Cant think straight

Hi GMH

We f&f can never be 100% sure but as far as I can tell he's been gf just over three and a half years. That's after he'd been bailed out but went behind my back to double the debt and con the kids out of their savings along with worse I can't go in to here. I think he shocked himself with what he was capable of. He certainly shocked me. Even after all the above I caught him sticking small change into a FOBT a few months after it all came to light. He hasn't carried cash routinely since.

There have been bumps along the way in the shape of offers from casino sites (these companies are incredibly tenacious even after self exclusion) and entries on his credit reports but they've been explained and sorted and as far as I can tell he remains committed. All the barriers remain in place and he attends GA weekly. He knows the consequences if he goes back and he's under no illusion I will tolerate a return but that's all I can do. It's up to him.

when i I say not remorseful- I mean I've seen no hint of emotions n or compassion. Previously he's been tearful. This time it's dry matter of fact and he appears to function normally all the hthe while I'm feeling awful and feel like I have the burden of it all especially the responsibility of trying work out what's best for children in this situation. If it gets mucked up again we won't be able relocAte without huge disruption- hence I think is it better give up ? Ortry to make it work here? I am ultimately really sad as I feel I e lost chance of meahaving a true life partner who will be with me every step and vice Versa- and I can't honestly tell if he feels anything for me - and I'm in such shock after this has happened again that I can't tell you how I feel about him and if I'll ever feel anything other than cheated and despondent. I feel like each time it's happened and he's done anything that hurts me I'm less here.

My husband says he qualified for a repayment plan but they said he was unlikely yet lender to agree to it due to equity plus they said that it would damage his credit rating and prevent him or risk him not being able to get affordable rate on our mortgage in two years when fixed term is up and we either need to negotiate new deal with current provider or get new one. Admittedly this is all info he is telling me as the payplan people refused talk to me despite me begging as debts in his name- wouldn't even give me hypothetical advice. Do you think this is untrue?

I keep listing things he can do and urging him to be proactive he hinself. I've said that if he's sincere in his aim to safe guard himself and family he will investigate all avenues himself and ask all he can. He claims he can't think of all the questions I do. He thinks I can't be paid d his salary and even if did this wouldn't stop him getting credit as he only applies online and doesn't necessarily give all the facts. Can he self exclude from getting credit ? If do- how? Can his bank account have me added as a controller so to speak but remain inhis name but he has no power without me? I have his two main accounts and online access and he now does not- but he can undo this at any point. Or set up a secret credit/ loan elsewhere. I have access to Experian via Monry saving website but do t want have to pay for access to three or is this affordable? I'm also worrying that equity release makes it easy but it's at point where he get dragged down immediately with him if he can't settle debts.

Your husband needs to stop thinking and just giving you the facts, in writing or by passing control to you

Where this hasn't been possible for me to do I have made the calls, on speaker phone with my wife in the room,

I signed up to experian, went through everything listed on my file and wrote down every account detail, password, log in possible

We wrote down every debt, interest rate and current status/ Default-Overdue- etc

We worked through the repayments in priority order based on us being a family again in the future ( I am very fortunate in that regard, that I still have some hope)

Because of the level of debt, my wife chose to let me stay in the marital home (sleeping on the floor of the lounge or shed, she doesn't care which!) I looked into staying in a tent and any other options but ultimately the floor was/is the cheapest

We have now got a lot of debt owing but it has at least stablised and my wife has chosen to transfer some of the debt into her name as it is via 0% balance transfer. I actually dont like this but understand it is her choice as she wants the best outcome for the children. In return I have also closed all avenues of credit bar £500 of overdraft, which will be cleared next month and then the overdraft closed.

My credit file alerts are set up directly to my wife - they go to a phone and ipad that are number locked so only she can access. I had to sell my golf clubs and fishing gear on ebay and with some of the money generated we spent £25 on a safe onto which all the codes, passwords etc are written. I don't know the code to access the safe and my wife has hidden the override keys at her parents house.

I understand for yourself there might be an option of equity release but I think there are some questions that you need to ask about your longer term needs/wants - this is about you now.

Your husband needs to start practically giving you what you need, forget the emotion for a moment (if you can) get practical. There will be plenty of time to process everything else later. If your husband will struggle to think of the questions to ask then again having everything written down, you can prewrite some of the questions you want answers to. Don't except excuses. you need facts and then some space to think..

best wishes

He may be right about the equity. Looking back we transferred the house into my sole name after the first lot of debt he ran up so he had nothing to declare as an asset second time round. I can't see why Payplan can't confirm something like that to you as a general principle though, alternatively maybe CAB could confirm it to you? If he does take out a DMP it will definitely trash his credit rating. It won't stop the lenders issuing defaults which they can and will do to protect their legal position. Personally I was relieved that Mr L's rating tanked. It dried up further access to credit.

re. His salary. Some firms won't pay into an account that doesn't have the employee's name on it. Mr L has his paid into a basic, no frills account with no OD options. Several banks offer them but they don't publicise them as they make nothing on them. I hold the card and transfer the money to my account on receipt.

Secret bank accounts will eventually show on the credit reports which are all available free (Noddle - callcredit, Clearscore - Equifax and Experian via MSE). Look into email alerts which let you know if anything happens in between updates.

