Does counseling work?

Great to read things are still going well and you are both keeping strong.

Bestwishes

Helen

Wow.... I absolutley can not believe it has been so long since I have writte on here. We're engaged and getting married in about 8 months. We live in our own place - with a mortgage, he has no debts, although I think he might get a tax debt this year, as went from a more money to less money, which I think is a reasonable debt to have, since we have no others, aside the mortgage. We have been saving for the wedding, keeping to our budget. I check his accounts and hardly ask any more about gambling, usually I bring it up if we are fighting, and it's in the sense of, "I know you're upset, please don't gamble." He tells me he won't but he's not, not gambling for me. He is doing this for him. He's up to over 18 months and it feels like a world away, everyone keeps saying how much he has changed and that they can see a totally different person who has sought help and will always seek help for his problems, but it no longer defines him.

Such a big change, I honesly didn't think it would happen to him. I always knew it happened to some people, you hope it will be you, but it does happen, people do go into recovery. Yes, they are in it for the rest of their lives, but they are free, something so amazing to see.

things are still fine. But I want to try and write on here as much as possible. I think it's important to track how I am feeling. Whenever we fight I get scared that he will gamble. I just have a fear, conditioned probably, because he would pick fights to go off and gamble. But, it still scares me. I always need to make up, but he wants time by himself. Which for me is really scarey a while ago he actually walked out in the middle of one of our fights. He told me he went and sat on some steps and showed me where he sat, but considering he could have just walked down the road and gambled it scared me too much. I think he needs to be fair to me and not actually walk outside in a fight. Which doesn't always mean that we settle it in a good way, because it just ends up escalating. I've never had a problem with yelling in a fight, I know some people think that's bad, but sometimes you just have no other way to express that that is how you feel at that moment and it makes your frustration feel a lot better. I know that may sound immature, but how do you deal with that? How do you deal with frustration? If I hold it in it just comes out worse. Just realised this is not so much gambling issues, but for me it's all linked, as resolving conflict is so vital for relationships.

Hi Fourleaf... I am a recovering Cg.

Interesting last post. I agree that resolving conflict and dealing with feelings is key.. not just in recovering from addiction (any addiction) but also in life in general. I don't mind admitting that sometimes I don't deal with emotions very well... as my printer (now scrap) found out the other week. Though I don't now use gambling as a way of coping anymore.

I don't think that shouting, like you say is necassarilly a bad thing. I was brought up in a household where my parents rarely argued or if they did it was when us the kids were not around. When they eventually split it came as a shock to me because I didn't even realise they were unhappy.

Its only as an adult and with hindsight I can see that the non-communication and the silence and absence of emotion between them was a sign of a loveless marriage. For years they stayed together "because of the children"... which was a shame for them.. and perhaps for me as well as years later i developed a gambling addiction. I do not blame them for addiction though.. that is my responsibility.

Sometimes I woosh that i could shout when very angry but I find that I am simply not able to do that. I get overwhelmed by the emotion go bright red and pace around alot. Am not able to speak really, just blurt something out something that i may not mean atall. perhaps like your husband I need time alone to calm myself and gather my thoughts and only then will i feel able to say what i really mean.

I know plenty of people who get verbal diarrohea when angry but thats not the case with me. But maybe the important point in any sort of realtionship is to respect (up to a point anyway) how the other side deals with their emotions.

For me if someone was screaming at me YOU this and YOU that "at me" then i'd get real mad. But if someone was screaming "I feel angry when you..." or "I don't like when you .... because... " then i can cope with that. Its when its phrased as a personal attack that I don't like it.. and thats how things might then escalate.

