Emotional impact of CG on partners

Hi Anna

Stop giving yourself a hard time. You can only put up with so much and it is clearly starting to have an impact on your health and life. You have tried to help him and the thing is that unless he wants to change then nothing will ever happen.

I am sure you will get a few answers on here and I hope they will help you. Bear in mind that no gambler is going to be the exact same as everyone else. It does seem that he needs to open his eyes and see what it is doing to him and others.

My story. I never knew why I gambled. I hated doing it, hated myself. I never enjoyed gambling and I never have, My only release was being found out, and then I would stop and not think about gambling until a major stress would take over me. However, I have mental health issues that send me to gambling as an escapism from reality when something really bad happens in my life. I always knew I was different inside. my dad died 11 years ago and that destroyed me. I never started gambling but It was then that I can now see my depression started to grab hold. Me and my partner of 16 years were married the following year (I know, a long engagement) and in 2010 our beautiful son was born. I was so happy with everything then. A year on and we started to notice a few things and within another year our boy was diagnosed with ASD. It was hard to take. I love him and did all kinds of courses to learn how to help him, but the constant worry about what his life will be like played on me. Before I carry on, my boy is now doing fantastic and breaking so many barriers and I am so so proud of him. Anyway, the stress I was under was nose diving me into a depression state that I was not emerging back out of. People noticed but I just said I was ok when I was not. It's a man thing, you gotta be tough and not show weakness. That may sound stupid but that is how most of us grow up alongside our peers. Reality is far different and it is always OK for a man to talk about feelings. Then I hit gambling. Jeez I have no idea why? I opened an online account and the silly times started. I would gamble away, then I would come back down and see what I was doing. I tried to stop but it took over me. I should have asked for help but in my head that would cause trouble between me and my wife. It sounds stupid as I was making more trouble staying gambling but that is how I felt. At times I felt sick, ashamed, disgusted, and vile about what I had done. I hated myself and what I was doing to my loved ones. My wife who is also my best mate, and our wonderful boy. I then convinced myself I was bad, evil, a bad person. Of course, this all just fuelled the flames and I was stuck. One day feeling bad, then gambling to escape. It is hard to explain but I did know most of the time what I was doing. I was aware of what the outcome would be and the upset it would cause. I was ashamed of what I was doing with money and to those I loved, though something dragged me to carry on. To be honest I was weak, and asking for help would have made me more of a man. I just wanted it to go away and the circle just continued, aware, ashamed, and gamble, and on and on. Then I was found out, and that is when for me it gets strange. That is my release. The relief I feel that somebody knows is incredible. straight away all urges leave me and I do not bet, in fact I then go into hating gambling. SO HOW DOES THAT WORK? However, as I am released it opens the door and reality for those that I love and their upset begins. To be honest, I was found out at a time when I was falling into something horrible. People knew I had change and something was wrong. I had my release but I had wanted to die for days before being found out. Then those feelings became so strong that I walked into a doctors. Crisis team etc followed. I was diagnosed with severe thought based OCD and depression and put on to ante depressants. My wife found it all hard and although I could see how destroyed she was she stuck by me. I had counselling and CBT and it all helped.

So, I was free from gambling. I really mean that. I hated everything about it and I would not even buy a raffle ticket. It had all brought a strain to our marriage and my wife kept asking how could I just stop gambling. I had no idea, but trust me, I never thought about doing it at all. For the next 3 and a half years I never gambled once and I never wanted to either. Things remained hard at times for me and my wife, though we were trying and our boy was an utter delight and growing. I still slipped into depression, my wife still saw it and maybe it worried her every time that I would gamble? though I never did. In June this year I was just about to leave the house one morning when I heard a noise from the bedroom, thank god I went to check. I found my wife in cardiac arrest, she was fitting and I had to clear her airwaves before starting CPR. Medics arrived and took over. They worked on her for almost an hour. She was stabalised, had a stent fitted, and she was moved to ICU. When I had cleared her airwaves she had just flopped onto the bed. Her eyes were open and the only way to describe it is that she looked dead, and I thought she was dead. I am glad I had to sense to kick into CPR. So, I sat in ICU with her, talking to her, singing to her, and at times trying not to let her hear me break down. The docs kept going on that she may die, and that there was a probability of brain damage. They brought her out of her coma after 2 days and she showed some respons, they sedated her again and the next day she showed nothing on coming around. Then a doc told me I needed to accept that brain damage is there and I nearly hit him. This was 6 days after her cardiac arrest. Every evening I would put our boy to bed as a happy daddy. Then I would sit downstairs alone. I worried so much and it was as if I was mourning my wife at times. I could not sleep. If I managed to I would just see my wife's face on that bed and I would wake up in panic. I doubt I will ever get over seeing her look as she did that day. So, to try and sleep I drank, but that did not work either. I would make sure our boy was looked after and that he never saw daddy fall apart. I would sit in ICU hoping and beefing up others, telling them to believe, then I would sit alone at home and fall to bits. On day 6 that doctor gave me that news and I could not handle it. I told him he was an idiot and threatened to hit him if he did not get away from me. The nurses removed him. That night I started to believe what he had said, I started to believe that my beautiful wife was gone. I scrolled the internet and there it was, a bingo advert, I clicked on it, opened an account, and I was back in the dire place again after so long being free.

