Can't forgive my lying, cheating husband

Hi Louise 40,

I’m also struggling with the idea of supporting my partner through his gambling. I gave it a go by taking over his finances which he threw back at me by wriggling out of it, lying to my face, borrowing money off my Mum in to pay off debt but ended up gambling more. Suggested attending meetings/counselling as he needs professional help but it doesn’t get taken on board. I find it really sad I have no influence and can be treated like dirt by him after 12 years and two kids but that’s where I am with it. There is no trust. Our kids are 9 and 7 so very aware there are problems. I’d like to be able to help him and support him for our kids sake though, but he’s shown this isn’t going to work at the moment . As much as I feel for him I suspect there is no way back and due to lack of trust our relationship is doomed.

I think perhaps it might depend on what position the gambler is in As to whether support would help them over it anyway? If they’re sick to the teeth of the havoc it’s caused and genuinely had enough then maybe support would be helpful to them . If there is no remorse or will to stop I’d say supporting them and at the expense of your own self respect and feelings would be futile and possibly more damaging as it’d could well get thrown back in your face again by further gambling. It depends how much of this sort of thing you are willing to put up with and also his attitude to getting help.

I think go along with your feelings and opinions and if you you cannot support him at this stage then that’s that and don’t feel bad. Ultimately It’s his mess to get out of not yours. I hope you have support with it. Gamcare have arranged for a councillor for me which helps.

It’s a grim situation to be in especially with kids and I wish you all the best x

Hi louise40 you are doing what is best for you and the children. No one has to stay and put up with that. I don't mean to scare anyone but normally there is more debt than they confess to. Credit reports will show true extent. The thing to remember is you cannot stop a gambler but you can stop paying debts, their share of responsibility. Their misguided attitude to their credit score is an excuse not to stop and seek help. Credit scores can easily be rebuilt once they stop. You can get more credit the more cards, etc if you're making small payments and then payday loans. Therefore they can gamble more. A compulsive gambler is a compulsive liar. Their heads are scrambled. You must protect yourself, your finances. Don't feel guilty for leaving you have valid reason. I stayed because my husband handed over finances, it didn't stop him but it made me and my children secure that bills were paid. It's an emotional illness and the road is not smooth. I sought help through gamanon, I've had lots of counselling, but meetings are the best way as my husband can attend his at same time.

Hi Louise,

The idea of paying £30k debts in 2 years is fanciful to say the least. The interest alone is £750 a month, £9k a year.

Credit scores can improve, but not that quickly.

Protect yourself & your children.

There's no right or wrong decision in this. All you have to do is decide what's right for you - which you have.

His alleged worry about his credit score is nonsense if he really wants to stop. A DMP can have several advantages not least reducing the ability to take out more credit. Always put your interests first. As far as I can tell (we can never be 100% sure) there's been no gambling for several years but Mr L is under no illusions about what would happen if he were to return. I have no intention of going through what he put me through again.

I

hi

Thank you everyone for your responses.

His Dad has access to his credit files and his bank accounts, he offered for me to do it but I was too upset and I don’t want to see in black in white what he has done, I can’t believe his pure stupidity and how he actually thought this was not a problem and what his great plan was to pay all this back! I am so angry as to what he has taken away from his children!

He says he owes about £26k now! His parents also lent him £3k to pay off his overdraft and I have found out he also has to pay them back £200 per month for this on top of the huge credit card debt.

He works away in the week and stays at his parents at the weekend.

I have separated all finances and as I work part time and we are separated I can claim tax credits.

His parents want him out in April and he wants to come home, he has nowhere else to go. I don’t want him home, I need the security of the tax credits for my children. I have never claimed anything before. Feel like I will be forced to have him back as he can he rent somewhere with this amount of debt to pay back. His parents will fall out with me if I don’t and they help me with childcare so could turn into an awful mess.

He has accessed counselling through gam care. This is only now once a month as he says he has not gambled again, how can once a month be enough with a 5 year addiction. He also has gamban on his phone so I suppose he is trying.

He just wants to pay it off so in the future his credit score won’t stop him getting another mortgage, not to enable him to be able to gamble again.

I have not accessed any support for myself. Do I just ring gamcare.

I know life will be so hard without him with being a single mum, I don’t have a lot of friends and know I would really struggle. I don’t understand how he could do this to us, did my happiness mean nothing to him. I really can’t see a why back from this.

Hi Louise this is going to sound bonkers but they don't do it deliberately. It isn't personal. It's addiction. They become consumed by chasing a loss. Borrow to win big but they can't stop. Then it becomes a juggling game, moving money so no one finds out. He's an adult and regardless of anything else it's not his parents responsibility either, it's his. As far as I'm concerned GA is the long term place to seek help and support, no excuses. Think about what you want. Get some help from gamcare counselling, find a gamanon meeting. Living expenses come before debt, so he needs to sort that out himself via stepchange or other debt services. Unless he takes responsibility and sees what he has done he will continue expecting everyone else to sort it out for him.

I'm sorry but we are totally selfish, gambling has destroyed my marriage and I deserve it. I miss .my wife and family and regret it every day, but still didn't stop.
I look back and my ex wife was so right too get rid of me. I lied, stole and made her life a living nightmare..Do what is right for you, no matter how hard. Think about yourself, because when I gambled I only thought about me.
I'm not after sympathy I did this just me.
So I say if you believe that it won't change or stop, be strong and make the decision that is right for you.
Good luck

Fighting to restore love and peace in my relationship was so frustrating until I saw a video of a lady's testimony talking about how are marriage was restored. It was a whole experience I never thought could have been possible. My partner and I are happily reunited in Love and harmony