I learn in recovery that its owning my stuff thats the key. Anyway sorry Ive burbled on in your diary.. its just that your thoughts got me a thinking. I think we can all learn lots from each other whether gamblers or those affected. We are just people at the end of the day. All the best.. S.A

Well back on here again. Thanks for your thoughts S.A. Strangely enough, I feel like we've turned a bit of a corner in our relationship. We're not fighting nearly as much over the last few months. Both of us a make a mammoth effort to listen, understand and not get angry. We had an argument last night, but it was actually quite sedated, in the end we made up and forgave each other. We are both pretty stressed with family (on each side) at the moment, sickness and divorce and dealing with those emotions we were both quite sad and took it out on each other a bit, but stopped when we realised what we were doing. I'm pretty proud of us.

I'm worried at times with the external stresses if that will effect things for him. The other day he said he was going the gym I didn't think twice until I was talking to my friend and suddenly I had a thought, maybe he's gambling. When I think about it, he had no wallet, no money in his wallet and had only taken a gym pass I felt a bit silly, but it's still a thought I have from time to time, but it is a lot less than before.

I'm really finding that GamAnon is helping my recovery too, to be a better person.

It's weird I was talking to a friend of ours the other day about it, I feel like i didn't have a choice in some ways of at least trying to stay with him and confront the issues. I truly believe we attract certain people in our lives and I when I reflected on past relationships it wasn't hard to see that I picked people with issues. I obviously had issues myself. I was lucky I got to see an amazing counsellor who pointed out how I see life and the cycles I get involved in, how I portrayed myself, the baggage that I carried and I was not even aware of. I still know I carry baggage, sometimes I get a mental picture of me walking along carrying 'issue' suitcases, but I'm o.k. they're there. I've come to terms with the fact, I like everyone else, has them.

I also love that gam-Anon lets me focus on myself to be a better person. I can go there and say, I'm worried about things or I can go there and celebrate that's it's been more than 20 months without gambling and in that time, I've finished my Masters, we've bought a unit, upgraded my car (we now have air conditing and power steering... wooohooo!!) and the car is pretty decent, for us! And he is completing what is hopefully he second last semester of a uni Degree at the moment, all while both us have had full time jobs. What a last 20 months, sometimes we just need to celebrate the successes. I'm a firm believer in reflection and being proud of achievements. In my eyes I really think that's a pretty blessed 20 months.

So, thinks are still going well. I sometimes get really upset about him being a 'gambler' even though he is in recovery this will effect nearly everything in my life. I am trying to 'rise' above this thought, but it still scares me sometimes. How do we learn to live with this everyday? It's so hard sometimes to seperate my love/my thoughts/my hurt.... I am proud of him. I guess, I'm just feeling a bit down today and that's o.k.

Two years today.... can't believe it... don't have much time to write because we are chilling and celebrating... amazing. But, HARDWORK!!!

Fourleaf your life commentary is really inspiring, but I'd like to know where you get your strength from. My tale is similar, however when I entered into a relationship with the best guy I had ever met, I knew all about his addiction as I'd been a friend for some time before. What I didn't anticipate was the effect it would have in me - it feels like gambling is his partner, not me, and I get no attention whatsoever because he's either thinking about not doing it or thinking about how to cover up when he has done it - despite me saying I don't expect him to stop overnight. I couldn't possibly love anyone any more than I do him, but I'm useless with his addiction and eel that I offer no support. I really don't know how to help him, I'm a little jealous of your success! Forgive me. Keep posting though!

Hi Clapton,

Well, I've mad the plunge, we're married! I haven't really said this to everyone but in the days leading up I was freaking out, thinking if I really wanted this and I must say that those thoughts were focused on the gambling. Do I really want this for the rest of my life? Well, I went for it and we're married, three weeks yesterday. He does know though that if he ever gambled again I would leave, I truly mean that.

We were talking one night after our meeting - we still and plan to go for the rest of our lives every week and he said that he feels no compulsion to gamble anymore, he is over the physical addiction and has been for probably two years now, if he went back to gambling he said it would be a consious decision to gamble and it would lead to destruction for both himself and anyone around, including me. He said the best decision would be for me to leave and I agree - I would not be able to stay around and watch him self destruct. When we first broke up when I found out I said to him, I love you, I want to support you, but I can't be in a relationship with you if you're going to gamble. I truly meant it.

