Hi
Can anyone offer some advice. I've been with my partner for 6 years and a year in I found out about his 15 year gambling addiction when I came across £8000 of debt! I bailed him out and thought things had improved but to cut a long story short there's been 4 big episodes of gambling debt and a child in the middle of it! After episode 3 I said if it happened again we were finished.... But it did! I found out 9 months ago about episode 4 but didn't follow my threat through. We've been trying to get over it for 9 months with him attending GA and me having Gamcare counselling and me continuing to control the finances but I just can't get past the lies, the deceit and the loss of trust. We argue constantly and over Christmas he said he was moving out. I agreed it had come to this but then I think he panicked and begged me to let him stay. He's got massive issues from his childhood and has had therapy in the past but I need to protect myself and my kids both financially and psychologically. I own our house and although things will be tight I can manage financially if he moves out.
My question is can things ever get better? I feel as though the threat of gambling will never go away despite him attending GA. I feel very sorry for him as he adores his daughter and says he loves me and he will lose a lot (he has a good job and friends) but I don't know that I can get past this
so your looking for hope? Yes there is plenty of hope there but a person has to want to really want to stop gambling. If he keeps putting the time and effort into stopping gambling there is definately a chance of a new life
Will it ever go away? that depends on how badly gambling has affected him. Some can stop and that's the end of it perhaps but once gambling has become progressive to the point its affecting a person's life it doesn't normally simply go away
Can I ask have you been to any meetings with him either counselling or GA? GA i know allows family members in on 'open' meetings so why not go along to support him plus you'll find out a lot more about how compulsive gambling
There is hope though Rmi
Sometimes I'm looking for hope. Sometimes I'm looking for a way out of all this mess. I haven't been to any GA meetings with him- he's never invited me. I went to a Gamanon meeting and have had Gamcare counselling. He has refused any other counselling until we hit rock bottom this weekend so has agreed to go to Relate together
Hi my husband recently confessed his gambling problem that I knew nothing about and I really would like to know if things can ever get better too. I can't get over the hurt, lies and anger at the moment and I'm not sure I ever will. I do want to but every little issue between us sends me back into angry mode. I am extremely paranoid now and not sure I want to live the rest of my life like that. It's not so much about him and if he stops it's more about if I can ever move on from it or learn to live with it. I do know I will never trust him with money again. I understand the feeling of looking for hope or a way out of all the mess. It seems to me that now my husband has been found out and is seeking help he is on the way up- I now have the burden, lack of trust, disappointment and massive debt to deal with. How is that fair??
Katiecola wrote:
Hi my husband recently confessed his gambling problem that I knew nothing about and I really would like to know if things can ever get better too. I can't get over the hurt, lies and anger at the moment and I'm not sure I ever will. I do want to but every little issue between us sends me back into angry mode. I am extremely paranoid now and not sure I want to live the rest of my life like that. It's not so much about him and if he stops it's more about if I can ever move on from it or learn to live with it. I do know I will never trust him with money again. I understand the feeling of looking for hope or a way out of all the mess. It seems to me that now my husband has been found out and is seeking help he is on the way up- I now have the burden, lack of trust, disappointment and massive debt to deal with. How is that fair??
Its not fair Katie
Compulsive gambling can be a very powerful addiction that gamblers have to want help with to get better. What I can tell you is I've seen a lot of hope of recovery already.
Part of that recovery needs to come from my family as well though. We talk honestly, sometimes with conflict but we try and remember that gambling addiction affects us all. Me with the addiction and them suffering from it.
My family tell me all the time that they needed help dealing with this addiction. They got help from gamtalk, Gamblers Anonymous and Gam-anon. Have you spoken with Gam-anon? They offer counselling to family members which could help, but keep GA / Gam-anon in mind.
Hi thanks for your reply. I am having counselling with break even. But I just feel that no amount of counselling is gonna get the trust back, stop me feeling like a complete mug and make me forget all the lies. I do wanna support him but I just can't get past it all and move forward.
Hi katie your welcome
In my family the trust was broken too BUT we chose we ultimately wanted to stay together. Hasn't been easy and its involved a lot of conversation and honesty from both sides. The starting point was that we wanted it to work. We had to get over the hurdle of being inquisitive, of asking questions and that is and was a huge change. You have the right to ask questions about money, where they've been, how they've been spending their time. Are they open or do they still hide? That is if a person is willing and at that point where they can start their recovery. If they will not that is where you need to make decsions for yourself and to protect yourself...
Many perceive gambling as a selfish act by the gambler however its classified as an addiction which is an illness. Its the same as blaming someone for having cancer but that person would have to want to get better from the cancer so i guess the question from my family is do i want to get better and am i willing to keep showing them that and what am i doing to actively show that tomy family and myself on a daily, monthly and long term basis? today I am. Look at my diary and see what you think.
