Does the resentment ever go?

I have no easy answer , I feel a bit like that but slightly different situation is that my husband is still gambling and won't accept help. I hate the anxiety and the panicky feelings I get .Talk to someone else and see how you feel.Would you leave​ him ? Look after yourself .

Morning,

My first thought is that it sounds rather manipulative on his part, an attempt to manoeuvre you towards forgiveness and back to normal, an attempt to put the onus on you by suggesting that the way forwards is only possible if you can get over yourself. Preferably now, please. I've had similar, my husband wanted it pushed under the carpet and back to normal, if you trawl through other posts in this section, it's quite common.

Actually his recovery, such as it may be, is entirely dependent on him and I would advise you to immediately pass that buck back to where it belongs. Your feelings and responses have nothing, nothing whatsoever, to do with whether or not he chooses to continue to do what he needs to do (meetings, counselling, habitual barriers etc). He can do it whether you're "with him" or not, the responsibility for his choices lies with him. He does not need you to immediately make any decisions that you are not ready to make in order to stay clean.

You feel as you do because of his actions. He has hurt you. He should accept that is so, the problem didn't arise overnight and it won't resolve quickly and it takes a lot of work all round. Long term, it's for you decide if your feelings have irrevocably changed and that's where time and counselling can help. GamAnon meetings can help you cope generally.

Even more long term, forgiveness or coming to terms with it has little to do with letting him off the hook. It has everything to do with peace and peace of mind for you.

Last thought: Step 9 (as opposed to Step 1) is concerned with making amends. That comes after Steps 1 to 8 have been thoroughly worked ("work" being the appropriate word) and therefore Step 9 can be done properly.

Look after you.

CW

Hi BKL31, I have never felt such an urge to reply to someone's post as I felt when I read yours. My partner is a CG and I feel right now exactly the way you are feeling: his last relapse left me very hurt and angry, we always got on very well and never thrown hard words at each other even if we had disagreements, I felt we were quite a good couple compared to other couples....but now I feel bitter, sad, angry and as you say even if I had a crystal ball and made the addiction go away for good it still feels like it's not enough. He broke something in me with his last relapse which feels unfixable right now. Your feelings are absolutely normal and you are not alone feeling like this. I hate the way I feel too and often think that maybe it's wrong to harbour all these thoughts. I try to come to terms with the fact that it's a normal, human process to feel like this and that is normal. BKL31...you will be fine. You will know what to do when the time is right but no one can spare you this rollercoaster of emotions only slow it down. I've realised that in my situation I have to hit rock bottom too (being the partner of a Cg) to understand what I want from me and how I want my life to be. Wish you all the best! Your post hits home with me 100%.

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Hi I felt the same I couldn't stand him breathing an actually wished he'd pass away in his sleep as it all became to much , but I stayed an tried but couldn't be intermate with him anymore and he left me for someone he met whilst doing his job , I was absolutely devastated and angry but I no now it was easier for him to run than to face all he had done , but he can't run from himself an it will all catch up with him , but I'm just glad I'm out if it , I hope whatever you decide you put yourself first because they won't xx

Thanks for the replies. I do think that he has a lot to prove and i know that while i wont condone or accept the gambling i do have to make peace with the past and move on if we are to go forward. I also think I need to be positive I don't think me being passive aggressive and bitchy towards him and constantly reminding him how he let us down will help recovery. We have a 2 year old and I'm pregnant so I'm still at the stage where I'd like us to work and be a family but I seem to go between making an effort and just feeling numb and sad. We have a lot of work to do on salvaging the relationship and whilst the gambling issue is 100% his I think as his wife I need to be as supportive as possible. It's just some days are very dark at the moment! He is doing everything he can and everything I've asked and he's said himself that with or without me all else can do is continue with recovery so I don't think he's trying to manipulate I really don't. I think he's as unhappy as I am and wants things to be better. I remain hopeful x

Hi

I think what you are feeling is very normal. It mirrors what was happening here a few years back. Pressuring you by asking if you're 'on board' with him isn't on. Once the finances are ringfenced take all the time you need to decide how you think things are going. Don't worry about speaking your mind either. I walked on eggshells first time round and got it thrown back in my face when Mr L went back at it and doubled the debt while lying to my face. After that he was left in less than zero doubt about what I thought and even now over three years down the line (as far as I can tell) I sometimes just have to scratch that itch.

Him wanting things to be better starts with him putting in the hard yards and then keeping on with them. Do and say what feels right for you.

Revery is as hard for the partners and family as the gambler. I know its a call we all have to make but i couldn't more strongly advocate some sort of therapy / counselling / GA / whatever and as much as possible. This addiction isn't easy which is why Gamcare offers counselling to the family members as well.