctance when they sincerely believe that allowing him to stay in the house is worse than insisting that he goes. It takes extreme behaviour and circumstances to get that far but unchecked, a gambling addiction will bring about that behaviour and those circumstances. You've mentioned yourself that your son's behaviour is not what you'd want in your house.

I would advise you to focus at all times on what's best for you and your family. It's vital to be able to set minimum and basic boundaries and to enforce them, otherwise you'll get caught up in the chaos of the addict behaviour. It's your house and your rules and you get to decide what you will tolerate. If your son chooses not to abide by your rules, then the consequences of his choices follow as they have with his mother and sisters. He's responsible for his own actions and ensuring that the responsibility stays with him doesn't make you the baddie. He does have choices, he may have the compulsion to gamble but he doesn't have to follow it through. The help is out there if he chooses to take it. But "anything goes" will quickly become disasterous for anyone caught up in it.

Echo the advice to use GC's Helpline and counselling, also to try GamAnon meetings. Your problem isn't how to stop your son gambling, it's how you deal with the effect that he's having on you.

The other suggestion is that as far as possible, the family present a united front. It's not going to help for your son to get conflicting messages from his parents or other family members.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

ODAAT wrote:

Hi Bongo, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sorry to hear about your predicament but I would suggest it's rather irrelevant whether he has been violent towards anyone. You threw him a lifeline & he blew it. I'm not saying that it is easy to put your lad out but this is intrinsically linked to the other issues he has had & until he accepts proper help to face his addiction, he's going to struggle. If the other issues have stopped, then he had traded addiction, if they haven't, you supporting a 19 year old with drink & drug problem would put a huge strain on your household. You would need to lay down some very strict ground rules in regards to him handing over his finances so that you don't end up taking food out of the mouths of your little ones & attending meetings (be that GA/NA/AA or counselling) but I agree you are right to protect them.

As Blown says, getting support for you is vital, often the best intentions are the easiest to manipulate. Just because he's not living with you doesn't mean you can't support him mentally, & hopefully you taking these steps has pushed him to rock bottom so he will hopefully reach out & accept what help is out there.

I wish you all every strength - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT, still trying to sort payment plans, GA which is local with a simultaneous family version and provide details of how he can sort his housing problem out. No sure yet how much of this he will do yet, it's early days and thanks for your advice!

Cynical wife wrote:

Hi,

I would completely disagree with the advice that you've been given in Post 2 above.

Addiction is progressive, unchecked the only way is down. Most people do not throw a son out of the house without a lot of soul searching and agonising. They only do it with great reluctance when they sincerely believe that allowing him to stay in the house is worse than insisting that he goes. It takes extreme behaviour and circumstances to get that far but unchecked, a gambling addiction will bring about that behaviour and those circumstances. You've mentioned yourself that your son's behaviour is not what you'd want in your house.

I would advise you to focus at all times on what's best for you and your family. It's vital to be able to set minimum and basic boundaries and to enforce them, otherwise you'll get caught up in the chaos of the addict behaviour. It's your house and your rules and you get to decide what you will tolerate. If your son chooses not to abide by your rules, then the consequences of his choices follow as they have with his mother and sisters. He's responsible for his own actions and ensuring that the responsibility stays with him doesn't make you the baddie. He does have choices, he may have the compulsion to gamble but he doesn't have to follow it through. The help is out there if he chooses to take it. But "anything goes" will quickly become disasterous for anyone caught up in it.

Echo the advice to use GC's Helpline and counselling, also to try GamAnon meetings. Your problem isn't how to stop your son gambling, it's how you deal with the effect that he's having on you.

The other suggestion is that as far as possible, the family present a united front. It's not going to help for your son to get conflicting messages from his parents or other family members.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

Thanks, that's realy helpful advice, so hard not to feel like the baddie here when, you're right, it is his responsibility to sort out and I will do what I can to support him, that doesn't necessarily mean giving him a roof over his head and subjecting me and, more importantly, those that live with me, to his behavior, which would put more than significant strain on the family unit here. Thank you!

Sounds like he needs something drastic loke Gordon Moodys

Hi Bongo. I'm the mum of a son who is a compulsive gambler who isn't much older than your son, so I totally understand. Like Cynical Wife I to have to disagree with the 2nd post. We have made our son leave several times we have again a few weeks ago and I can say with absolute certainty he won't be coming back this time. To get to this point is agonising, an extremely hard and painful decision and you do everything to avoid it. I don't think your sons mum threw him out over debts, it's the lies, manipulation, selfishness remoteness a whole list of cg behaviours that make living with a cg so hard. I understand how much you want to support your son but it doesn't look like he's ready for recovery and nothing you say or do will make him want it. As Cynical Wife said it's progressive, it will get worse I never thought it possible that my once sweet gentle son would turn into what he is now, our family won't ever be the same again. I'm so sorry I can't be positive but this is the reality of compulsive gambling and you need to give it some serious thought about what you do next. I'd start with calling Gamcare great advice and support and can arrange counselling for you, his mum or anyone else affected, I highly recommend it, also Gamanon is excellent. Learn as much as you can, reading round this forum is invaluable.