I’m having an incredibly hard time. I split from my ex-gambler a year ago now. He’s been gambling for 15 years. We’ve been together 7 years ( living together), and last year I had to leave with a very heavy heart. I felt so used, and I was just an accessory to him. I was a ghost in the house, only there to help him survive financially. No kids or marriage. The way he was playing mind games, the lies and avoidance made me feel extremely unworthy. We were in a codependent relationship, and he was needy as he depended on me for everything, which I was happy to help with as I loved him.
Over this past year, he breadcrumbed me by keeping in contact here and there once a month with very emotional texts and saying how much he’s missing us and me, he regrets everything he put me through, not being the man I deserved, how beautiful of a soul and human I am. This kept me very connected, as during the year I was loyal to him, as he said he hadn’t been gambling, he started therapy and leading a healthier life. He even said he doesn’t know how he could live that way for years, damaging himself. I don’t have proof, but this is what he shared with me.
3 days ago, I randomly discovered he’s been seeing a new woman, whilst writing all these emotional things to me up until a week ago. He brought her to a luxury hotel abroad for her birthday. He’s never even bought me a card for my birthday or ever made me feel special at home. Always broke. She’s a colleague, and what surprises me is how he even met her, because both of us have been working from home remotely for over 5 years. They must have met before, without me knowing and flirting online on the work platform. I feel so disgusted and betrayed, especially because he’s been recently writing so much about his regret and the love he has for me and will always have. My entire world shuddered because it seemed like he was working on his recovery and us possibly working on it again in the far future. I had hopes from his messages, even if we split a year ago. He kept me hooked, whilst creating a bond with someone new behind my back.
I’m beyond hurt by the lies and how he kept me close to break me once again, as if all the years of heartbreak for the addiction were not enough. Him being out there dating someone new and doing the most for this person, when I was given nothing, and I had to pick up the pieces to help him build his life. I can’t comprehend how he’s able to even afford to treat her this way, when he had so much debt, and I can’t even imagine him taking so much care of someone else or showing it through actions, because he’s never done that for me. I was just like a mother to him. I truly loved and cared for him, and two days ago, I messaged him to say I’ve seen everything and blocked him everywhere, asking him to never contact me again in his life. It was the end of a huge chapter of my life, and I’m not looking forward to the pain of continuously remembering him being happy with this new woman.
It feels like it’s all been a lie to him our relationship. I’m the one who got hurt, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with the emotions. It felt so real and unbreakable our connection to me, and I can’t explain how he’s found someone new to love and care for, whilst changing all his behaviours in the past months and being in early recovery (5/6 months according to the calculations, no proof). He used to smoke, gamble, not take care of his body, eat poorly, and not clean his home until I left a year ago.
I’m in shock and I’m here for support, because I’m truly alone whilst he’s out there, probably not even remembering my name, avoiding me as usual, after having picked him up and loved him at his lowest points in life for the past decade.
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What will it take me to find happiness, too, or even open my heart to someone else like he was able to do?
I am really sorry to hear what you are going through, he sounds like a vile person with an addiction who use it as an excuss their alot of great people. With this addiction who have turned out really nice, addiction make you selfish however where do u draw the line unfortunately some people use it as an excuss to blame everything on addiction when in fact they just selfish people i'm 654 days bet free and cant thanx this site enough for the support they have offered me if u require urgent support u can give then a call i appologise on his behalf nobody deserves to be treated like this i wish u well
Hi heartbrokenÂ
a person shows you what they want you to see
you see what you wantÂ
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odd behaviour is ignored, bad behaviour is forgivenÂ
why are we accepting of this?
why do we want to be with someone like that?
why do we care? Why do we care what they are doing now?
you don’t know the ins and outs of anything he says or does. You don’t know who is paying. You don’t know if he’s still gambling. You don’t know if he’s still in debt.
when you were living with him you didn’t know either.
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From here on put yourself first. Set boundaries, only pay for yourself. Don’t lend people money, don’t accept lying, ask questions. If people are open and honest and you feel comfortable you will know.
not everyone is the same but unfortunately many people are addicted to something. The main thing you have to worry about is yourself. We cannot fix them, it’s not our job to sort their problems, we are not their mothers.
he’s probably kept you hooked so that he had a plan b. I’m not saying he didn’t care but their minds work differently especially if they are actively gambling.Â
to be safe I would do credit checks.Â
your priority is you and your mental health. Stop worrying about what has happened and move forward. You can call Gamcare and talk. There is lots of help online. Read ‘women who love too much’.
be free for a while. It will get better
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