I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

@deborah270882 Hey Deborah, thank you so much for your concern and I completely agree with you. However, I did not try to get these payday loans. My partner did. If I’d known, I’d have stopped him and he knew that so he didn’t tell me. Tbh, him trying to help me has only made me feel worse but his passion is really driving me to not fail him again. So let’s see. Like you I have been gambling, relapsing and repeating for 30 odd years. At some point, like you, I am hoping for the cycle to end. Why not this time.
Due to not having control of my finances I did attempt to get a personal loan from a well known lender with low interest. If I am successful (unlikely), I’ll insist he pays the payday loans off as well as clears my most imminent high interest debts and I’ll have one manageable monthly repayment to pay back. Stepchange may end up being my only option but why should companies suffer shortfalls on money they’ve given me IF I can find a way to pay it back in full. These sorts of services are for people that truly need it but I may not if I just stop gambling. Anyway, I really do thank you again. It’s nice to know people on here look out for each other and I wish you all the best during your recovery. 80 days is MEGA!! Xx

Hi EM i resonate with your story from the early days of gambling fortunately my addiction was all landbased from pub bandits to bookies arcades and Casinos like u my addiction started when i too started playing the £250 fruit machines however it went worse when i started going bookies and started playing fobt and going Casinos as i went with a group of people we started  giving each other money this went on for a few years and few of them were gambling addict like me i never took loans out just a case of scrapping pay days my last relapse was the worst of the worst has i took a 5k loan out and made the decision to recover my last salary the way i blew it was wake up call and that was my turning point i was already a member of gamcare at that point however i never commented i decide to ring helpline number did everthing asked and joined the chatroom since that day i have managed to remain gamble free thats 694 days without a bet coming on here i took advice on board and i knew major changes need be implemented my way of thinking was i hate spending my own money on stuff and i would only buy the odd stuff the gambling so called winnings and that feeling it gave me yet the thousands lost would all be forgotten yet i would be thrilled winning few hundred pound, what worked for me was finding value i now have a new hobby which i am passionate about and it actually scares me now their are times i enjoyed going casino i learnt i like talking to new people so i go to events cinema and get the same feeling im always going to be an addict and i am fully aware my brain doesnt function properly when i gambled so the only way out is value the life i have now i can go places financially i am far better then the 18 years i gambled as i had nothing to show for it and lived miserably the temptation is always going to be their as am quite vulnerable so in my case has long as i am aware of it i can keep living the new life even if it mean sacrificing few hours a week on here 

Day 4

The days seem to dragging and going by so slowly. It’s hard to stay motivated. I keep looking at my A4 pad where I’ve scribbled down all of my losses and a monthly plan to pay everything back. Only one problem with this plan, I don’t have a job!!! Therefore I have no income to start hitting this debt.

I decided not to sit around moping today but instead to apply to as many jobs as I could. I also finally did some housework and laundry which was seriously overdue.

I had ran out of milk but because I don’t have access to any money, I couldn’t pop out and get any. I feel like a child. My partner has said if I make it to a week GF, I can have a small amount of money at my disposal in case I need anything. As patronising as this is, I understand that in the early stages of big losses, I cannot have access to any money as I’m too volatile.

It is what it is. Onwards to day 5, this time I’m going all the way. Not just for me but for the people I love!

Em x

@tazman Hey Taz!

Thank you for commenting. Everytime somebody resonates, I feel less alone and isolated. I actually think I remember you from a few years back on here and what an achievement getting to 694 days!! I’m going to put a reminder in my diary to make sure I find your journal and congratulate you on the big 700!! 

Yes I started in landbase. On one armed bandits moving to fobt(s) mainly playing roulette. No matter what I play/ gamble, I can never do any of it in moderation and I’m accepting after decades of the same s*** that it’s not going to get better unless I just stop. The amount I’ve lost in the last 2 weeks alone is eye watering so I know that the first 2 weeks are going to be hell trying to push aside the urge to chase my loss. 

