Cancel the wedding?

(Same reply written to identical post in the 'New Member Intros' forum)

Hi Kd123

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forums.

Firstly, how bitterly disappointed you must be. Not only because of the money that's been spent - it could have benefitted you both so much - but, much more importantly, the breach of trust; this isn't the first time. It's all very well him suggesting you visit counselling with him, his olive branch, having, I presume, been caught or had no choice but to confess - but is it enough?

A compulsive gambler, by nature, possesses some unfortunate attributes, and I know this because I am one, albeit a recovering compulsive gambler, currently 4 months gambling free. Those attributes include being sneaky, lying and a general disregard for others because of the addiction; it leads to self-loathing and guilt (but the damage is done). A compulsive gambler isn't necessarily a 'bad' person, in fact, more often than not, there's a 'good' person inside who is often desperate to escape his or her's personal "hell" (especially after losses).

When you first, 3 1/2 years ago, discovered about your partner's gambling, you took over his finances. I assume that, after a while, things were getting 'back to normal' and so financial control was handed back to him. This is a classic reaction, but, sadly, a classic mistake. Regretably, and others may disagree, the gambling 'devil', sitting on the compulsive gambler's shoulder, never really goes away and, without a solid backup plan in place, the gambling can return.

All it can take is some trigger, some event, some lame 'excuse' even, and the gambling returns. Counselling and visits to GA etc. can make a big difference but ultimately it comes down to the individual, his/her's support network and, critically, the practical restrictions put in place.

Here, perhaps, his trigger might be because you have found out you'll need IVF in order to have the child that you would both love to have. However, him resorting to gambling is not the answer. For compulsive gamblers, it can never be the answer.

So, here you are today and you are naturally very upset, bewildered even, wondering where to go from here. One things for certain; handing back financial control didn't work; it has to be an "all or nothing" approach where you permanently take control - for ever - with a very disciplined approached too. You have learned, and he must realise, that him having financial control is a no-go. But this is just a practical consideration.

What matters more, much more, is the issue of trust. Is the kind of man you can marry, and share your life with forever? Does he really think you going to counselling with him is enough? It's not as simple as this. Does he really want to stop? Can he see what this is doing to do? Is there some underlying reason, that you're perhaps not aware of, that's the reason for this (not just this time, but last time?). A calm, honest, heart-to-heart meeting is the very least he owes you.

Living with a compulsive gambler isn't easy - I know, I am one (recovering). In my situation, my wife controls my finances to a very tight degree. It has to be forever. I accept, am getting used to, and can see the benefits of, this approach. There is no other way, and I wonder, if this would suit your circumstance.

But I re-itterate. It's much more than this; this is your future, your life and your happiness. You need to look into your potential husband's eye and see if he gets it, if he understands, and if he will really focus, more than ever, "this time". This could be the breaking of you; or it could be the making of you.

But I won't 'guild the lily' here ... this is for life. It requires a lifetime plan. If the plan is stuck to, you'll have a much better life.

I hope this helps; just a view. You'll get others! I wish you all the best.

Mixer

Thankyou so much for you're reply. I hear him saying sorry and I know he is but it's the lack of answers I'm struggling with he says he doesn't know why he does it doesn't know what changed the day he went back in what was different that day to the 3 1/2 years he didn't do it.

Yes he got his control of his money again because at the time I think I was naive to the fact that he had control over it but I see now he never will, and that's my worry. If I stay this is for life it will always be there the worry it will happen again possibly with children of our own included and that scares me.

Hi kd123 this is also showing in 'new members ' where you have other replies.