2 days later my wife came out of her coma again. She knew everybody and everything, she stunned the medics. I was so happy and that bingo site never got a look in for the next 2 weeks until my wife had been moved onto a less dependant ward and her anxiety started to kick in about what had happened to her. She started to believe I was an old boyfriend of hers who had treated her bad. I walked into her room and she screamed at me to get out and told the nurses to get me away from her. It was so hard to take for me, it was her medication and anxiety, but it hurt me. Of course, weak me returned to gambling to escape it all. I would sometimes look at what I was doing doing and I was sick at what I had become. I hated myself so much and would tell myself I was useless and pathetic. I was not a man, I was a pathetic waste of space who gambled while his wife lay in ICU, who gambled when his boy needed him. I was lower than the low. Then the addiction grabbed me again, and that circle worked it magic. Yes, I knew most of the time what I was doing and it bloody hurt me and made me so ashamed. I have no expanation as to why I carried on, I do not really understand it. Was it escapism, was it the circle, or was I really this bad person?

5 weeks ago i was discovered. A|ain, an instant release for me and no gambling desire at all. However, it has
all become too much for my wife. The hurt on her face is plain to see. She does not want us to be togethe and she says she no longer loves me. I love her with a passion but I cannot stand to see what I am doing to her. She has had enough to deal with after her cardiac arrest without me adding to her problems. I have started counselling, I have seen a psychiatrist. I have been diagnosed bipolar. That is a shock itself and will take some getting used to and and I have a long road ahead with medication however. The ante depressants I have been taking since being diagnosed with depression have actually been making my bipolar worse. I now have to accept that I have it and see a way of making my life workable. I am not a bad person and I truly believe I can beat my demons now that I know what I have inside me. They say that I turn to gambling when in a severe stressful life situation. I do it to escape reality, that is the bipolar taking me there. I know now that I can find that trigger that does it. I can learn a new way to cope and ask for help. I now have hope even if finding out you are bipolar is hard to take. However, I cannot, and will not, just blame my condition for my gambling. Yes it clouds me and takes me to that bad place (and others) But I am also aware of what I was doing. i need to accept that when I chose not to tell anybody, and not ask for help, that i was the one to blame. i was aware of what I was doing, I was ashamed and knew what the outcome would be. I am to blame for that. We all need to look at the impact we cause. If we do not then we can never be free of gambling or anything else.

Jeez.. I have gone on here a bit Anna. Not sure if it will help you in any way? Your partner needs to see what he is doing and until he accepts that he needs help then nothing can change in him. If he has mental health problems than he needs to sort them as they will just get worse.I would suggest that you ring the Gamcare helpline and talk with someone, they truly are wonderful. I do not have the answer, but you have to do what is best for you as well. I wish you every bit of luck.

By the way, my wife has basically made a full recovery from her heart issues.

Ant

Hi Anna I waited to see if any one responded. If you really want a gamblers view maybe go on the discussion page and post your questions. From what I've learnt from gamanon and reading different literature regarding addiction, codependent, anger, etc. Addiction is a coping mechanism. The inability to cope with everyday life leads the addict to withdraw and pursue destructive behaviour. Often associated with depression. They become numb, no emotion, or emotions they can't deal with, resulting in more escapism. This has nothing to do with you, not your fault, not because of you. I think the problem partners have is accepting we chose that person with those behaviours. You can call gamcare and get support for how you feel now. It's very damaging and will affect your future choices and reactions. Unfortunately when an addict is active they have no connection to their feelings. Once they stop and get help their focus is on themselves. It's only much later that they can make amends. Also today is the only day to deal with. Don't look back. So as someone who has been affected by this madness I would suggest you call gamcare and get help for yourself. Try and stop thinking about the gambler and start looking after you. Good luck!

Hi annabanana I am astonished you could be talking about my ex, similar age, similar behaviour. It's been a good few months now since we broke up. I still cannot get my head around why somebody would feel the need to lie to such an extent. However I find it is much more productive to focus all my time and energy on myself. I got counselling from Gamcare and have started doing stuff I have always wanted to do in life. I still feel the hurt and betrayal of his double life but I don't dwell on it anymore. I consider myself to be free from all the heartache and stress of being in a relationship with him. It may be many years before I can think about another relationship so it has affected my quite dramatically in that respect. Yeah sure it would be nice if he gave a d**n about my feelings but he just doesn't. I have to accept that he is lost in his addiction. I have peace of mind in my life now and not the chaos he was creating, not everyone stays with their partner and not all CG want to give up. To some it is a way of life, it is all they know and they don't have the capacity to change so drastically.

