Do I walk away?

Hi mel

Ive been a CG for around 10 years, ive said on numerous occasions to my partner/family im going to stop gambling just because thats what they wanted to hear, ive had the big wins which have lead to the big losses leading to thousands of pound of debt!

54 days ago i stopped gambling (i know this isn't long) but 54 days ago i stopped for Me because i wanted to, and thats what he needs to do. Take all off his bank cards and remove his online banking, ive found this a great help. If he needs petrol or dinner for work give x amount of money for him to get by. He may find this embarrassing and be quite bullish about it, but it takes away any urge he may get and he will get them.

The worst thing you can do is keep bailing him out, my mother kept doing the same for me, and though i wasnt doing it on purpose i knew i had that help when things went **** up!

I hope yous find away to sort this out and that he finds away to beat this illness.

Hi bop thanks for your reply. Well done, I know 54 days is a long time!! Keep it up!

I have taken all his cards in the past, he managed to persuade me to give him his debit card back which he has & hasn't spent any of the money from there, instead he re-opened one credit card & managed to get another new one. Even if I take all his cards again I'm scared he will just do the same again & find a way to open more cards! Also he recently opened a new savings account with a different bank which he refuses to let me have access to because "it's so he can buy me things without me knowing how much they cost" etc. I feel like no matter what I do he will still find a way to gamble!

Its sound to me like he doesn't want to stop, but just for your benefit he says he wants to. If he does he needs you to have full control over fianances, will power alone isn't enough at this stage of recovery.

The way a gamblers mind works, we will try any avenue to get money, if you take his debit card off him he wont have any details to get new credit cards as he will need it to get a credit check

I asked my partner what advice would she give you as a girlfriend of a CG, her answer was "nothing actually worked until you decided you wanted to stop and gave me all of your bank cards".

My biggest fear was handling the debts so I gambled and gambled until i finally faced it, now ive finally stopped looking for happiness in the same place i lost it!

He absolutely can help himself. He just doesn't want to and until he does any efforts and offers to help you make are futile. Make sure your own and household finances are protected then read up on the addiction to see what you and he might be up against even if he does decide to commit to recovery. This forum is a very good place to start.

Thanks both for your replies.

You are probably right, I don't think he REALLY wants to stop & it's so frustrating! Why can't he see what he's doing to himself and us?

He said he would give me all his cards and access to his savings account but that was after pushing & I could tell he didn't really want to.

I tried to have a calm conversation with him this morning but he just won't engage. I asked him how long he stopped for last time & he wouldn't answer.

We're in our early 30s & planned to have children soon, I tried to explain he's throwing the chance of that away....nothing. He was more bothered about the neighbour hearing us! I got upset (again) and he just took the P**s out of me for crying then walked out whilst mumbling that he thinks I like arguing & want to leave him!

Hi Mel sounds like he's looking for the excuse to argue and gamble. You are powerless. If he wants to gamble he will. He has to get help and he has to do it when he's at rock bottom. They go on until there's loans and debt unimaginable. My husband is cg and been gambling for 30 years. He's been to ga for a while in past couple of times. Uses excuses as why he doesn't like the meetings. I thought he'd stopped but last month he confessed. I'm back to gamanon meetings and he's been to 2. Try and talk when you're both calm, I know easier said than done. Safeguard your money, don't pay his debts. Encourage help either gamcare or ga. You can call helpline too.

Fair play to you for putting up with it for so long. I feel like I'm at a point where I'm having to decide how my whole future will pan out & I don't know what to do.

As I've said previously he refuses to get help. Did your husband choose to go to ga of his own back or was he persuaded?

I refuse to pay anything else for him, me & his mum have both paid some of his debts in the past and now I know we shouldn't have done. My money is safe where he can't access it & there is minimal money in the joint account.

Definitely easier said than done trying to talk when calm, each time I try he gets angry & I get upset.

He's just txt me saying 'hope you're ok' as if nothing is wrong!!!

Oh yes, my husband said the other day 'I'm not skint' they're on another planet, especially if debt has been paid off. He went to ga because I went to gamanon. Persuading doesn't work. He has to acknowledge the problem, keep talking x

The key is HE needs to want to stop. Ive treated my GF the exact same way hes treating you. Its pure frustration on his behalf that he is this way towards you. He will have a win and be all nice then lose it again and its back to square one. Its a vicious circle.

I dont go to GA meetings as i found these very god oriented (imo) but i come on this site every day or 2 just to remind myself how much gambling destroys people, also keeping a diary where no one judges me feels great!

Maybe asking him to read some stories on here maybe a eye opener, that things can change no matter how hard it is. Thats certainly what's motivating me.

So I'm back....since my last post I gave him another chance, and another, and another. He stopped for a few weeks then yesterday I found out he gambled again so I asked him about it. He did the usual got angry & stormed out, went to the pub & spent even more. Obviously he's all apologetic today but I just don't think I can cope anymore. How many last chances can you give someone?!

He knows you will keep giving him more chances and taking him back regardless of what he does. Time to break the cycle once and for all. Maybe then he'll wake up and realise he needs to seek out help but until then there is nothing you can do for him. Look after yourself

Hi Mel a nie oh dear, I feel for you. No more chances, rules. He has to do what you want. He obviously can't do this by himself. So he gets counselling goes to meetings gives you the salary. If not.... you decide. You say you can't live like this, but you keep letting him. You deserve respect and honesty. The only way my cg stops is GA meetings and I go to gamanon. They're like toddlers they need to be on reins. This is your life too, look after yourself. Put yourself first.

The frightening thing is an illness like this can get worse and often does untreated. Compulsive gambling can develop into addiction but of course not all gamblers are addicts, just the few percent if you believe the gambling industry.

Like its been said, an addict will, in my experience will only stop when they are ready to accept gambling has them beat and only that addict can make that decision ( although with family and friends support)

in my own recovery, i use many blockers and treatments including being on here often, internet / self exlusions, counselling and not to forget GA meetings and the program it offers.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself but i can offer you hope that i've seen many people turn their lives around by working hard on recovery and accepting what they are.

All the best, tri

Hi Mel,

I know the feeling my boyfriend is the same but he does attend Gemcare sessions. He did stop for 5 weeks but as soon as i left for university he went straight back to it again. There maybe an underlying cause to his gambling like a trigger or a past experience that caused him to get addicted. I find blockers on computers, laptops and phones would work. The one my boyfriend downloaded (yes he did download it to stop him from doing it) is called K9 Web Protection it stops him from accessing any gambling site.

All the best, Court