Enough is enough

We are all in it together, wherever we are in the road to recovery. Two steps forward, one step back, all cha cha ing our way towards being happy again.

Not long till we have great British bake off back again! It's the little things that get me through....

I love the bake off!! All those show stoppers!! ( and those blue eyes of what's his name!)Thanks for making me smile.

How are you getting on, Katie?

Morning CW

Ive been trying to keep busy, thank you for asking. I found a solicitor yesterday who I really like so I am relieved and will start the divorce proceedings with her ASAP. It's just all so scary. It doesn't really feel like he's left because he is often away for work anyway. We are telling our girls at the weekend- he wanted 1 more week- I stupidly agreed. So dreading that but really just need it over with. I'm ashamed to say that when I read about other peoples CG on here all trying their best to recover I feel a pang of jealousy. Sounds mad but I still can't help the attitude of - you must all be worth fighting for but we're not. My husband would rather leave us than fight to keep us. I wish we had been more important to him than the next bet. And if I feel like that I fear our girls will too. And it hurts so much.

However I have to try to keep positive and take it a day at a time. I'm always checking the forum too, sometimes I don't feel I can offer much advise as I've failed to make it work so what do I know? I always hope I'll recognise a new member as my husband but that's never gonna happen.

You do a brilliant job offering advise as do so many others on here. I'd be lost without this place. So thanks again and stay strong.

Mr P had to lose us before he could see what he had done, we did split up for a while, even though he was back in the house quite quickly, it was only the box room and it took several more weeks before I could think about reconciliation, he changed a great deal in that time. The prospect of losing us was not enough to stop, he had to actually be on his own.

None of this is your fault.

I get jealous too, of 'normal' people, with their joint accounts and credit cards, I wonder why I chose to continue with this life where I have all the responsibility for the money and the bills, knowing I will never get a birthday present or a weekend away as a surprise, whatever it is I will have paid for it even if MrP has earned the money in the first place. The grass is always greener somwhere else isn't it. But we have reached a place where I feel loved again, after years coping on my own and being lonely, that's enough for me. Things will get better Katie, I do believe 100% that there's some happiness in its way to you, keep a look out for it. 🙂

Thank you pangolin. As always, comforting words. I will look out for it.

Hi Katie,

It appears (to me) that your OH has yet to hit complete rock bottom and still considers gambling and family something that can be mixed as and when.

Perhaps the divorce may knock him out of his shell to try and take serious and meaningful decisions to stop his addiction.

When I confessed to "wifey" I had used every typical gambling lie and deceit to buy extra time, however eventually the net closed.

She did not shout, rant or rave. Instead she said "give me your bank card. You will never see this again. Family life or bookies. Your choice"

That was my rock bottom. Fully deserved but a horrible place.

107 days later me and wifey are dealing with this. Counselling, GA but more importantly my triangle is not complete. I carry no card, no money therefore I cannot gamble.

You can't change the past but you can make the future a better place.

Best wishes x

Hi balvaird

thanks for your reply. The thing is my husband wants the divorce! He sees it as the only way to protect us from further damage because he has no faith that he will be able to stop. He wouldn't know a tight barrier if it bit him on the b*m. Says he would always find a way round it. Maybe I should have taken the ultimatum route 8 months ago when I discovered the mess. But stupidly I thought I could fix him, I thought after 20 years our marriage was worth trying to salvage. You're right - I have to focus on my future and trying to make it secure.

Hi half life

thank you too. I actually get jealous of you guys though too- people like you, pangolin, CW and all the other lovely partners on here who are all battling so hard every day. It's stupid I know but your CG's have seen the light, they are making an effort for their families. Why isn't mine? Why are we not worth the effort? That's why I can't go back to gam anon.

To be honest him leaving has been his first dose of reality so I hope it does hit hard.

always welcome at gam anon, its not about the gamblers, its about us and how we put our lives back together after being hit with this problem, we have an inspirational lady at our group who's ex is a gambler, parents of people who still gamble, theres no exam to pass, no qualification to gain, we dont go to help our gamblers and stop them gambling, we go for us, to learn how to be happy again, how and when to trust people again. it is impossible not to talk about the gambling at first, we all do it, none of us can see beyond it at first, but its just the problem, it isnt the soltuion, it isnt how we find a happy future. success is not measured in how many couples are staying together, its in how many lives are rebuilt.

having said all that i completely ympathise with where you are now, at my lowest i felt like that too, why was our lovely home and family not enough, it turns out it was all on a different planet to where he was living, he couldnt even see it.

Hi, all,

He stopped because he had no choice, his lies had been exposed and he couldn't cover up any more. It wasn't that he actively chose us ahead of the gambling. There was an element of being stuck on a roller coaster ride that he couldn't escape from and he said that he was relieved to stop. However, although he has said he regrets it, at no time has he shown real remorse or an understanding of the effect that it's had on us. He goes to GA but I've no idea if he's actively working the program. I've put up what barriers I can and he has cooperated, but I can't forgive him. He's not the man I married. And I have serious doubts about what I am teaching my children to expect from marriage by staying.

No easy answers.

CW

Hi, Katiecola, was just thinking of you and hoping your weekend is going ok xx

Ah thank you,

well you might wish you hadn't asked!

So we told our girls yesterday- tears all round but I was really proud of them both. We dropped him off at his temporary accommodation earlier today. Very difficult. Still can't quite believe this is all happening. Got my solicitor's appointment on Monday to proceed with divorce.

My husband has finally rang step change to arrange a debt management plan and has got a basic bank account. Now while I'm pleased with this progress I can't help thinking why the hell couldn't he have done this 8 months ago ? I have been going on about these things for ages and now he's out on his ear and our family is broken he chooses to act. The frustration continues. Thank you so much for asking. How are things for you?

Exactly why make changes now and not 8 months ago, think i would be finding it hard not to get angry, but know it gets us nowhere does it...

Well we are plodding on, good weekend this week, had to pay me double house keeping this weekend as did his usual and lost last weeks, luckly for me as i am now use to this pattern i told him how was he going to do that as he can only draw out so much a day, he told me not to worry he will sort it, muttered under my breathe, with the help of miss roulette, he said no, left it at that.So come friday only get some of the money said next day he will give me the rest then again only gave me part of it said forget it and told him i should have put a bet on him not having the money as that would be a sure win !!! lol can be very sarcastic sometimes, anyway he explained he didn't have enough for his fares if he gave me the full amount and he hadn't gambled, actually had worked this out for myself so knew he would have this problem, i know he hasn't gambled this weekend but still told him its because he did a few weeks ago that causes these problems. We weren't argueing over this and actually feel calm about the whole thing as i was able to explain my point of view and how he follows the same patternn with him actually listening.

Bet your sorry you asked me now lol, have a bad habit of saying alot i'm affraid, whenever i push the save button i'm so surprised just how long my posts are, i do tend to waffle...just never get me on the subject of when his family visited us, that would be the longest post ever lol xx

So today would have been my 21sr wedding anniversary. It suddenly all feels very real. Just want the day to be over. I've even got some cards to open. Dunno how I'm gonna get through today.

Hi Katiecola

Some days are definitely harder than others, aren't they? Christmas, New Year, Anniversaries.

My advice would be to have dinner, a nice bath and a early night so you can wake up when it's over tomorrow. That's how I would deal with it anyway, but everyone is different....

Take care x