Do I walk away?

Thanks for the replies. The problem is he refuses to do anything....refuses to see a counsellor or go to ga, refuses to get any blockers or anything like that because he won’t asmit he’s got a problem. He thinks because he stops for a few weeks at a time it’s not a problem. He says he’ll go to the doctor about his anger but he’s yet to make an appointment. I’m bored of him saying sorry because it means nothing anymore. I think he thinks after a few days I’m going to say ‘it’s ok we’re back to normal now’.

Hi Mel a nie it's obvious he isn't going to do anything. You've said he doesn't want to stop and doesn't see a problem. So now it's up to you. What do you want? Is gambling causing problems in your relationship? You are the one who needs to make the change. Waiting for him you'll be waiting a long time. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. What is stopping you? What is holding you back from moving forward? What are you afraid of? If it's him and his anger then there are people out there who can help you. Please call gamcare and get help and advice. Someone said to me 'he's got you right where he wants you.' Be safe, get yourself help, put yourself first. Stop worrying about him. You have to do something otherwise nothing will change and you will be stuck in this destructive cycle. This is about you.

Well I’ve done it. It’s over. Over the last few days I’ve given him chances to talk and all he can say is sorry & he won’t do it again. I’ve calmly explained to him he has an illness and needs help but he still refuses. I told him I can never trust him, he is doing nothing different this time to help himself so I know he won’t change & I can’t live my life like this....constantly checking & wondering when the next time will be & whether he is lying. I’m heartbroken and I’m terrified what will happen to him now but he just doesn’t want to help himself. I’ve finally told my friends & family too....feels like a weight lifted, I don’t have to deal with this on my own anymore!

Hi Mel a nie I'm sorry to see another relationship destroyed by gambling. I think it's the best decision for you. Get some support and look after yourself. It's devastating and it's hard to think they can't stop and don't see the problem. Look after yourself and take care, stay strong!

Thanks Mgw. I thought I was ok. I didn’t cry when I told my mum, didn’t cry when my dad called round to see if I was ok. And now I can’t stop. I should be asleep but I can’t sfop thinking, thinking about how this awful illness has destroyed us yet he can’t even admit he has a problem, thinking about having to sort everything out with the house etc, thinking about what my future holds. I am a complete mess. I’ve no idea where he is so I’m also worrying about him. How the **** did my life end up like this?!!!

Hi Mel, it's the end of an era & one in which you'd invested your heart...It's going to hurt but @ least this way, you get a chance to live. You were only existing before & with him stomping all over your feelings, it's little wonder that the initial euphoria made you feel like you could breathe again.

Try not to let what he is or isn't doing consume you, it's time to start rebuilding your life, lean on your lovely parents if you need to. Living with an active gambler is hell on earth & I for one, applaud you for finding the strength to finally look out for yourself. He has behaved appallingly (how dare he laugh @ your heart breaking) & maybe having to finally stand on his own 2 feet will be the wake up call he needs to accept that he does have a problem.

Time to look after you & look to your future - ODAAT

Hi Mel

Thank you for sharing your story. Your situation is one I am hopeful to avoid with my partner. Its very early days and hes promised me to get help. I just hope he does. Well done on taking the right steps for you and i hope you can move forward from this. Take Care

Hi reezie, sorry you find yourself here too. I hope for both your sakes your partner does get help, promising he will and actually doing it are two very different things as I have learnt after many broken promises. My journey is far from over and the thought of moving forward feels out of my reach. X

Hi Mel a nie, the end of a relationship is like bereavement. You need to go through all the emotions. Just worry about you, make sure all finances are secure. Just get through today. This may not be the last you hear from him. Stay strong. Good luck!

Hi,

I’m new to this site, but I’m at my lowest, most confused point right now, and don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend of nearly 7 years has a gambling problem. He’s had it all throughout our relationship, but it has come and gone, with some really great times together in between.

We’ve already been through the closing our joint account stage, because he kept helping himself to money that was for our bills, and his wages are paid into my bank account.

So, the thing is, without me he pretty much has no access to money. He gets some cash in hand from a second job, but other than that, he relies on me, and apparently other people he calls his friends, and now I’ve found out, his mum.

So, as an example, he is sometimes good at poker, he goes to organised games with his friends, from what I know it’s £30 to enter and when he’s out, he’s out, and asks me to pick him up and he comes home.

Its the online poker, and the poker games when he’s been drinking is a whole different level. As I am his only reliable source for funds, he lies about where he’s going and what he’s doing when he’s out, although I know deep down he’s out playing poker. He then rings me at stupid hours in the morning when I’m sleeping and begs, literally lies in any way possible, I sometimes think he might be telling the truth, and begs for me to send him money. Until eventually after sometimes hours of him not giving in, I’ll do it. I’ll send him it. But I can’t say no. He knows how to manipulate me into doing it. Same if he’s been out and had a drink, he’ll want to come home and do some online streaming, so demands money for that. Shouts, screams, begs, calls me names, talks to me like I’m a piece of s***, threatens to break up with me, pins me down, grabs my phone to try and send the money over to his account himself. Until I just have to give in. Sometimes it’s “babe, can I please borrow £30, I’ll give it back to you tomorrow after work.” And then a couple of hours later “babe, can you please chuck me another £30”. Or making up that people are threatening to beat him up as they’ve lent him money, so I send it as I’m worried, but it’s been a lie and he’s spent that on drink and gambling too.

