Hello,
When i was younger 5 or 6 my mum used to always be in the arcades playing slots, ususally on a Saturday afternoon. i have vivid memories because my legs used to ache and ache and it would always be a few minutes more but ended up hours before we went home. This in itself didnt mean much at the time but now seems all to prominant. I'm 37 now with a wife and a home so obviously dont live with my parents anymore, but my mum has always been stressed about money, as long as i can remember. She used to go out to bingo once or twice a week whilst i was growing up that was her thing and to be honest i never thought anything of it. She went with her mum, but when her mother passed she stopped. Again no real issues with it then i would be aged 10 - 30years. everything seemed to be ok. My relation started to fail with her before i even knew she had a gambling problem, it was due to the constant moaning about not having any money even though both my parents were in full time work. It wasnt the moaning you understand it was the constant worry i had for my parents seeming to be in dire financial straights all the time. This over time really got to me and when i ever asked my mum why they had no money, she would fly of the deep end into a rage, very much like a cornered animal if you get my meaning. I had to stop going to see them as much as the effect was so powerfull. Two years ago i got a call from my brother that my mum and dad would be losing there home, i knew they had remortgaged and taken loans but again their earnings were high enough to cover these with enough spare for fun stuff like holidays but none were ever taken. It turned out that she had been using online bingo sites and hadnt paid a single bill in over 3 months, this coupled with previous none payments meant they would be taking the house if payments were not recieved. I was heartbroken but also angry, how could she have been so stupid, what was wrong, why had she gambled. Eventually they did manage to sell the house at half its value and move into a council flat, which although nice isnt where i had hoped they would be, both approaching retirement age. She retired shortly after saying work was too hard for her, but i doubt that was the reason, i think she just gave up. Upon retirement she recieved a lump sum payment and also had some other money left from the house sale. You can imaging the amounts, it was all gone within 3 months due to gambling. It has broken my farther, who i now see in a different light, not the strong man i looked upto as a young boy but an old man with little hope left. We manage to get my mum to admit she had a problem and she went to GA for about 6 weeks. Me and my brother talked her into letting us run their accounts so that at least all bills ect would be paid and then transfered money into a spending account for my mum and dad. all was seeming better but i guess i knew it wouldnt last, and it hasnt. Over the last 12months things have appeared like a new laptop, we sold the old one. She's openly talking about using bingo sites, but only the free ones. Although we had all suspected already. This week i had a call that she had maxed a visa card out and it had been repossed and payments were being requested. I feel so angry, my father and other brother ( i have 3 ) live at home and never did anything to stop her. Her father is still alive and just bails her out all the time which is frustrating at best. I am seriously considering never seeing my mum again, the amount of guilt i have even considering this is physically and mentally affecting me in the worst way. I find my self emotional and sometimes feel i would better of dead then the worry would stop. Dont fret i havent lost all my marbles just yet, i have a lovely wife and life which is helping hold me together. i just dont know whebn it will end when i look at my nother i see a monster now and only have a distant memory of the lovely woman she used to be. What can i do to save her and myself. I find myself crying thinking that she will pass on with us never having had a good relationship these last years. Sorry if this is erratic its just im a little down at the moment and straight thinking has long gone.
Hi Staypuff,
I am sorry to hear your story.
I can't imagine how it was to grow up with a parent with an addiction. From what I have seen and read the addiction is so powerful that everyone/everything else becomes an afterthought and it is sad when you think of children being included in this situation.
Something I have learnt from the Gamcare forum is that you can support someone to overcome this but they must want to do it themselves. It sounds like your Mum is not at that point.
I have a parent that has been very damaging in my life (not a CG but a personality disorder) and I have come to the point where I have emotionally distanced myself as much as I can. I still need to see him if I want a relationship with my mother but I just dont expect or want a functioning relationship because he is not capable of it. It is a tough road but for me it is the only way I can cope. It still hurts, you and I are the same age but perhaps you never stop wanting love from your parents, even if they have damaged us.
I wish you strength as you work out how to cope with this in the best way. It is not easy and I don't think there is a right or wrong solution. Just the solution that minimises the hurt and allows you to move forward.
Hugs x
Thankyou so much, i know what you say is true i just dont feel i can let go yet. i love her dearly. I feel like im at fault for not being able to get past the gambling and just love her as my mum, i really wish i could as every month that passes i feel that the relationship will end like this. If that happens i know i will feel guilty for the rest of my life and i dont know what affect that will have on me and my loved ones. Im going to try and talk to her about it in the next week or so and see if i can make any ground, but i have to say im not hopefull. thanks again.
Hi Staypuff.
Welcome to the forum and weldone for posting.
It sounds to me that you are dealing with the emotions of the little boy who never had his mum around, by crying, and that of the man who knows what mum is doing, and is angry that mum is putting a strain on the whole family, and the fear that he might be left to pick up the pieces.
I can hear your mixed feelings for your mum. The love for the lovely woman that you knew and want to keep in memory, and the woman that you know now that you are 'seriuosly considering never' to see again.
You have very well presented what your mum has put you and your family through enough to show that you would like this to go away, so it is well understood when you say that 'i would better of dead then the worry would stop'. Rest assured you are at the right place, we do know that you would like your mum's gambling to go away instead of yourself.
Staypuff. I can hear that you have tried to help your mum. Suggesting to take control of your mum's finances for her is very good, however it is best if that is what your mum wants.
Maybe you could not protect the little boy who was left to stand waiting for his mum whiles she gaambles, but you can protect the man you are now by not waiting for your mum to stop gambling. You mentioned you wife. You may not want to extend this pain into your relationship, as you could be taking the precious time that you could enjoy with her from her by trying to sort your mum's gambling.
You have taken the right step for coming here to share what you have been through, and asking for help, that is a good step as there is help. You can 'save' yourself, but your mum will have to want to be 'saved' for her to be 'saved'
We give free counselling in most parts of the country for family members of gamblers, and gamblers. If you would like this you can come and talk to us on our Netline or Helpline.
You can call us free on 0808 8020133 or contact us on our Netline at: http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline/
You may have known from reading from this forum that you are not alone, and that your mum could be helped if she wants it as others have stopped. Until your mum takes that step you and your family may have to take care of yourselves.
We are available from 8am to 12pm, 7days a week if you would like to talk to an advisor
Take Care,
florence.
thats a real heartbreaking story, I wish you all the best
Thanks for your advice florence there is much i can take from what you have said. Urgh thanks aswell. Havent spoken to my mother yet, but have an underlying level of stress that is making me snappy and anxiuos. I feel that if i begin to let it out i may not be able to control what i say and actually worry i may say something i dont mean. I'll post back in a week or so, if only so others can see what action i have taken and how its affected me and my family.
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