Cooing eith the guilt & feelings afterwards Anna, likewise you could be talking about my ex too, the story is so similar, similar age etc. I ended it a few weeks ago after I couldn’t cope with all the lies & broken promises anymore. My ex still won’t admit he has a gambling problem but he has been to the docs about the depression side of things.

Coping with the feelings & guilt afterwards I can’t really help you with as it’s still very early days for me. I feel terrible...what more could I have done? Is it my fault he’s left with nothing? Etc etc. I suppose all these feelings are normal & will fade over time but I think they will always be there at the back of my mind. I desperately wish I could help him & everything would be ok but we have to realise that’s a fantasy because they have to want to help themselves. I find reading on here helps me & tend to write about it when I’m having a bad day, like today! Hope ur doing ok x

Hi Anna...I haven't been on this website in probably 6 months but took a notion to log back in today to see how everyone was doing.
I left my CG husband nearly 1 year ago today and despite the early heartbreak and feelings of guilt on my part I haven't looked back. It's impossible to try and make sense of a CG's thought process as I'm sure they even struggle to understand why they do what they do and that means that everything and everyone else in their lives can get neglected. My ex was in no means a bad person but like yours he gambled from his teens through to his 30's leaving himself and me with absolutely nothing. I genuinely believe he wanted to beat it but after 17 years together and no signs of consistent change I realised I had to make a leap into the unknown because I could no longer face the anxiety and turmoil that comes with living with a CG. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make but close to 12 months on and I have no regrets. I have My own place, am going to Australia on hols with my friends in a couple of weeks, I can socialise and I have a lovely new partner....something which I never expected and wasn't looking for.
This was the right decision for me although I understand that It's not the solution for everyone. I wish you nothing but luck in the weeks and months ahead and stay strong!

Thanks for your replies everyone and apologies it's took me so long to reply myself!

It's horrible that other partners have had to go through this, but it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Hearing that my story is so similar to others makes me believe that I'm not crazy or a weak person for feeling like this has had a massive impact on me. Hearing that other CGs behave in similar ways has kind of softened the blow for me in terms of me thinking that I'm somehow at fault or 'if only I did more for him/was a better person/more beautiful' he wouldn't of did this to me. That may sound crazy but they are the thoughts that run through my mind almost every day. They make you feel like you aren't enough. My self esteem is in tatters at the minute and I just want all these feelings to go away. I've started counselling and have had one session so far. I told the counsellor everything I felt and how my CG's gambling, lies and behaviour towards me left me feeling worthless. She talked a lot about projection of feelings from the CG's, how he projected his faults and negative feelings on to me and it's so true. I know the gambling, losses and things he's done over the years probably left him feeling worthless, but he obviously doesn't know how to deal with those feelings so pushed them on to me. It's also hard dealing with all these feelings when you have moved on from the relationship and you know you do not want to be with the CG and you've made the right choice. I torture myself wondering why I'm feeling this way when I feel like I shouldn't. I should feel like I've had a lucky escape! We were only together for 3 years, we were engaged but thankfully not married (it was impossible to finance a wedding for obvious reasons) so it's not like i have to go through the trauma of a divorce. We don't have any children and thankfully I've been able to save myself financially. I always had savings which he didn't know about and I didn't have any joint loans or anything. He did ask to borrow money from me constantly but I became wise to it in the end so that limited a bit of damage. In that respect I feel like I have it easier than some other partners. So why can I just drop everything that happened and move on knowing that I deserve better and will get it eventually??

Merry go round, I really related to this

The inability to cope with everyday life leads the addict to withdraw and pursue destructive behaviour. Often associated with depression. They become numb, no emotion, or emotions they can't deal with, resulting in more escapism.

This sums him up in one. There doesn't seem to be any emotion what so ever. No empathy at all. But maybe that's just another unhealthy coping mechanism. Maybe they have to just block the guilt and shame out after letting so many people down so many times!

Thanks so much again for all the replies. I've vented a bit but I'm having a bad day today which is rubbish because I had 3 good days in a row before today 🙁 I just wish this nightmare would hurry up and end.

Hi Anna I'm so glad to hear you safeguarded yourself. They play the blame game, they lie, so you're constantly thinking you're going bonkers. So you've walked away and still feel the same. Unfortunately you still need to deal with those feelings, work through them, get them out of your head. You can hold your head up high, you knew what he was doing and you left. You didn't continue the cycle. You don't need someone who doesn't care about you. Don't feel worthless, don't let that continue. You deserve someone who is equal to you, who wants to share how they feel. So let it go, you must use this as a learning experience. In my eyes you've done the right thing. You must accept you couldn't change him, you can only change you. I applaud you, you're stronger than you think. Make today a day to be happy, no more remorse.

You have to do what is best for you Anna. I am glad you are having counselling. Good luck with everything, you will get to a better place in time.