I don’t know Taz, something feels different this time. I can’t let my partner down again. I want to be better for the people that depend on me and look up to me. This is a mental addiction but my body is sometimes crawling and I feel nauseas due to how strong the craving is to gamble. I feel slightly crazy… I don’t know, sorry for rambling… Thanks again for posting

By coming on here its a daily reminder what my life was like it hard for a non gamblier to understand the funny thing was it always went the same way and i just knew the outcome and the odd time i clawed back my losses i was already planning the next bet it simply wasent enough towards the end i was getting sick off and i even made a plan in place if i get to x amount i will just quit i now know if i magically was given every penny back i simply wouldnt be able to stop coming on here made me realise i cant change my past i will always be vulnerable as an addict their far too many places even with the block in place i can find a way to gamble so i need to take more measures i did manage 3 years previously however i was always vulnerable and now i understand the importance what single bet can do i have relapsed when i had no intention of gambling one thing led to another i simply cannot take any chances so when i do feel vulnerable i get myself on here and spend time on here which keeps the temptation away im greatfull the urgues have settled took arround 6 weeks just to start enjoying stuff and being normal again after many attempts i have realised its the early days are the hardest once u get past this my advice is continue on this support the addiction never goes away so awareness is key and another girl who manage some time and thought she was cured i was exactly same i took it for granted and i actually went even worse its like the addiction came with a vengence as i have already experienced  this i now look at as a postive 

Day 5

Today my 95 year old Nana needed some help, she lives 2.5hrs away and I of course jumped straight in my car to assist. An hour into my journey my car came up with an alert ‘check injection’, then I completely lost power on the motorway with no hard shoulder. I had to exit the car for safety and stand behind a railing that has nothing but trees which sort of sheltered me from rain. 4 hours later I’m getting towed back home after being told my timing belt had snapped. Possibly the most expensive fix a car can need and wasn’t able to help my Nana.

Other than f*****************k I have no more words for today.

Em

Hi Em,

I hope you don’t mind me commenting but I am the wife of a compulsive gambler, and I don’t know if it’s that you remind me of me or of my husband but something about the way you talk really resonated with me. 

What you are doing is incredible and you are doing amazing. Keeping coming back on here and dedicating yourself to your wellness even when it’s hard. 

I wanted to pick up on when you said why should companies have a short fall when you could pay in regards help from stepchange. If I were you I would spend a little time thinking about where this thought comes from. You deserve all the help on offer, and despite being admirable, you caring about the companies that took advantage of you is redundant. There may will be a personal reason behind this which I would never want you to share if you don’t want to, but to me, someone who is currently unemployed and battling a serious illness MORE than qualifies you to access help from stepchange. Please consider why you are feeling hesitant about this for you and your partner who you obviously love to the ends of the earth. 

all my support to you x

Day 6

I’m still GF! 🙂

maybe this will help someone. On 1st June (the morning of my last frenzied gambling stint), I was in bits. I decided to record a video to my future self. Both me and my partner featured in this recording and we both cried our eyes out speaking to our future selves. We outlined how we felt, the damage I had caused and I explained to myself that if I’m watching this video in the future, I’m probably considering gambling. I literally begged myself not to do it. The video is raw and heartbreaking but it worked!
Last night I watched it and it reduced me to tears (again). I did not gamble. Instead my partner and I went to the cinema, something we haven’t done in forever. 

I’ll admit that nothing seems as ‘fun’ or gives the dopamine rush that gambling gives me right now but I’m hoping that over time, my brain chemistry will change and normal fun things will start to feel good again. I am also struggling to sleep and keep waking up at the crack of dawn but financially things are starting to stabilise and I feel a little better.

This time I’m not quitting on quitting. On to day 7! 

Em x

@al9vnsqk4m Hey beside myself!

Of course I don’t mind you commenting, in fact I welcome it. Thank you.

