Do I walk away?

If it’s your fault then it’s not his and therefore he doesn’t need to change.

That’s his warped thinking, what about you? Call the Helpline, go to GamAnon, start reclaiming your life. Because if you don’t, no one else will do it for you.

CW

So as above I did ‘walk away’, he’s left the house but not taken all his stuff yet & there are still things to sort out re bills etc. I did tell him that if he went away, got help and proved he had changed then things maybe could be different in the future. The problem I have now is that I obviously still care about him, live him & want him to get sorted for himself. Is there anything I can do to help him anymore or am i supposed to just leave him to get on with it??? I’m sure he’s still not got any help & I know all this is now affecting his work. I just want him to be ok for himself!

Hi Mel a nie, you could go to meetings. Go to one where GA and gamanon together. You could have couples therapy. You could get counselling. You could manage his money. But if he doesn't get help for himself and try to stop, it will be just you getting better. Which is good, it will help you. Realistically if he has left and still continuing, it doesn't sound like he's ready. But he may be getting help and you don't know. It's all a guessing game. Get help for you and go from there.

Thanks. He won’t go to meetings or counselling, I’ve offered to go with him as has his Mum but he refuses. Now he has left I can’t manage his money.

So I’ve just found out that he’s continued to gamble since I kicked him out! Despite him telling me numerous times that he’s not. He still thinks we can work this out. I just can’t get my head round how he can think like this?!

Hi Mel a nie I don't really know what to say. He isn't going to stop because he doesn't want to. If he wanted to stop he would seek help and admit. You need to concentrate on you. He's shown you what he's prepared to do, nothing. May be have no contact at all, try and let go. Have you had counselling? I don't know what else you can do. Look after you.

Hi Melanie, from the other side of the fence I can only imagine how frustrating his behaviour continues to be even after all that has happened. Echo the advice above about getting help for yourself. Unfortunately there is not a lot more you can do for him as he has to be ready and make the necessary changes off his own bat, as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water....

All the best

Drinking and gambling aside, the challenge you'll have with this fella is that he doen't like to be answerable to anyone bar himself. Hence his reluctance to seek help, hand over control of his finances, surrender his freedom to do as he pleases (playing poker, drinking with his buddies etc.) He's always going to do exactly what he wants. So if you're going to build a life with him you're going to have to accept that. Your choice, your destiny.

Mel a nie I saw a quote the other day

"When someone shows us who they are, believe them; the first time"

Put him and his addiction aside for a while and look after yourself.

Cathyx

Thanks everyone for the responses. I think I just need to be a bit stronger, he still has stuff in the house & there are still a couple of bills to sort which I have asked him to sort but he hasn’t. I know I need to be firm with him, I just worry about making his depression worse if I tell him to collect his things etc. X

Hi Mel a nie I'm sure those things are niggling you, you want to move forward. Just to say his depression is not down to you or what you do. If that was the case we could make someone with depression better and we can't. This is not your fault. In this life we take responsibility for ourselves. Well we're meant to! Just concentrate on yourself, he is out of your control.

Hi Mel a nie

Seems like we're almost in the same boat or at least paddling next to each other.

Keep going and doing what's right for you. If you wobble remind yourself of the reasons why you made a decision to protect yourself.

If there are still possessions lying around in sight maybe box them up if you have the time and inclination then at least they're out of the way.

It's so easy to put the rose tinted glasses on once they've left as you haven't got all that stress and constant worry under your roof and I think you realise how much time you spent worrying about someone else's addiction and the mayhem it often causes rather than spend that time in a positive manner investing in your own needs.

Stay strong and focus on you x

Hi nomore, we certainly are. It’s awful isn’t it! I am going to start boxing up his stuff. He’s currently going through a cycle of constantly telling me this is what I wanted!!!! He won’t listen when I say it’s not what I wanted at all.

I do keep reminding myself why I made this decision, it’s the only thing making me stick to it. The amount of lies he has told is unbelievable despite him keep saying that he won’t lie again! He doesn’t understand why I can’t live like that!!!

Hope ur doing ok xx

Hiya

Hope you're doing ok.

I'm also having some issues with the 'not understanding why I don't want to live like that.'

I've had to block all forms of communication with him as he won't stop contacting me despite me telling him not to. He seems to think we will get back together and he will prove to me that I can trust him...it's too little too late for me, I've realised this way of 'living' is not what I want.

To be honest the realisation that I don't need to or have to deal with this **** anymore is a huge relief and has brought me a lot of peace.

Stay strong x