Self exclusion from credit applications infuriatingly doesn't seem to exist but he can place notices of correction with each agency saying he doesn't wish to be offered credit even if he applies for it. Look into CIFAS notices as well.

Thankyou - that's a helpful lot of info to look into. A basic account makes sense. The mortgage is the complicated thing- I checked with solicitor and I can't have it transferred to my name as an asset as if he contributes to household and are married then the creditors can still put charge on house as it's seen as avoiding debt liability and i would be seen as an accomplice. Also- I can't pay the mortgage in my own right.

even if he clears debt and then we sell and downsize/ relocate to buy outright and put in my name with no existing debts as sll settled... if he gets new debts then I am still liable and they can put charge on house as his salary contributes to upkeep of house/ utilities etc. To me that seems crazy. It means we can't safe guard me and kids at all even if he is willing now but then relapses... house still at risk. Only thing that offers protection legally is a divorce and not being part of household.

Hi,

I'm not convinced about your liability for future debt, it was also an issue for me. I insisted that the flat was transferred into my name although he wouldn't sign anything other than the transfer i.e. to say why. As far as I am concerned, the flat is mine because he took and spent family money (my inheritance and kids' savings) and the transfer of his share of the equity was by way of restitution. If he amasses future debt, he cannot claim to be a home owner and I have done what I can to protecdt myself. I wrote to the bank confirming that I would not be participating in any future loans or overdrafts, and he has the Notices of Correction that Lethe mentioned on his credit reports.

It's grim. Get help for you to cope, don't go it alone.

CW

Solicitor was adamant if he contributes to household even if I own house outright that charge can be put on house.

Just as an added bit of funmy step father who I have irregular contact with since he and my mum divorced asked me if I was making home welcoming enough for husband and cooking him meals ready for when he gets home .. I'm I boring him etc? Else why would he do this? Someone who is well educated and supposedly likely to be on "my side" makes this judgement. What a horrible mess I'm inhis parents have said similar things in past. I think so many people make stupid judgements and I can't tell who will until I confide. Even close friends are surprised and sympathise with his illness vs wholeheartedly empathising with me. It's a lonely place. Grim is how I feel it is totally. He is angry at solutions such as blocking his credit with the agencies as he says this will mean when we have to remortgage he will be blocked. I suggested he be proactive and contact agencies asking if he can block access to credit in his sole name but not jointly - I will only ever participate in joint credit application if it is to remortgage at end of our tie in period. If house is transferred to me I can't pY mortgage based on my solo income so if he messed up I will be oneceith poor credit and be forced to sell . I don't think there is anything I can do that truly fixes things unless I divorce.

Sorry to hear this last.

Our crisis happened two years ago, I'm not aware that he's since gambled and I'd like to say that his stopping gambling solved all problems. It hasn't and our relationship has remained very strained. Partly because he has continued to think and behave like an addict but that's not the full story. I have recently started to look harder than I would like to at my own responses and my own conditioning and to try to change them. There's a lot of literature out there on codependency (eg Robin Norwood or Pia Mellody or Melanie Beattie) ie what happens to people growing up with addiction or family dysfunction and the effect that it has on their choice of partner and the dynamics of their relationships. IME, it matters and it needs exploring but I wasn't ready to hear that two years ago.

The responses of your family and his tell you about them but these responses are not instructions to you and they do not label you. Better for you to get the help and support that you need to help you to look after yourself in a healthy way.

CW

Hi I have been to my meeting and there was young woman who'd been to see someone about their mortgage and there is something like a tenancy agreement that safeguards you, sorry I didn't catch what it was called. Also my friends mother died recently and she had done the same, house was left to kids, father can stay in it til he dies as part of this tenancy agreement. They knew nothing of this, mother told my friend just before she died that he was always spending and getting into debt, so that's how they got around it. Maybe a financial adviser or mortgage broker will have better more up to date info? I was very intrigued myself. I don't know ins and outs but maybe this is another's avenue to look at. As for family, my mother in law just avoid it, she must think he's cured. I have no idea whether she knows about his continued gambling she just talks about herself and talks about me behind my back. His sister doesn't speak to me at all. My parents know but both 80 & 82. What can you do? People don't understand, I think his family knew before I married him and don't want him knocking at their door. As for your husbands credit when renegotiating mortgage, I don't get it, loans show up, debt, cc that will affect it. My cg consolidated and used interest free cc, transfer balances, etc. Just to be able to cope. He had a good job so it was manageable. I don't really have anymore advice on money. Others have better knowledge than me. Good luck!

Tenants in common (nothing to do with renting). It's where more than one person owns the equity in a property (may or may not be subject to a mortgage) and each person owns his or her separate share. It's documented, usually by a Declaration of Trust, who owns what share. The Declaration of Trust is private and need not be produced to the Land Registry. It operates between you and he but would not bind existing lenders or creditors. It might be worth asking your Solicitor about producing one that refers to the gambling as an explanation for the equity being for you...if he'd sign it. My husband wouldn't but I have bank statements for the previous seven years and evidence of the telephone numbers lost through his gambling. If future creditors try to go against the flat, I'm as well armed as I can be to resist their claim.

Disclaimer: above is not a substitute for your own legal advice.

CW