Does counseling work?

Not much more to say on how things are going. As far as I know he hasn't gambled. He's now 49 days today. He's really looking forward to making it to 90, as he seems to think this improves his chances of never betting again. He's still going to groups, went to one on wednesday and we go together to the one on sunday.

I wonder am I being stupid thinking he can recover? He seems to be doing all the right things. We're going to church and praying a lot. It seems like my life is uni readings, seeing him or church. Oh and visits to the doctor or counselor. I'm so thankful i started to go to counseling it really has helped to change my life significantly.

Today I am cross for lots of reasons and happy for lots of reasons too. He has been having a bad week, all of last week. Seemed to be getting angry at a lot of things, but bottling it up. His counseling session seemed to bring home to him just how far he had to go - his words not mine. It'll be 59 days today and it's the first day he's told me he felt like having a bet. When he was in the middle of a fight with his mum the idea flashed before him. I was so glad that he told me about it and from all i know that he didn't actually bet. I told him how proud i was of him for not betting. He was at the library and I made him read me the serial numbers of the notes in his wallet and then he read them to me when he got home and his dad confirmed he still had them in there. So I was proud of him for that. I know i'm making an assumption that he told me all of the money in his wallet. But i wasn't there, so I can only trust/assume. He has been looking in at uni today. Something else I'm proud of him for. My counseling sessions are still going well - but hard. This week I'm supposed to be telling other people bad things about myself - so that I can reveal the mask of the 'nice person' that I wear. Sounds bizarre, but it's my journey. At Gam-Anon, I have told them that I write on this site and that I get something out of it. It's been a while since I've written but the urgency doesn't feel so great. At Gam-Anon last night there was a lady who kept saying she wouldn't choose this life.... as i'm not married, pretty much get out now..... what do I do? He's doing all the right things - he seems to have hit his rock bottom, he's relying on GA and counseling. So i'm proud of him. He really says he's quit. I hope that's true. I just hate the thought that it might not be.

hi,i have to echo the post from ostrich,that he has to take responsibility,and he has to want to give up.

you are suffering because of his behaviour,its very hard for you because you love him so much,and you see him battling with his urge to gamble or to stop,you see him suffering too,but i feel that if you hold his hand through this,he will always know that you are always there.

This time it is something he needs to do himself,and it needs to be the real thing and not just a smokescreen until he feels things are cool with you again.

I am in a similar situ with my (ex) partner of 3 years,i have left her 3 times in the past,and always took her back,she always told me she didnt gamble any more,and slowly things started not to add up,the trust thing came into play again.

I want her back,i love her deeply,i miss her,but i wont contact her,and if she contacts me this time i will not discuss us or our future together,i will let her do all the talking and over a long period of time, see if there has been a genuine change,because i dont trust her at all now.I'm not massively experienced in any of this ,i am new to this forum myself,and there are some very experienced people on here,and i just thought i would share and draw strength from your post as there are similarities.

You are not heartless ,unloving or any of those things,you have made this bold move,and your man has responded,if you hadnt done so,then i wonder what he would be doing now?

very best wishes,

Debussy

hi,fourleafclover,excuse my previous post,i just started on this forum 2 nights ago,so the silly man that i am,i posted to a much earlier post of yours.

i will continue to follow this thread,as its great to hear how you are coping better now.

may it continue,

D

Hi Debussy2,

No worries. In fact it's always good to hear from someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm typing into thin air, but I am doing this for me. writing this as much as I can and being honest. He called GA this morning as he can't make it to his meeting tonight, because of work, or the one on saturday, but we're still going to the one on sunday. I guess that's a good thing. weather or not he can make it to the wednesday or saturday depends on work, but sunday is always fine. so we have been continuing to go. getting so much out of it. i feel sometimes like i talk too much, sometimes like i need to talk and sometimes like i just want to talk but have to let other people 🙂

The counseling thing is going so well. I feel so luck it's free. I guess, like the counselor said, he had paid for this over and over with all the gambling. i feel like we're getting things back slowly, we have mentioned the future a few times and i've asked how he'd feel if we bought a house and only my name was on the deeds and asked if we can find out if he gets a personal loan or credit card would that money come out of the loan. we need to look at all the options and even see if its a possibility. he's said he knows he has to go to GA for the rest of his life. 61 days today. i'm proud of him. he says he has changed so much, the way he talks, thinks and listens to things. he's keen to enrol in uni and hopefully we'll get that sorted this weekend. i'm proud of him. but also scared to take a risk myself.

hi Fourleafclover,it sounds like there are some positive developments occuring,congratulations!

yes,i think its wise at this stage to be apprehensive,especially when talking about buying houses,because this is giving the green light signal to your partner,and 61days is fab,tho it is early days in his recovery,and it would be interesting,how things develop long term.

