Need to start taking responsibility

Update - have made it through day 1 gamble free- am feeling very positive.

Had a good morning watched nature programme with son before school, then Mondays are always busy at work so that was a good distraction!

Am planning to sort out finances later on in the week, need to look at my budget and plan for paying down my debts, but need to make sure I don’t throw too much at it, and leave myself a reasonable amount of disposable income. I feel bad my family miss out on things because of my debt, but need to not use that as an excuse to gamble - one of my biggest problems is chasing loses. I need  to think about the future - a year from now I could be in yet more debt or I could have a years worth of payments paid. I know which position I want to be in.

We have all been there, does your family know about your problem and what you have done.  i too had been gambling for about 6 years I tried to stop twice on my own and only managed a couple of weeks.

This year I had had enough and I knew the only way i could truly get out is to be open and honest, I told them everything, every lie every secret every penny, all the awful things I had done, every one of them was so supportive.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done and for the first two weeks the guilt and shame consumed me, but I honestly believe my motivation to keep going is to not let them down.  I'm only 44 days in but I have not had one urge to gamble since I  came clean.

Put all blocks in place, gamstop, blocked gambling transactions on my bank, cut up my bank card so I cant take cash out and gave myself a £50 apple pay limit.  I get paid, I pay me debts, leave myself £50 for the week, and the rest gores to my partners account.  I believe in myself completely because they do, but I do not trust myself, I am not sure I ever will.

I havn't been this happy and content for such a long long time, the joy in the small things in life is back, no fake smiles, no secret worrying.  Just life.

So if you want to you can and will stop.

Good luck

Thank you -  really good to hear your story and that you are doing so well, it’s great to hear different experiences it really helps me feel less alone in this. 

I’m not in a position to be able to tell my family, but I am very glad to have found this place and will keep checking in for support. 

Day 2 ! And still feeling positive 

Just checking in here to say - day 4 and feeling good !

 I am feeling calmer and happier, and been making plans to start the long overdue big garden sort out over the long weekend.  I am going to need to keep busy over the long weekend, but I am lucky that I have husband and kids around so I can enjoy spending time with them and not waste my precious free time stuck on gambling sites. 

 I always feel better when I am not gambling - not constantly on my phone , and not clock watching for when I can next make a deposit and play. I would sometimes play until I had a migraine , I think unless you know the feeling of getting caught in the gambling trap you can’t explain to people how it becomes a compulsion to keep hitting that button.

Day 11 and still going.  My biggest wobble at the moment is my debt - I keep getting the creeping thought - just do one more try to get your debt covered , but I know this is just the most stupid idea- it will only end in MORE DEBT!!

Right now my level of debt is uncomfortable but manageable - should be gone in 4 years, if I get into any more debt then it’s going to go really really bad with repayments as they will start being unaffordable.

I am definitely not wanting to wish my life away so am not thinking of “get to next year” am just trying to look at the bigger picture of in a year you will be a year closer to being out of debt.

I am also continuing to read all your updates and stories and it really does help.

This forum is an amazing place, I found the recovery diaries helped me in my first couple of weeks, I think sometimes just knowing you are not the problem, it is the disease and it effects thousand of people daily, it helps.  Just keep taking that strength and motivation into each and every day.

I’ve passed the first month mark , as of today I haven’t gambled for 33 days.

It’s interesting because I generally am not missing playing the games , or even the dopamine hits , and I know that would have been 33 days of stress and worry - I would hit the games to forget but then that becomes the main problem so I’m then playing to forget and then don’t want to stop because when I do then I have to face up to what I have done.

 I am dipping in here to read everyone’s stories and help keep myself from falling back in - for me it’s avoiding the “oh I’m fine now , just see if I can get back a little of my losses ” as that will suck me right back in to the cycle. 

One day at a time . And today I’m not going to gamble. 

 Just popping on to say nearly 10 weeks gamble free. 

 My debts have started decreasing instead of increasing and I have disposable income for the first time in months ! 

 I can’t believe that I used to waste hundreds of pounds a month on these stupid online slots , and I would justify it to myself thinking well I like playing the games so at least I’m enjoying that part - absolute madness.

I wouldn’t dream of going out and spending £500 on myself in the shops but I would think nothing of putting that amount into the casinos , and I do get annoyed at myself for all that wasted money but I am getting to grips with the idea that it’s gone now - i think accepting that the money has been spent and gone does help with not falling back into the trap of chasing loses. 

Good news is I haven’t particularly been thinking about gambling and when it does pop in my head it’s passing out again quickly, but I am conscious about not getting too comfortable with the idea that I am now ‘fixed’ , I need to remember that there is no such thing as one little session/ 1 little spin and stick with keeping going with recovery. 

Today I will not gamble. And I won’t tomorrow either. 

