Do I ask cg to tell family and friends

Hi LLT I'm sorry you're here, that's a big shock. I remember that feeling well. Yes if you can get him to tell great. They may already know. You can tell if you want don't be manipulated into not telling people by him. Did he confess? Is he seeking help? Safeguard your money, take control of finance if you can. Do credit reports. Gambling feeds on secrets and lies. Get support for yourself too. Try not to be scared, take control of what you can. Don't bail him out. Good luck!

How do I not bail him out? If we leave things the debts just getting worse?

Hi LLT and welcome to the forum .

I'm a Compulsive Gambler so my take on thing's is that as MGM has said " Don't bail him out " because as much as you feel it's duty / responsibility ect , in fact all that you'll do is enable him to keep gambling .

It's his mess and the only way a CG like your husband can start moving forward is to accept responsibility for his actions and start clearing up his own mess , I'm not saying don't advise or support him but throwing money at him will not make this addiction dissappear . I don't know your financial situation but if he's struggling with repaymant's then maybe a loan to consolidate his debt's or if thing's are really bad then look at a DMP ( debt management plan ) through a non profit organisation such as the one many use on here " Stepchange " , they will also give advice on the best route to take , as will Gamcare if you speak with an advisor but the important thing is that it's his debt to sort out !

If he's genuine about giving up then you need total transparency from him , access to bank statement's and full credit reports to make sure he's not borrowed from elswhere and not told you . I appreciate all this seems drastic and a bit hard but from first hand knowledge I know how devious I could be when I was in the grip of addiction .

I know this is a huge shock for you but for now it's about limiting the damage to yourself and looking after your interests .

You may want to lok at the family and friends section on here as there are many story's that will mirror your's I'm afraid so your not alone .

As regard's to your question about coming clean ? Well if he's likely to ask other family members for handout's to gamble again then that would in my opinion be the right move , honesty is alway's the best way forward as it allows addiction knowhere to hide , so he can't just be accountable to himself anymore . That being said you now know and it's down to you who else needs to know ? .

I'm sorry youve been affected by this and I wish you well for now .

Alan

Sorry to hear your situation, been there, my husband racked up 30K on credit cards and loans. Dont give him money to pay his debts, if you want to support him and help him find a solution to pay off the amount. My husband got an IVA although unfortunately your money does get taken into account, so you still are bailing him out, but he is taking the responsibility for it. Try and separate your finances so that the affect on your credit score is limited and also to protect your financial situation in the future.

If you can get him to tell family and friends do, my husband wouldnt and refused to let me talk to anybody, this is why after 15 years I am only just seeking support through this site. My husband hasnt told his family and friends and although I try to keep a tight control on money, if he can't get it off me he goes to them, so they need to know for your sake and his if he wants to stop.

Good Luck

Thanks so much for the replies.. I've told his family, everyone is fairly devestated. He's admitted he has a problem and needs to get help and has been in touch to get a counselling appointment and has given me access to all his accounts. I've spent the day going through them and I'm in so much shock...starting to wonder if he ever did love me or did he just see me as a easy cash cow.

I'm finding it hard to see what our future could look like?? I'm imagining having to check credit reports monthly, bank statements daily and monitor any cash with seeing proof of receipts?? Is this really what it's going to be like or is everything still too raw that I'm not thinking straight??

Hi LLT well done you've achieved a lot in short space of time. I hold all finance, have done for 12 years. It ensured all bills and mortgage paid . He kept on with lunch money, isa etc. So now we do receipts as well. I like it as peace of mind. If he was an alcoholic I wouldn't give him the booze! It's same principle. You can get support from gamcare too, it's not just about him. You need to learn how to live with a cg. Just worry about today, see if things improve over the next few months. You can't stop him but you can safeguard yourself. Don't have any joint accounts. You're doing well, you sound strong. It's a shock but once things settle down it's manageable. Good luck!

Hi LLT

Access to accounts isn't enough. You also need to see his credit reports to make sure there's no hidden debt or secret bank accounts (both sadly common scenarios). They are all available free now and ongoing via Noddle (Callcredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian through MSE's credit club. You need to establish the full picture as quickly as possible.

re the debts - get him to speak to Payplan and/or Stepchange. They will assess whether he's eligible for a DMP which will in turn reduce the payments to an affordable level and should get interest and charges frozen for the duration.Don't take on debt on his behalf and don't let anyone else do it either. You or they will become liable for it.

Thanks Lethe going to get into them credit reports now.