So I guess I’m adding fuel to the fire, but he’s so manipulating, I do it to shut him up, and if I don’t give it to him he’ll get it from someone else. I’ve now found out that he’s been doing the same to his mum, and she’s felt the same as me, like she has to do it. And now he owes her £1000 after just six months.

Every single time, the next day, he’ll say he’s sorry and act ashamed about what he’s done. Wasting our money on poker. Sorry, it’ll never happen again. Then things will be great for a few weeks, do things normal couples do, go for meals, go to the cinema, spend evenings in together. And then, it will happen again. And we’re back to square one.

I want to be saving money for the future, not living off what we get each month because he’s flittering it away, but he also says he same. That he wants to save money, do things together, save for holidays and go places etc.

I know some people may just be thinking that this wouldn’t be a problem anymore if I just said no when he asks me for money, but I don’t feel like it’s that easy. It’s hard to explain, I feel like I have to, to please him, and just keep thinking tomorrow is another day and everything will be okay.

He won’t soberly talk about his emotions or problems with me, but recently when he came home drunk, he cried and admitted he has a gambling addiction. But whether that was just to shut me up or make me feel even more guilty and sorry for him, I don’t know.

I’m always sat to think, thinking that this is somehow my fault. That I’m the reason he’s like this. He must enjoy doing it, or else he wouldn’t do it. He is the loveliest, most caring, fun, happy person, but this changes him completely. And I’m not sure how much longer I can cope.

I don’t want to give up, we live together, have done for six years, and we’re in the process of buying a house (in my name) and starting a future. That I thought we both wanted. I don’t want to walk away, as he’s my best friend and I love him with all my heart, but I can’t live feeling like this anymore. Always wondering how much money I’m going to lose out on this month.

How can I make him understand what he’s doing and what a problem he has? Or do you think maybe he just doesn’t care?

Any help and advice will be much appreciated.

Thanks, x

Hi Laura, you will get more advice if you start your own story. Button at bottom of f&f page, new topic. In the meantime I would call gamcare. You need real help and counselling to deal with this. It sounds very destructive. For starters it's not your fault. You and his mum need to talk to him when he's calm and let him know you won't put up with it anymore. He needs to seek help himself. You need to be strong and stop the cycle of behaviour. If you don't pay he can't play, if you think he's going to call don't answer. This addiction gets progressively worse so you need to sort this soon. That behaviour is not acceptable. Good luck!

Hi Laura, I can only offer my point of view as someone who has put up with it, accepted the apologies & believed the promises over and over only for him to go & do it again to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. He was exactly the same in that he said wanted all the things in the future, the holidays, the family etc but he point blank refuses to get help, even now I have told him it over. I have learnt from everything with him & advice from on here that he will not change unless he accepts he has a problem and gets help. You are the only one who can decide what you are prepared to put up with. I just couldn’t spend the rest of my life constantly worrying and wondering what will happen next & always questioning everything he does. I spoke to a friend who asked what I’d be saying to her if she was in my position, I knew exactly what I’d be saying. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and I am completely devastated and broken that I’ve told him it’s over but it wasn’t healthy for either of us. He still refuses to accept he has a problem which needs help and has continued to gamble since I told him it’s over. I feel so helpless that I can do no more but I now understand he has to do this for himself. At the moment he is in denial & the only thing he will say to me is that he wants us back to normal, still promising he will stop and thinks everyone is laughing at him. It’s so hard but you have to do what is right for you and your future xx

Why is he blaming me for eberything? He’s blaming me for ‘going mad’ (as he puts it) when he gambled again so it’s my fault he gambled over 3k in less than 2 weeks after that! It’s my fault he’s now left with nothing because he gambled away everything! Then the next minute he says he knows he’s got a problem & will get help! He’s all calm & nice one minute then horrible the next! How can he not see that none of this is my fault?!

Hi Mel a nie he is refusing to admit. It's the blame game. They blame everyone but themselves. It's a process, he'll either get help or chase his losses. It's manipulation hoping you'll help him or go back. Stay strong.

Hi Laura,

Other than pointing him towards Gamcare and refusing to give him money there is little you can do to stop him gamble. It is his choice to continue if he wants to and from what you say he is refusing to see the problem and take responsibility for it. He is also manipulative, verbally and physically abusive and i know this is because of gambling but this is unacceptable and makes me think it may be helpful to speak with Women's Aid.