Thats amazing 10 weeks without a bet shows it possible i am on day 726 almost 2 years without a bet from being debt and living in poverty to debt free and living a decent life and some savings the issue i am having now is the amount i have lost i cant let go of the regret which i never felt before i feel like why didnt put this same effort into recovery sooner and make these changes i dont have any urgues to gamble and i simply dont want gain a penny from them as i accepted it all been lost, the gambling has affected me and i just want to get into a comfortable situstion early days it was about the debt now that i am on the plus side i want to do alot of stuff which i missed out because of this addiction and i know i will be paying the price i am greatful for remaining gamble free has its better in every aspect however nothing comes for free in this life now that money is needed and will be used for it indeeded purpose i still cant help to think if only i put this dedication from my previous gamble free time i wanted to stop however i wasent given the right support i had the same enegry in 2018 however i only had Ga which i hated i know it my own fault however if i was refered here life would have been different im stuck with this mental truma for the next few years thanx to GA

I am back. Was doing so well, had a relapse just before Christmas but managed to get back on track , but have just had another bad relapse. I am so cross with myself. I’ve just looked at my original posts and my heart sank, I started them just over a year ago and if I had stuck with not gambling I would only have £7,000 to pay off .  Now I have added another £8,000 loan to the bloody debt. For nothing.  And all my own fault. 

Am going to to take a bit of time to get my head straight again , and then come back with a plan.  

I haven’t gambled since yesterday morning. Today I will not gamble. 

Hi Catlady, well done for recognisning the spirraling and coming back onto GamCare. Although none of us want any relapses, the silver lining is that if there are relapses and we can get back on track that we have the opportunity to take the learning out of it, reflect on how the relapse has happened, and make changes to course correct and pick ourselves back up again to move forward. This is all part of the self growth journey. 

I've had a little read back of your posts, and some of what you share resonates with me and my experience. In a nutshell, I have been gambling for 14 years. In more recent years, this has been on and off with stints of non gambling for up to 5-6 months at a time. About two-three years ago I admitted to myself the extent of the problem, and I signed up to Gamstop, but I didn't do enought to protect myself and work on the problems that were causing my addiction. Then I ended back up back in the cycle again this year. This is why I am here now, because I've recognised if I don't do more to work on myself and the problem and go cold-turkey approach then the same cycle is going to happen in half a years time, on and on for me forevermore. I've also been through the cycles with debt, racked up a 5 figure sum in 2018, and managed to clear it with Stepchange, but again because I didn't work on the problem and have enough blocks in place I have again managed to restock the 5 figure sum of debt. I can make any spreadsheets and plans to clear this, but if I don't address the problem I know I will be back there with my spreadsheet again, again and again. 

You mentioned in an earlier post that you weren't in a position to open up to anyone in your life about the gambling, is this still the case? I am in the same boat, with these feelings of how, when, who I can open up to about this and haven't told friends or family about it YET. I've been trying my hardest to integrate into the GamCare community and on the forums and chats, and have also been connected to counselling through GamCare and referred myself for counselling to tackle some other issues which I think are part of the underlying substance which have taken me on a journey to gambling addiction. I've found this connection and speaking out to be really important for me, especially not having told anyone in my circle about it. I do however intend to tell them at some point this year when I feel I have made enough progress on myself to let that circle in. I know I am going to need that for myself, and to get it out in the open, for a future healthier version of me. 

Did you have blocks in place prior to Christmas? Like the gambling blocks on cards, Gamstop, Gamban, trying to make your money less reachable? Previously, although I had registered for Gamstop, I hadn't installed Gamban on my devices and without this I was still able to access offshore casinos. I've bitten the bullet and now installed Gamban as I know if I don't have this the access is ready there for me to return once more to the addiction I really don't want to carry around my neck anymore. 

Wishing you all the very best and hope we can chat a bit more - Fran 🙂

Thank you Fran - your post is really helpful and informative, and appreciated! 

 I do need to get the blocks back in - gambling block back on my bank, and Gamban back - what’s really daft is I got a new phone just before Christmas and didnt add Gamban to it- lesson learned !! 
 
I am not too worried about the off shore ones I’ve been burned with them before (won a few thousand and never saw it ) buty gamcare self exclusion expired and I stupidly took it off, will get signed back up to that , in fact going to do that next . 

i still haven’t told anyone yet, I can’t tell my parents they are pretty vulnerable and it would honestly cause them too much worry.

To be honest it’s the same with my husband, our eldest son has learning difficulties and autism and he spends so much time worrying about him I can’t add to that at the moment. Maybe down the road? But it’s like you say to need to get on top of it first. 

Having this forum here is such a valuable resource, and posters like you Fran make this so much easier -  I am feeling less isolated knowing you are there even though we will never meet in real life just knowing you are there and you ‘get it’ really helps. 

Day 3 

Am doing ok. Have gone through debts and sorted out my monthly budget , will take 5 years to pay off , but this really is it now, i can’t afford anymore debts so I have to stick to zero money wasted on gambling.

One of my big triggers is chasing those losses- I get it into my head that I can just win big just once then I can clear my debts and then thats it, I can be done with gambling forever. Except there is no big win coming. And when I do win all I do is put it back into the slots to try and win more….. it’s so bloody stupid and I know it is. 

And I am happier when I am not gambling , I spend time enjoying myself with my kids and husband , I enjoy cooking again and my garden. I can sleep. 

In 5 years time 60 months will have passed , I can either be in the same position I am in now , or I can be debt free. I have to be debt free. 

Hi Catlady

Are you able to come on the chatrooms on here and talk ? They are text only so no cameras.

I'm sure you know that getting the blocks in place, banking block on gambling transactions and accountability all help

The relapse says to me that you might need to do some work on your mindset as to why you gamble. It's good to know the triggers but what makes you gamble in life to see that safe space as your solution ? Mine has been a combination over the years of escapism from stress, loneliness, depression, boredom and immaturity. For years I struggled to meet life on life's terms which I do now