I know from experience with my(ex)girlfriend,when i took her back,and she felt she was in her comfort zone with me again,gradually she got hooked into serious gambling again,hiding it at first by saying she was going to the casino,;'just to watch',then it was 'i play a little bit',then it spiralled into whole weeks there without any contact,or very little,and any promises just dissappeared into thin air.

your partner can appear to be making all the right moves,and with genuine intentions,i really hope so for you,but i feel it is important in this sort of situation to let your head rule your heart,and remember how you have suffered,and keep emotional boundaries intact.just a thought,i am trying to do this despite my love for her.

best wishes,

Debussy

Hi Desbussy,

Yep, lots of positive steps, at the same time, still not sure. Things are up and down, we had a talk last night and part of it was about lying, he still tends to want to lie when put under pressure- like we all do, because it's the easy way out. It hurt so much. We had a big massive conversation, which involved again, could we re-build trust. He feels like even if he thinks it's not a lie and i think it is and catch him out, it'll be the end, so he gets really defensive on issues that are sensitive. Something I've thought for a while. We're trying to work through this, but I just don't know. Like I said to him last night, we need to think seriously about this. I have no idea if I can trust him again. I seriously don't. I have no idea if the trust can be rebuilt. I just don't know. He agrees that it would be hard and at one point seemed to understand how difficult it would be to love someone and just not know what was going to happen. I feel sick that he lied, it was only minor and something that i think was probably more a collection of thoughts, not a specific lie. but it still hurts that he wants to just say things without thinking about them being true or not, because he's so scared of losing me. I've said that he'll lose me, if he doesn't tell the truth. the truth hurts and he needs to trust me for that. It's been a rollercoaster week. things have been up and down and probably the worst week since this all happened. no, i'm not justifying his lies, i've told him we seriously need to think about if this can go ahead or not. i don't think he's gambled 64 days today. which is great. i think he and i have a lot to sort out and i just don't know the answer. he has said he'll be going to GA for the rest of his life because he won't gamble ever again and needs to maintain that. how do we know the answers to the future? i guess this is where we pray to 'our higher being.' i'm so confused. i love him so much, but, like i said last night, i can't be with someone i can't trust.

hi Fourleafclover,

it is probably a big ask of someone who has been devious towards you because of their serious problem,for such a long time

,for them to be all of a sudden 100% honest.

you obviously really love him,which is wonderful,and you are apprehensive about many aspects of the relationship,which is normal.

he is still a gambler,who hopefully has stopped,in his mind at the moment he may still be a gambler,and the truth and honesty will need to become his new behaviour,tho that may not happen immediately.

if you can be patient,and not expect a change to occur immediately,along with his visits to gamanon,maybe being more honest,could become part of your relationship.

it will take time,and only you can be the judge of wether this help he is taking is impacting positively on your relationship.

i hope so,

Debussy

It was his birthday today. Hopefully a lovely day for him and he's gone to GA tonight.

We talk a lot about GA and gambling about how things are and how we are feeling. I think it impacts our relationship quite significantly being able to discuss things and not hold back. It means that we can be honest even though it hurts the other person.

In counseling this week a lot of the focus was on my wanting to control and hurt the other person to teach them a lesson. 'I want to love you but only in the way that I say not in the way that you are.' scary stuff but true. I seem to always want to control the situation to manipulate it to benefit me or victimise me. Funnily enough so are other people, making it a very complex affair! So... my lessons were about trusting in God and myself so that if things happen again my world wouldn't fall apart. Being able to put up boundaries so that I can accept responsibility for what is my responsibility and give back and recognise what are other people's issues. To accept that I am neither bad nor good, I am a person who has strengths and weaknesses and I do not need to manipulate every situation so that people think I am a nice person, because it's not their opinion that counts I should be stable enough in myself that it's only God's and my opinions that are at the core of me. If other people love me for who I am then I am blessed. But I am blessed already and no-one can love me unless I actually reveal the real me to them. Big and tough and difficult stuff....

I drew a picture of myself and wrote all the thoughts I have about myself around it (with my least dominant hand). Was rather interesting what came out and I shared this with him because if he is going to love me - he needs to know who i am. I also wanted to see if I could share it - if I could accept who I was. I did share it and he wasn't scared off, said he knew some of it, not all etc....

Today I burst into tears because sometimes it just feels hard. Hard that the person I love most lied to me. Hard that the person I should trust most broke and could break my trust. Hard to stand up and be brave and face things. Hard to hide behind a mask anymore. Hard but some of these things are worth it. In time, maybe I will know if they are worth it, or if it's best for both of us for us to walk away. Time will tell... Do I trust at the moment he is doing everything he can to be transparent and re-establish trust? Yes. Do I trust that he has put in place strategies? Yes. Do I trust that he hates gambling and never wants to return? Yes. Do I trust he is not gambling at the moment? Yes. Do I trust that if we bought a house he would let it be in my name? Yes. So, for today, I will focus on today.

Oh, one more thing. We worked out all of his debts today, as some of them come off automatically, but he phoned and found out some figures and together we made a complete list of all the debts (at least I think it's complete). To me, it's a scary amount, but I've never had a debt in my life - yet to buy a house and my cars are cheap and bought outright. I'm sure he will pay it off. He's applying to go back to uni, the deadline is next week to apply.