Hi I have had a look and you are obviously determined to beat this thing which is great. You are doing so well. My husband does say all the right things and seems happy to let me take control but it's early days. I have also read on here many stories of relapses and I realise it's a constant battle. But it's also a constant struggle for me too - to try to be positive and to move forward, not to dwell on the lies, debt etc.
Absolutely Katie
The struggle is for both. Forgiveness isn't easy. This is a long term solution and I'm not about to forget that. Hope you both keep at it.
Katiecola you've struck a chord there with the line 'how fair is that'. I've spend the last few days thinking 'this isn't fair' 'I don't deserve this' and 'this isn't what I signed up for'. I too feel like a complete mug. I wonder how I could have been so stupid and played for such a fool 4 times. I'm angry this weekend!!! I'm angry that I have been lied to, deceived, had my trust broken and my heart broken. And I wish I hadn't let this all go on so long. I wish I'd had a crystal ball that could have told me 9 months down the line I would still be fee lining like this. If so I would have got out sooner. The hurt and resentment hasn't gone away despite him being adamant he hasn't gambled. And now it's much harder to get out.
Triangle I understand addiction is an illness however I strongly disagree with your comparison with cancer. My father has cancer- he can't control it's effects on his body. And he would give anything to get better from it!
Hi Rmi75
Its so hard isn't it? Do you have any positive days when you think that you can move on and try to ignore all the hurt? I have little glimpses of that which I guess gives me some hope. I only discovered the gambling in November so it is very raw still but I know you having been living with this for years and you still feel angry - which to me of course is completely understandable and I worry I will feel the same level of anger too later down the line.
I think going to relate is a positive step forward and proves that you both think your relationship is worth fighting for. I want ours to work but constantly worry that I'm gonna be made a fool of again.
You don't hear of many partners on here with really positive success stories - but I guess if they have managed to move on they wouldn't be on here!
I think for me it's not question of if I can forgive and forget, it's more if I can learn to live with it and I guess only time will tell.
Hi guys sorry just to jump on a thread. My partner is also a cg and I am struggling. Today he has walked out cause he says I am controlling his life and he is blaming me for everything.
The saddest thing is, I don't think I have the strength to try to sort things out with him. We have a two year old daughter and our life and happiness is my priority. I just feel like I can't go on with his lies and his moods.
Rmi75 wrote:
Katiecola you've struck a chord there with the line 'how fair is that'. I've spend the last few days thinking 'this isn't fair' 'I don't deserve this' and 'this isn't what I signed up for'. I too feel like a complete mug. I wonder how I could have been so stupid and played for such a fool 4 times. I'm angry this weekend!!! I'm angry that I have been lied to, deceived, had my trust broken and my heart broken. And I wish I hadn't let this all go on so long. I wish I'd had a crystal ball that could have told me 9 months down the line I would still be fee lining like this. If so I would have got out sooner. The hurt and resentment hasn't gone away despite him being adamant he hasn't gambled. And now it's much harder to get out.
Triangle I understand addiction is an illness however I strongly disagree with your comparison with cancer. My father has cancer- he can't control it's effects on his body. And he would give anything to get better from it!
Firstly no offence was meant Rmi75 i meant absolutely no offence.
I was trying highlight the perception of how gambling addiction may be seen
For an addict who has no control over their illness its something that is equally hard to explain. Yet there are tools that an addict can use to put the illness into remission but it never truely goes away.
Right now I would give anything to keep my illness from returning and I know I need to work so hard on a daily basis to make that happen.
The great thing is there is hope but I had to want it and be willing put the effort in to making it happen
Well a couple of hours ago I went to get a car seat from my partners car. Opened the glovebox and found £300 in there. My world fell apart right there and then. I confronted him and he insisted he hadn't been gambling and said he had been saving to buy me a birthday present next month as I control his finances. The thing is that I've heard all the stories before like the Christmas when I checked his bank account and £400 had been taken out then put back in a couple of days later- 'he was going to buy me some jewellery but then changed his mind' Actually he gambled and then won. So whether it was the truth or not highlighted that actually I'll never know what the truth is. We both agreed our relationship can't continue and he is going to move out.
Im heartbroken.
Im sorry my contribution to this thread can't be positive but my experience now is that gambling destroys everything. I really hope my now ex partner keeps going to GA and can make a life for himself and our daughter that he can be proud of.
And I really hope that you guys on here can see your way forward with or without your partner xx
Hi Rmi75
I just really want to wish you all the very best. In the end you have to do what is right for you and your daughter. I really feel for you. All the best xx
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