He had been going to GA on and off for years, had tried counselling at different times, had stopped for a certain amount of time, a couple of years at one stage, but had never truly given up.

He says he will never gamble again, that something inside of his has snapped, whether this is true or him talking himself into it, I'm not sure? He says he will go to his group each week, I still check his bank accounts and usually know how much money he has in his wallet - never very much, he puts everything he can on his card so I can track it.

I really believe that him going to uni - we found out the day before we got married that he had passed his last subject and therefore degree has been an amazing help. Through this he has re-discovered self esteem and admiration, he knows he can get a better career, and is volunteering in a couple of different ways since we got married so he can get a better job. Also, I think he said that he was at the point where he hated to gamble, he felt like he didn't want to do it anymore, but didn't know how to stop. He had been gambling for over half of his life by then.

We had marriage counseling as part of getting married in our church and we were both quite open to the counsellor. I think I said something like 'I was really lucky, I realised I needed to change because otherwise I'd keep ending up in relationships like this and I was just blessed that he was ready to change at the same time.'

I totally get what you mean, Clapton, though at times it feels like there are three of us, him, me and the gambling. But, I guess going to my group each week helps me with this. I really try and be open in the group, I know that for some this is difficult, but I feel the need to try and be as open as possible.

I wish there was an easy fix to all of this, but realising we are all human we all bring faults to the relationship - some more destructive than others - has been an important thought for me. I'm not always easy to live with and definitely have my terrible points, he puts up with mine, and I am thankful for his friendship and love. He really is my best friend.

Congratulations Fourleaf clover! Long life and much happiness to both of you. Never take your eye off the ball. Ostrich x

Thanks Ostrich, I must say I don't think I ever could. It's far too much to lose! I just re-read what I wrote in the last post, to be clear, as far as I'm aware he hasn't gambled in over two years, Actually, today would be two years and two months. He has so many other pursuits filling his time - we don't have time to slow down, for him, I think this has been really important.

Things are still going well. We are still dealing with things in our relationship, for the first time this morning he said that gambling isn't the problem, it's just one part of it. There's so much more to it... I've been thinking for a while that gambling was just a symptom of what was really going on. Not that gambling is o.k. or that he is not a compulsive gambler, because he is, but there is more to it than that. I think he sees me as the life that he wants but thinks he doesn't deserve it. He wasnts to be connected to people as a family and working on his relationship with me, means that he can have that. I'm probably not making much sense right now my brain feels rather fuzzy.

Fourleafclover,

Thank you for keeping up your diary. I know it is for your benefit, but others can benefit from it too.

I'm a cg coming up on my first year of recovery and so much of what you say is true for myself and my wife. She too goes to gamanon and finds it great. Whilst it hurts me seeing her going to gamanon, it is a necessary pain because it is helping her massively to deal with things. Dealing with arguments in the light of gambling recovery is very topical for us right now. We know that our petty rows are over something other than what we are niggling about, but it takes time so see the woods for the trees sometimes. It is tough. I still feel guilty, shame and she still feels angry (more often that she tells me, I think, in support of my efforts). The dynamics of it all are amazing, but simple at the same time.

Keep up the great work, keep talking and keep looking out for your own interests. Keep posting too, there are not that many open GA/Gamanon meetings and your diary is like an open meeting with the detail which is recorded at the time.

Best of strength to the both of you.

Brian

where in nz do you live

Fourleafclover,

it took me 5 hours to read all the thread and the only thing which I like the most that you have been such a strong woman when you had to be.

I will be 20 yrs old soon and I have been gambling for 2 years since I turned 18.

Few days ago I lost 15k and when she came to know (my gf) she just left me without saying anything. I don't want to gamble anymore, I lost (can't say I lost her at the same time) someone whom I love the most. The money we both saved together to spend on holidays but I have ruined everything. I used to gamble and lose but it wasn't that serious.

I JUST HATE MYSELF!

I'm not hopeless anymore, I thought it's impossible but it can be done and I just need time for that.