He also spoke to the counselor about lying and said he really wants to focus on that. He was excited as the counselor believes he can break it. He's been trying counting to five before saying something, just so he doesn't say something to please me, he's also been telling stories verbatum so it means he can't exaggerate. I'm sure most people would be o.k. with the white lies and the exaggeration. But he's not and (nor am I), he wants to be honest and transparent. I'm proud of him for this.

70 days today for him. Ten weeks and a lot has changed. He is really looking forward to getting to 90 days and beyond. There are some decisions to make regarding our future. The other night I had a thought that in some ways it would be easier if he went back and gambled and wasn't interested in finding help. then i would know he was not worth waiting for. now... it's a wait, funny i've always been an impatient person ad this is going to be a long wait!

Counseling has definetly helped, beyond what i could imagine! I'm feeling more of a person now that is able to cope with life's ups and downs.

One thing i really have to work on, is not punishing other people. i would love to figure out how to talk to my family. but i'm so sick of the way that i have to expose myself for them to be happy. to have them manipulate me to be a person that i am not. it hurts.

So... i guess at the moment, things are good. he is trying hard and we've definitely been through our ups and downs... i appreciate how hard he is trying. i also appreciate how good he is as a person. so many people respect him and he has such a gift of speaking to people. i really hope he starts and finishes the degree and then does teaching. he has so many people who recognise his wonderful abilities to communicate, i pray that it's all put to good use and not wasted any longer. i think both of us have learnt a lot of self respect at the moment. he says that he is happy he has nothing to hide from anyone anymore. i think that would be a relief for anyone. to know that you can be the person you want to be and other people's opinions don't matter. because you're o.k. with yourself at your core.

Last night we had a pretty confronting conversation about money. We are going to write down on paper what we want out of life financially and then give it to each other and discuss where we want to go. I told him that I don't ever want a house in his name. We can get a piece of paper (that he can't touch) that says if we sold it he would get half, but he can't access the home or loan. We talked about working out how much of the share of the house we should each pay. I guess I want to know that if something happens I can still pay for it by myself (would have to get a pretty small house!!! :)) I said that I wouldn't be happy to have joint bank accounts. He was really upset at first, he said mostly over the way that I said it. I guess it would be hard, he said that it seemed like I would never be his equal. I pointed out, that it's not about that. Why, if he has a disease would he want to put any of us to chance? Why would he want to risk me and potentially his family? He understood where I was coming from and we're going to talk about it, but i really believe he understands where i'm coming from. scary stuff. but i guess it's going to make me feel more secure.

I'm going to find out about legal stuff and see if it is possible for me to have things like the house in my name. i would like to think that if we get a loan in just my name, if he contributes (great) and we'll set it up so we each pay into the account directly (as this seems to be what may work) but if something happens, the loan would still be affordable just by me (e.g. if we split up, I can still afford the loan). However, I guess he'd want his share. We may have to sell and re-buy. I wonder if I could just buy out his share or something? ughhg... I've got work all this stuff out, to see if it's even possible. We spoke about the fact that it's not about not seeing him as an equal but that if he has a disease why wouldn't he want to protect me (and potentially if we have a family). So we'll see.... we talked about the future and need to work out all of this stuff... i want to know that i'm as protected. i guess that sounds a bit selfish, but i guess deservedly so. Anyway, things are alright, he seems to be going O.K. I just hope and pray he has the strength every day to fight (and inspire other people as well).

Not much to share in terms of gambling. Was a bit worried today when he had half a day and went to go see a movie, then couldn't be bothered so walked around the shops by themselves for half an hour. I just have to trust they haven't gambled. I asked if they were tempted and they said no. But still it scares me that he had idle time like that. I think he hasn't but I have asked to see his bank statement to be sure. He was fine with that. I need reassurance.

We are really starting to get some things sorted in terms of money. I think us discussing long-term plans helps to put things in perspective for both of us... do we really need everything we buy, kind of philosophy. He's still going to GA, so that's good. Had a massive fight with my parents last night, as they kept trying to say that I was the bad one and the perpertrator. Thankfully, for all the counseling I could see that I'm not, I wasn't and there's no way I'm going to wear that label. I stood up to them, was too loud (I couldn't control myself I was so upset). They kept saying I was attacking them, I challenged them to say one instance where I had attacked them, they couldn't except to say I was yelling, I later apologised for yelling. I shouldn't have done that. But, I said everything I said was the truth, I am not to blame and have never been. I am not attacking and I won't wear the label. I am not going to be told I am something that I am not. They were not happy and very defensive in the end my father said he was sorry for all the hurt that he had caused me, I still don't think he has any idea, but, as I said to him that would have been very big of him to say. At least now I can say to myself my father has apologised. Like most people think of him, he has no capacity to love, he has no capacity to feel and he hurts so he says I am the bad one and NO MORE! I feel exposed, but at the same time, stronger, because there isn't any label or thing that my family can say about me that I have to agree or conform to, because it's not true and I am not the bad one. I feel like I have had the shackles cut from me and I am free to be the person I am destined to be. Their opinions can only enslave me if I let them and I don't. Who would have thought his gambling would lead to me being able to be free? Wow... I never would have thought that 76 days ago.