Hi,
Not exactly sure why I am here as I have asked my cg to leave. I think it's just to get some perspective or anyone that might have experienced the same.
I won't recount the 6 year relationship; I'll cut to the chase although it might still be long! Earlier this year I found out about the addiction. I found out, not told. I wasn't ever told the exact amount of debt. They got in touch with gamcare and started counselling and put gamban on their phone. I had never dealt with anything like this, she said that the gambling was a result of childhood trauma and that now was being addressed in the counselling, she would pay off the debt and it would stop. I thought that was the end of it. Oh how naive I was! I don't think I even thought of it as an addiction. I did ask about the financial specifics but never got anywhere. So I left it.
Fast forward to November, there has been more! I found out through letters. I had read up a little more as I had suspected it might be back a week or two before this happened. I sat her down and asked for full disclosure of debts but she point blank refused. I wasn't allowed to see, wasn't allowed to view her credit report- nothing. She said it her problem and she would deal with it. At that point I felt like if she couldn't be honest and truthful about the whole situation, then I couldn't continue in the relationship.
She will be leaving soon and she has told me about a dmp that she has setup but that is it. No details. It really doesn't matter at this point, but I am just at a loss as to why she couldn't be honest about it, especially when the cat was out of the proverbial bag. I would've stayed and supported but without that foundation of honesty, I just couldn't keep going whilst being in the dark about the extent of it. For context, we have lived together for 5 years. She has never stolen anything from me (although I have paid for bills, holidays, trips/nights out).
Hoping this makes sense... does anybody have any experience of this happening to them? It's just seems that most cgs breakdown and tell all (or at least most) when they are 'caught' and feel relieved. It's really been tough to understand.
Hey there,
Sounds like a super horrible situation for you and I'm sorry you're going through it. Especially as you sound like someone who's really trying to understand and who's given second chances etc to someone you love(d).Â
Speaking as a CG myself, I can only account for your partner's inability to open up by saying she will be feeling a huge amount of shame over what she has done. On some level she probably thinks she's trying to protect you by not giving you the details, and there's probably a grain of reality in there, but a much greater motivation for it is that she is actually protecting herself from really feeling that weight of shame. Saying the actual words, admitting to the actual real figures, makes the whole thing an utterly undeniable reality. That's associated with so much self-disgust that it can feel impossible to do.
That's all I'll say because I won't make excuses for her (or myself), and her shame is NOT your problem.
I just wanted to try and give you some answers, since you are clearly suffering because she's keeping you locked out, and you don't deserve it.Â
Best wishes in this tough time.
@happierfuture thank you for replying- very much appreciated. It does help to get some clarity from someone who understands this better from the other side.Â
I wish you well in recovery.
@dustymop Sorry you’re going through this. It’s tough. Almost five years ago my now husband confessed everything although I think given a choice he probably would have tried not to. His dad reached out to him (opened one of his letters, we were living together but he used his dad’s address for all bank letters). He directly asked him if he has a gambling addiction and that he will support him on one condition that he must tell me everything.Â
My husband said he 100% thought I will leave him. He tried negotiating w his dad but fortunately his dad was firm with him. He said there was mainly a lot of shame and guilt.Â
My guess would be that your partner is probably not ready to quit gambling yet. She is still aiming for that one big win that will clean up all the debts and so no one else needs to know. Once she admits to the debts, she’s giving up on that one big win. Â
Unfortunately if they are not ready yet, there’s nothing much we can do. We can only support them.Â
It can happen, people recover, but the gambler will need to be committed and will do all the hard work. My husband has not gambled since and hopefully it stays that way.
Hi
From my perspective I told my partner fairly soon that I thought I had a problem and needed to stop, but I was so completely ashamed of the fact that I had wasted such a lot of money that I did not tell him the full extent until I had been gambling free for fifty days. He was hurt that I hadnt been honest straight away but has been very supportive since.Â
However I think you were right to insist on total honesty, something which your partner is obviously not ready for.Â
So sorry you are going through thisÂ
@pep1952 thank you for replying. I think you might be right and she isn't in a place to want full recovery. I can't do anything about that sadly.
Â
Glad that your husband is well into recovery and you are there to support him.
@aoxbg6d3ji Hi Roxy, thanks for replying.
I think what hurt the most was the total shut down and refusal to discuss it. I know I might not have got absolutely everything in one full conversation but the complete lack of any details really floored me. I had no choice but to end from there.Â
I'm glad you were able to be open and honest with your partner.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
