Hi all, well hes gambling again. Turns out last week wasn't just a slip as i suspected. My partner went missing last night threatening suicide which resulted in me reporting him missing. During this time his sister came over and a lot of my suspicions over the last few weeks have turned out to be right. My partner is self employed and up until Christmas always got paid into my bank account and he would effectively have pocket money. But since the beginning of the year his wages stopped getting paid into my account and he said he was getting paid cash (i rarely saw this cash) so i have had to cover all bills and rent etc myself. I make decent money so i have been able to do this however its the principle.he works for the family business and his sister does the wages and it turns out hes opened a bank account behind my back and has been getting his wages paid into that account every week and has been gambling it all. he has been lying to her to get extra money also (which she has been giving him). i have access to his credit report and strangely it didn't show up on here!!
I just don't know if i can get past this.... I can't believe he has been so deceitful knowing i have been stressed about money. Its disgusting behaviour and i can't believe the extent of his lies. I literally cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
As much as i love him i just don't know if i can get past this but the thought of losing him kills me 🙁
Thanks for reading
Hi Sammie,
Welcome to the Forum,
It’s understandable that you trust has been shaken. It sounds like your partner is addicted to gambling and perhaps he cannot even admit it to himself at this stage. As a result, he is lying to defend it and maintain it. Have you talked openly about getting help? It is not clear from your post whether he is still missing. I hope he has returned and is able to have a conversation with you about his problem. Having said that, it can be very challenging being with someone with a gambling problem and you need to look after yourself in this relationship.
It may help you to talk to a counsellor about this. We provide free sessions, so if you would like to have counselling you may get in touch with an advisor.
Best wishes,
Forum Admin
Hi Sammie,
I second forum Admin's comments that gambling is a progressive addiction. Its an illness that makes the gambler do the most dispicable things. I myself have done dispicable things, however today I accept I am ill and am trying to get better, but i am still an addict. how did i start to turn things around? By admitting i have a problem and made the baby step to getting help. Gamcare offer counselling for both the gambler AND the partner as Forum Admin has said, please give yourself options before making any big decisions.
I'd be remiss in saying there's more help out there including the likes of GA etc. Is he aware of here and GA??
Wishing you the best wishes, tri
Hi Sammie, sorry to hear what you're going through. My OH also threatened suicide many times when his gambling was exposed and it puts you in such a difficult position because how are you supposed to properly express your anger and disappointment when you're faced with that?
The lies really are the worst because how can you have a relationship with someone when you can't believe a word they say.
I've had to distance myself, i've moved out and make sure that I do something good and fun for myself every week..it feels like a weight has been lifted. I still love my husband and do support him but from a distance and with some safety barriers in place should it all go downhill again. Good luck z
Thank you all for your words of support. It turns out he owes someone 1600 by Friday... He confessed to this yesterday. I have no intention of bailing him out.
In the past i have gone into frantic fix it mode and my main focus has been finding a way to get him out of the mess so i can have my normal partner back.
I am trying a different approach this time in that i am giving him space and time and if he wants to wallow thats up him. Im letting him know i am there to support him emotionally and so r his family. Im suggesting methods of support he could try such as counselling (again) hypnotherapy, this site, even rehab and just asking him to think about it.
If he says hes not coming back again i won't beg and plead.
I need him to see that whilst at the minute he can only think about the money he owes, the focus should be on putting measures in place to not be in this position again. Im trying not to mention the money.
Am i doing the right thing??
X
Hi Sammie, I think you're definitely doing the right thing in not paying the money back for him. Einstein's definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I paid off debts to my OH to people so many times and he just kept doing it again and again and my resentment continued to grow until I just refused to do it anymore. I think everyone reaches their limit at some point.
Stay strong x
Thanks Horizon, hard keeping it together isn't it? On one hand you love the person and i am the kind of person that loves with every bit of me so u feel an obligation in a way to do everything you can to save the person.....then u have days where u resent them and think f**k this why should i help you. Did he help when ive been crying about money, did he care when he was barefaced lying to me every single day, did he care how i would be feeling when he left and said i wouldn't here from him again and he couldn't cope anymore??? No he didn't.
Today I feel will be a day of resentment.
Xx
Hi Sammie
You don't have any kind of obligation to save him. That's his job - if he wants it. In a relationship with an active CG your obligations begin and end with your safety and your sanity. You are doing absolutely the right thing in refusing to bail him out. He need to feel the consequences of his actions. Not being able to pay some nebulous mate by Friday is one of them.
Thanks for the reassurance that i am doing the right thing. Hes just making me angry now as he has this way of almost making me feel like im the one whos done something wrong! When really it should be the complete opposite when hes the one that has deceived and hurt me over and over. He only seems interested in how can get himself out of the current mess rather than focusing on not getting himself back in this position in the future. He seems so ungrateful of the emotional support, just pushing me away rather than counting his blessings that he has someone who loves him and is willing to support him
X
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