Just to clarify, the companies I was talking about are the companies which include my monthly direct debits. Rent, Energy, phone, broadband etc. They were all set to bounce and I suppose I was scared. I definitely was not talking about payday loan companies or the gambling sites! Please believe me when I say I would hit these corrupt b****** as hard as I could. I’d like to see the lot of them go under! 

i suppose I do have a personal reason as to why I don’t feel it right to screw standard providers. Especially if I am able to find a way to not shortfall them but if things get to the stage where I really can’t find a way to pay, I’ll definitely call step change. What I do for work is a little ‘different’ and sporadic. I actually do have a job now but it’s a short contract and starts on 16th (for a week). 
I hope you and your husband are ok and he is on his way to recovery. You seem very sweet and I’m sure you don’t deserve the chaos and mayhem of the aftermath of gambling. Much love and light to you both.

Em x

I'm invested in your story now. I love your video idea. I love that your partner got involved too. So good to have that support. I'm glad to hear you have a little stability financially now. It might not feel like it yet, and 2-3 months sounds a long time, but this will fly by and without gambling you will slowly start to recover and feel a little bit more on top of money. I had even started a small savings pot 2-3 months in. Small being the key word there!

Best of luck, keep the diary going. It really did help me, and I still update it regularly. I still read everyone's posts too. It's kind of like your video. it reminds me of where I could be. Back at square one, considering making a video, starting a diary, and begging for petrol and food money. I'm never going back, and I will keep working on myself to make sure I don't. If that means checking in here daily for life, then that's what I'll do.

Stay strong 👍 

Hey Em

You sound so more positive today than you did 6 days ago!!

Well proud of your achievement, keep going my lovely,  your partner sounds a diamond 

You've got this girl xx

Day 7

I made it through a week!!

God that’s dragged. I have no idea how I got through the last few nights but I managed it. I think the last blocker I put in place has marginally made things too complicated to be able to gamble. Also, the video I did (explained in Day 6), is doing wonders! I literally watch it and feel sick. I look so broken in it, I sound utterly defeated and it’s clear I’m in so much pain. It stops me in my tracks!

Today my partner and I went and picked up a new little run around car. We scrapped the old one and got a little bit of cash for something that works. Got an incredible deal on a low mileage vehicle which is in pristine condition for its old age and only 40k miles on the clock. It was owned by an elderly gentleman and we were lucky enough to spot it as soon as he put it on. The amount of calls he was getting from dealers when we were there was insane but we beat them to it and got the car.

Feels like a win to me 🙂

Keeping up the good fight, onwards to day 8!

Em x

@p6z38njbqm Wow! Hey Weirdfish..

I’m going to be so honest right now. I’ve been lurking on your diary since my return as yours was one of the first I read (cover to cover) in January and you were one of the first people to offer me support. I felt embarrassed to send you a message. I felt ashamed that I literally only managed 10 days (never made it past 18). I must look so pathetic to all the people that are in the hundreds of days and I can’t seem to manage double figures.

I saw your daily tally only increased and how strong you’ve been and I truly felt inadequate of your support again. So I didn’t message/ post on your diary.

Thank you for taking the time to post some support on my diary today. I’m not going to sugar coat things. I’ve been trying to quit gambling for more than 2 decades. The only thing I’ve done differently this time is this video but there’s no guarantee it will keep working. 

I suppose I will just have to wait and see. So happy for you that you’ve turned your life around. I’m made up that you’ve met someone (I know it’s early doors) but I remember how devastated you were about your ex. You absolutely deserve happiness and I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.

you're a legend Weirdfish and I don’t think you understand how empowering your journey is. 

Thank you. Em x

@traceyj Hey Tracey!

I do feel better. Not great mind, just better 🤣

you’re right about my partner. I really am very lucky in that department. How are you doing lovely?

Em x

You're doing brill!!

I'm really good thanks Em, like you getting there, taking each day.....but living now not existing xx