Struggling

Hi Chantelle 

I am only 5 days GF and decided I wouldn’t write on anyone’s posts until I felt a little better but your entry resonated so much that I felt compelled to reach out. 
I totally understand the cycle you’re in as I’m in the exact same boat. I have depleted mine and my partners finances to what feels like the point of no return. I’m drowning in loans and debt and yet I’d still sit up all night on the online slots spinning until I’ve lost everything. I can’t ‘win’ because nothing is ever enough anymore and I’ll just spin through any wins (no matter how big they are) until everything is gone.

My partners finances does no and is supportive in trying to help me but I feel so guilty as I’ve really messed his finances up too (as he’s kept trying to bail me out). The only way I see out of this is to just stop but also like you, I’m resourceful and always find ways around all blockers I put in place. 
For now I’m staying close to this forum, I’m reading as many people’s stories as I can and I’m finding watching gambling documentaries on YouTube really helps. 

Others have been where we are (worse than where we are) and still come out the other side now living fulfilling lives. We can too… The cravings/ urges to chase are severe right now and it feels like nothing will excite me as much or fill the ‘void’ of gambling but hoping this will get better.

i’ll check in on you daily and try to support you where I can.

Em x

Hi both, I can resonate with this too. I’ve been doing exactly the same. I am over a week gamble free now with every block possible in place. I actually got to the point where I hated gambling and the stress of ‘winning’ or losing felt the same to me. It was like I was trying to win back everything I’d ever lost every time and nothing was ever enough. I found it sometimes more stressful when I actually cashed out as the money sitting in my bank made me want to gamble more! It’s a ridiculous, destructive cycle that is absolutely never going to change unless WE change it. I am at the point now where I feel like I work too hard to be this financially poor with debts and a bad credit score. It’s early days for me but something has to give and I feel really determined this time. Like today, I spent the whole day ‘being present’ and I actually liked it. Keep up the good work and take one day at a time. I also find that reading peoples posts on here which are all pretty much the same (whereby gambling is / has destroyed our lives) helps me to understand that this is an illness / addiction that will NEVER have a positive outcome. The only people who are ‘lucky’ are the casino owners. 
i hope one day we can all find a way out and have our lives back. 

Hi Amy

you're doing so well! Keep up the good work.

wanted to post again as there is something else that really helped me but I think it’s best to do straight after/ on the same day as your last relapse. 
I recorded a video message to my future self (my partner was in mine as well). I was very tearful, the pain was raw and I outlined the damage and self harm I had caused. I told my future self that “if you’re watching this now, you’re probably thinking about gambling again”. I then literally heartbreakingly broke down and begged myself not to do it. 
it’s helped me twice this week (Friday and Saturday) so it might actually be working. Anyway just a suggestion.

keep up the good fight. You’re doing great. Em x

Hi Em, this sounds pretty powerful I’ve never thought of doing that but I suppose capturing yourself when you are at breaking point would keep it real. It’s easy to forget the losses and how it makes us feel and out minds have a way of making it all appealing again, at least mine does! Anyway, sounds like you’re doing great, I had a little wobble today where I thought about it but I didn’t act on it and just did something else instead.  Keep up the good work x 

Em - I absolutely love that idea. I read my dairy daily/weekly when I struggled. My first few entries especially. Having that visual element is a brilliant idea. Reminding yourself why you wont gamble is a huge part of beating this.

To everyone in this chat - You are doing so well. Admitting it is the first step and often the hardest. Coming clean to someone else is horrendous, but again hugely important. Keeping that secret to yourself, means you are only accountable to yourself, and we all know how easily we can talk ourselves into doing stupid things. Knowing someone else can judge you is a massive motivator, plus they can help you when you get urges. It's amazing how a quick chat can keep you right.

Good luck all, I'll be following your diaries.

Stay strong 👍 

Its scary how reading this hit every nerve in my body and just how many of us feel and act this way, day 1 again for me ive quickly but not as quickly as i should have recognised this pattern creeping its way back into my life ive worked so hard over months at clearing debt my partner in a job he hates but stays at to provide for us i cannot go back over to the begining it will be game over for us and i dont want that so my decision is to read write and reaonate in this community daily whilst stopping the gambling my biggest issue along the way my partner gambles